Posted by: littlegirlyone | April 18, 2007

dear john

** Note to readers: this is probably not a very fun post to read, as it is an imaginary letter to my Daddy after last time, and more for my benefit than yours. Nonetheless, i am going to post it because some of you like to read about emotions, and are curious about how i’m doing, post-raw. Everyone else, sorry for the emotional processing, and i will return to my regular blogging soon.**

dear john,

this kind of letter is not an easy undertaking for me. i am a conflict-avoider by nature, and tend to not do the best job of looking out for myself if it means putting someone out. let’s just start there.

the terms of our relationship are clear to me. i usually feel like they’re fair and reasonable terms, especially considering our situations at home. however, i am not sure, at least after how i felt leaving you last week, that these are the terms i can handle in a D/s relationship.

let me start where it begins. i adore seeing you. it makes me feel sexy, and desired, excited, psychologically-fulfilled, and attached. yes, the dreaded word, but this is about honesty, and i know that you will see it as such. i feel attached to you, not in the ‘let’s get married and have 10 kids’ way, but in the ‘i just let you use me like a whore, and now i feel insecure about it’ way. i feel like i need reassurance that you actually value what i give to you, and that you are grateful for my time, effort and energy after a session like the last one.

when we meet, i spend a lot of time waiting for you. i don’t mind the waiting in the hotel room alone, although sometimes i feel guilty because i have so much else i should be doing, but that is my own problem. i mind how i feel unimportant when i am sitting there, waiting. i mind how i feel like something you are deigning to do. i mind how i feel like a whore (and not in a sexy, let’s pretend i’m a whore way, in a real way). i am a kick-ass, independent, strong, sassy, 100% together girl. i do shit my way all day. i decide to come and meet you because i want to. i never feel that way when i’m waiting. i feel nervous, sick to my stomach, tired, annoyed, impatient. i worry about what you will do when you show up, but not in a sexy way, in a ‘damn i hope he doesn’t want to just fuck me and then play with his blackberry for an hour while i lay on the bed sexually frustrated’ kind of way. i worry that i will not get the emotional support i need, because frankly, you don’t often give it to me.

last time was the best example, but also the most extreme example. if you are going to use me, my body, my time, my ass, my soul, in such a calculated way, you need to add my feelings into the equation. you don’t have to tell me you love me. you do have to stay with me, physically and emotionally, for a little while. you are asking me to be extremely vulnerable to you, by coming to the hotel, by allowing you to use me as you wish, by not knowing a lot of pertinent information about you. you are asking me to trust you. and i do, physically. but i don’t know how i feel emotionally about our interactions.

when i say physically trust you, i mean that i am not afraid for my health, safety, or physical well-being. you are a good man, and i am not afraid to trust you with my physical self. in fact, i think you do a really excellent job of looking out for me, and i notice when you take your time to make sure that i am enjoying myself, and not getting hurt, even when your cock is all the way inside me and i might be a little uncomfortable. you are very thoughtful and careful, and you have never hurt me or bruised me in a way that violated my trust in you for my physical well-being.

that said, my emotional trust for you is not as great as i would like to think. especially after the last time. i know you tried to get me to let it out, but it was a half-attempt. i need you to stay with me, emotionally. i need you to force me to talk about what’s bugging me, what’s making me feel insecure, self-conscious, afraid, vulnerable, sad. i need you to make me talk. and i need you to listen, and be understanding that this is just another part of me. you can’t have the rest of me without dealing with this side. emotions are not so easily bifurcated. at least, they aren’t for me. i can’t just not feel stuff because you don’t want me to. i still feel it, i just resist telling you because i am afraid that you will freak out about emotional connections and not want to see, or talk, to me again.

i need you to not run to your blackberry after you fuck me. i need you to sit with me, talk to me, comfort me if i’m about to cry, and honestly look out for me and make sure i’m ok. that is the part of being a Dom that you need to do for me. i can’t ask you to do this stuff, i can’t even admit that i need it when i’m with you because i feel like that is being a bad, needy, attached submissive which is exactly what you’ve demanded i not be. so i need you to take initiative here, and help me make sure that i am really ok before you leave (or before i get so annoyed with you that i get dressed in silence and storm out, as the case may be).

this is why i’ve been looking for so long for a “Daddy,” not a Top, or a Dom, or a Master. i need a Daddy because i need someone that will use me with care, lovingly, tenderly. i need someone who wants to know everything about my little girl heart, mind, and desires. i need someone who wants to hold me when i’m good, and spank me when i’m bad, and tell me i’m a good girl when everything is done. the thing that makes me want to cry is that i know you are probably capable of all this. it’s a matter of whether you will do it. i want you to do it, and i want you to want to do it. but i know that you are ultimately going to be who you want with me, and see me as you desire.

i know that free will is always at play here. and i need more from you, or else i have to stand up for myself. this is my fantasy, too. i am giving you all that i know how to give, and i feel like i’m selling myself off way too cheaply. you don’t have to love me, but i do need your care, respect, and attention.

