Posted by: littlegirlyone | May 2, 2007

good girl/bad girl ramble

sorry for not posting in a week. it’s been slow, and frankly, i am a bit confused by my submission right now. i feel like rambling about it, and since my subheading says that i do that here, i am going to. sorry for all the ramblings lately, though. juicy sex is on the way (i hope, i really do).

i want to be a good girl, and i want to be a bad girl. at the same time. i’m conflicted, there is no way to be both.

this is a problem for me.

i want to be a good girl when i want to please. in fact, pleasing my partner is what i enjoy most about sex. that is why i love giving head – i like that it is pleasure for my partner. i eroticize it because it is so selfless (although it has actually become such a pleasure that i pursue it for selfish reasons now). i get off on it. but i think mostly, i enjoy that it makes my partner hard.

on the other hand, i have eroticized resistance. i want to say no. i want to be talked into things, i want to be forced, i want to be “made” to do stuff. but i want my partner to want to make me. i want him to enjoy forcing me to do things that i don’t want to do. i want to be a bad girl.

with John, i have noticed that i feel like i have been a good girl too much. i have said, “yes Daddy” to almost everything he’s ever asked of me. except once. an encounter i fantasize about all the time because i enjoy remembering the helplessness of it, the powerlessness i felt as he ignored my No.

it was incredibly hot.

and it was sort of dangerous.

i confess, i’ve lied. we don’t have a safe word. we have never had a safe word. i was never offered one, and i never required or asked for one. i assumed that i would be able to get him to stop if i really meant it. does that make me unethical? maybe this is a problem.

i want to resist him, but i can’t really safely do that without a safe word. “Yes Daddy” is getting boring. I want to say no. does that make me a bad submissive?

i am so struck by this dichotomy. i want to say yes. i want to please. i want to be of service. but i am also dying to say no. i don’t really know what i want anymore. i am confused, and in a bit of a rut.

oh, and i am angry at him. and tired. and also, not looking forward to talking to him about this.

when i do talk, i don’t even know what i am asking him for. a safeword? more attention? permission to find someone who will give me more attention? permission to leave him? permission to say no. release from the good girl for a change. i am tired of being his good girl and not getting anything back for it. i am tired of being ignored until he’s horny. i know that makes me a bad submissive, a bad girl. i am supposed to want his pleasure at the cost of my own. i am not supposed to be selfish. i am supposed to serve him and enjoy it.

but i don’t want to and i won’t.

unless he makes me . . . ?

i worry that i just want attention. and that i just want to be put in my place. do i want to demand the impossible from him just to see what he would say?

i have two weeks of final exams and a trip to NY coming up. i apologize if i’m scarce for a bit. i will do my best to keep up, and if anything develops, i will inform. and of course, i will still be reading all of your blogs!

*lg


Responses

  1. I doubt that there are any submissives who enjoy being ignored, my heart hurt just by reading your words, even if you did choose it yourself.Good luck with the exams.

  2. I doubt that there are any submissives who enjoy being ignored, my heart hurt just by reading your words, even if you did choose it yourself.Good luck with the exams.

  3. I have to say, little girl, that i enjoy the hunt. If the prey just laid down after i commenced chasing it, i’d consider it less interesting, perhaps injured or ill. I like obedience, but i want to have earned it, not just given it. Sounds like you feel like you haven’t yet been MADE obedient, and are rather just acting like you are.

  4. i couldn’t agree more with deity. the reason that you have a dominant is not just so that you can serve him– he is meant to train you. resistance is part of that. it’s not easy to give over everything, and it’s his job to make it safe for you. i think that for most submissives part of learning that safety is being resistant and letting their dom draw those boundaries. blind obedience is boring, like you said– it becomes truly compelling when it has been earned and developed between the two of you. sure, maybe he wants you to be obedient, but you’re a little girl, aren’t you? little girls stomp their feet and make mistakes and have to be lovingly brought back into line. best of luck if you do go to john with all of this (although i’m kind of hoping you go out and get yourself someone better– you certainly deserve it). 🙂


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