**note to readers, obviously, i didn’t send this. i don’t know if i will address this at all. this is just an exercise in sorting through my feelings. should i think about sending something like this to him? should i wait? feedback appreciated, friends!


Responses

  1. great letter. it’s an interesting contrast from the way you were rationalizing and kind of blaming yourself in the last post. you made your points beautifully and since you asked, i think you should definitely share some or all of this with him. you’re right, this is your fantasy too, and what is it worth if your needs aren’t being met; if you’re not even having fun MOST of the time?

  2. In my experience, i feel that tops tend to hide behind their position in the hierarchy to avoid the raw emotional stew they are creating when they indulge in their appetites. This is akin to incorrectly using the “Because I said so” dismissive a dominant might toss when questioned on its decision. But if you think about it, just like your “Daddy” takes into consideration the limits your body has that can’t be changed when looking out for your physical safety, he needs to also take into consideration the emotional limits you possess. Unfortunately, the biggest mistakes i’ve made with a submissive girl has been those times i did not listen to the cues that indicated she needed sincere nurturing and care, whether it be physically or emotionally.

  3. persephone, you are right, this has quite a different tone than the raw post. it felt good to write, too. the words just flowed out of me, fairly effortlessly, although there were definitely some points where i felt like breaking out crying. it is a very assertive letter, and the more i read it, the better i feel about myself. i don’t know if you (or other readers) have caught this, but i tend to be less than assertive in my sexual relationships (even with mark, who is the most supportive partner in the world). i am seriously considering sending him some version of this. i just don’t want to piss him off by being, well, assertive.deity,welcome, and thanks for the feedback. i read your first two posts, and my interests are piqued. i would ask you, as a Dom , would a version of this letter be too harsh, and assertive? do you mind if your submissive(s) talk honestly and openly like this? my biggest fear is being a bad girl, i don’t really want to come off that way. any further thoughts?

  4. little,As you can perhaps gather from the two posts you read on my site is that i’m going somewhere specifically. I get no excitement from a girl who is not assertive. That she is assertive, and is willing to stand up for what she wants/believes, and in turn i can then make her do quite lascivious things, makes her submission all the more beautiful to me. I’m not a dominant man because i can push people around and get my way, but because i excel at getting them to push their limits all with the understanding that i take them into my arms and look after them wholeheartedly.That being said, there are times where i permit and welcome honest and open talk, and there are times that i will demand perfect silence. I should also add that my personal preference would be to hear this in person, and not through an e-mail. But, you have a rather specific dichotomy with “Daddy” (quotes? no quotes?).p.s. thank you for your comments about my site. i sometimes wonder if what i have to say about my experiences is just interesting to me. I’m sure you feel/felt the same way.

  5. deity,i think we all blog because we want to know that someone else is feeling what we are, even if it’s just anonymous recognition. i found your beginning posts quite interesting, and i’m sure i will continue to check in with you.i think that being a strong, independent woman is hard for me in this context particularly. after all, part of the eroticism with john (we can just call him that right now, since i’m not required to call him anything in particular and i’m not feeling like he deserves to be called more) is that i am supposed to be able to leave all that behind me. i want to be little, and helpless, and passive. i just also want him to take better care of me emotionally. and i feel like he is afraid to engage with me because he has issues with ‘falling in love’ and is trying very hard to maintain a firm emotional detachment in our interactions.add to that the fact that i tend to be a conflict-avoider, and a bit passive aggressive with people who i care about, and you have the current mess: i want to talk to him; i want to hit him; i want to threaten not to see him anymore (because as hard as it was for me to find him, it was 100 times harder for him to find me, and forcing him to find a replacement would give me sick satisfaction); i want to fuck him, and swallow his gorgeous cock and drool all over it. you see the problem. i just feel indecisive. in any event, i thank you for your response and look forward to figuring this out soon. i’m sure to keep you all posted.*lg

  6. i hope you have the courage to share some of this with him…your feelings do not make you needy or attached..they make you real and human and very, very vulnerable.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: