Posted by: littlegirlyone | May 14, 2007

that other girl

i am totally afraid of myself. that is what i have decided. my own desires freak me out, and make me question just who and what exactly i am. i feel so much emotion rushing at the thought of it, that i nearly feel about to cry.

let me explain better. Deity’s comment on my real life little girl fantasy is what triggered this little revelation. he pointed out that i completely withdrew myself from the idea by explaining away all the reasons that i wouldn’t want to do it in real life. actually, he just nicely agreed to respect my opinion on the matter, but the comment got me thinking: why did i say that?

the only answer i could come up with is that i am totally scared of my own fantasy. i am scared to own it, and i am even more scared to pursue it. i have good reasons for being scared, and i think i’m justified in the choice i’ve made, but the fact is, it makes me uncomfortable to admit it, i am totally afraid to admit what i really want.

that is not a good thing. i don’t feel like this is a good discovery.

ok, so i like that fantasy. aLOT. but i am hiding out here, pretending that i wouldn’t really want all that in real life when i think the truth is, i just want someone to come along and make me do it. i just don’t want to choose it for myself. and why is that?

first, i think that is because of my commitment to mark. although i know lots of other people have transitioned their vanilla relationships to incorporate their kinks, i just don’t see that happening with mark and me. he is not a meek person, but his sexual fantasies are not about domination. he doesn’t want to do that, and wanting to is the first ingredient for me. so i will never ask him again, and not because i’m afraid of his reaction. because i just don’t want him doing things to make me happy. not like that. and i know he wouldn’t enjoy it. so part of not wanting to own my little girl fantasy is not wanting to admit that i am partnered to the wrong person to give it to me. my heart breaks just typing those words, but it is the truth. it’s not like i haven’t known this for a long time about mark, it’s that i don’t want to think about it, i want it to go away. i want my own desires to go away and be replaced with whatever it is that will make him happy. i want his fantasies to fulfill me the way my own fantasies do. but i know that is not going to happen.

second, i think i am afraid of my own little dark side. i mean, that is completely ridiculous considering that i am in a safe, anonymous space, and that i feel supported and understood by all of my lovely readers. i just don’t want to own her. i just want to want what someone else wants me to want, but i secretly want that person to want to do what i want them to do. did you follow that? i want to find the perfect match, the fit, the One (and not like the soul mate, like the fucking sex mate) that will make me do all the bad stuff i don’t want to own up to wanting. i want someone to make me own it. admit it. live it. be it. do it. and no backing away from it either. no ‘not in real life’ backpedaling. i want that person so bad i can feel the desire deep within me, almost like a lump in my chest that feels like tears, that is how bad i want that person to show up.

but then what? if that person does show up, i am going to have a big mess on my hands. this is, i think, the root of the fear. i am so afraid that if the right person showed up in my life that i would fall so far into my own fantasy (and his) that i wouldn’t be able to breathe, and i certainly wouldn’t be able to maintain my relationship with mark without this person affecting it deeply. i am terrified of living the rest of my life with all this unowned desire running rampant in my little brain/heart/pussy and i am terrified of finding an outlet. because where will that lead me to? what will become of the girl that i am now, the girl that i do own. the strong, independent, don’t give a fuck, wear pants when i want to, PhD achieving, go-getting, loudmouthed, crazy, wild, selfish little brat that likes to make up songs and keep her hair short because its easy, and hates makeup and only wants to be forced to do all the bad stuff? she is the one i fear for the most. she is the one i would miss.

fuck.


Responses

  1. i think that so many of us deal with these questions. i know that i will, once i really come to grips with the fact that i will have to start searching for a new partner (rather than spend the rest of my life as my owners’ pet only). i have wondered, too, whether i would be able to handle a life commitment to a D/s-oriented man. it’s hard to know.your kink, your interest, does nothing for you if it doesn’t bring you pleasure and it doesn’t connect you to people that you love, whoever you choose those people to be. some things really are better in fantasy, it’s true… but i think that sometimes the problem with bringing fantasies to life is that we expect the realization of the fantasy to always be just as perfect as the flawless scenario we constructed in our heads. that’s just not possible. πŸ™‚ your fantasy dom, for instance: if he were real, he would probably have some days where he wouldn’t feel like picking out your clothes, just like you’d have some days where you wouldn’t feel like wearing what he picked. and he’d probably want some other things that wouldn’t jive with your fantasies, and he’d probably be wishy-washy about some things that you love. you’d have to teach him some things, because he wouldn’t know everything, as much as you would want him to. maybe he’d be the kind who turns into a big baby when he gets sick (like most men), and one day when he gets the flu all of the “rules” that he set for you would suddenly be forgotten.andrew couldn’t possibly be more compatible with me as owner, but even if he weren’t married to morgan i would never consider him as a mate. we would be totally wrong for each other from that more practical standpoint.i guess i am babbling a lot to tell you that you are not alone in trying to balance this space between fantasy and reality. we who are in touch with our fantasies are so very blessed… but we also need to come to terms with the little tweaks that are necessary to make fantasies real. i’m thinking now of deity’s post about wrapping up his girl, and how he left out the parts about safety. was the fantasy better without the safety details? sure. but those safety details were necessary for making the fantasy come even close to reality.in your head these fantasies can always be perfect. and in real-life, they can come close when you have an open and loving partner. whether or not mark is the right guy, you have certainly found a way to enjoy your fantasies with his support. because it’s so clear that you love him, i would wonder what you two could accomplish together with your fantasies as impetus. of course it wouldn’t be *the same.* but i bet that you could come close.

  2. I believe what you struggle with are things we all struggle with. I’ve taken the step of finding someone who can make my fantasies come true, I’ve made a commitement in a D/s-relationship that we plan to make last for the rest of our lives. Just by writing these sentences right now, I get this panic-alike feeling, and something inside me is saying: “Don’t go there, don’t write this, just go take a shower, stay on the safe side..”The truth is, the fact that I’m in this relationship and we’re “forever” is so fucking scary. How do I know that this will be as good as I dreamed of? How do I know that even if it gets as good as I dreamed of, that this is what I want for the rest of my life? Trust me, I don’t.But I do think, I might be naive, that if you find the right one, you will not be able to keep who you are now. It’s not about changing you, it’s about getting you further. Not a new you, a little different you, but still you.And as stated in one of my own posts yesterday (or something): this if life. The one chance you get to make it right, the one chance you have to do what you want. And the great thing about life; if you try something, and it doesn’t work, you can try something else..

  3. lil girl,I respect and empathize with the battle that is fantasy versus real. I am one person, i readily admit, that believes the adage “Some things are best left in fantasy” is one that is overstated and rarely qualified. Fantasies that are best left in fantasy are those that are, when reason is fully applied, appear clearly unsafe or unfathomable. I do not think your little girl fantasy is one that fits either criteria.I will go on record and say that yours is fully realizable. And it is clear that you’ve identified, at least in fantasy, that you want someone that embodies everything in one person, which i also believe is possible. There are those who would never seek the kind of companionship that a romantic relationship with a dominant provides. For them, they will not look for couplehood. If you want that in your daddy, i do not see why that can’t occur.

  4. deity, i just want to qualify my comment that you disagree with about some things being better in fantasy. i didn’t mean this to say that some fantasies are bad and should remain in fantasy for that reason. i meant that some things *feel* nicer to fantasize about than to actually experience. this may be harder to understand if you are not submissive. many of us crave things that don’t feel good. a hard spanking is a good example– once you’ve had one, you realize that they are much nicer to visualize than to actually experience. (that is, assuming that you’re not aroused by pain. i am not, so for me this is very true.) a hard spanking is probably my #1 fantasy, but when i had one i wasn’t aroused in the slightest, and i have been careful to avoid them ever since. another thing is the butt plug. very arousing in thought. and the thought wouldn’t be quite so arousing if you were never made to follow through and really try it. but once it’s actually in? ugh, i just want it out!! as submissives we often crave things that contradict each other and ourselves. i was trying to make the point that it can be very worthwhile to craft *some* of the fantasy because sometimes that little bit is just as good if not better than the whole bag.

  5. I admire your honesty in what you wrote. Many of us, Doms as well as submissives, find that our fantasy life and our real-life emotions and commitments do not fit together. And there is no easy way to make them. But a life closed off from any realisation of fantasy is a life impoverished, I believe.

  6. I felt sad when i read that you would miss your other ‘self’. I don’t think she should disappear. I’m scared of losing mine too. I love my annoying bossy loud laughing brash paranoid lady self, and it would break my heart to lose her in my submission.–[milla]

  7. wow, lots to respond to! thanks to all for the interesting commentary – always nice to hear that others feel what i feel. this lifestyle can feel very isolating at times. i feel like i can’t talk to many people in my life about what i dream of (especially right now). i always appreciate and glow from the internet support of my blog readers. it really makes me feel not so alone, so thank you all for that.i think persephone hit the nail on the head that the fantasy is always better in some ways. to me, this is because i am in control of my fantasy dom in a way i never would be, or would want to be, over a real life one. the fantasy doms always make me do exactly what i want, and only to the extent i want it. that is appealing, and also unrealistic as she points out. i also agree with her that some things really are better in fantasy than in real life.SLO identified the other side of the conflict for me: yes, real life is not perfect, but it is REAL. i know that fantasies only get a girl so far. fantasies alone can be immensely sad for me – they highlight what i feel has been missing. SLO is right that this is my life and i should pursue what it is that i want (now if only i could figure that out completely).perhaps i am not ready yet to jump from the fantasy to the reality. perhaps i am hoping that more time, more rambling and more experience will throw the light on my truest desires (or, what i want more: vanilla with kink on the side, or a full order of the dark sexy stuff).it is true, as Deity pointed out, that my little girl fantasy is neither unsafe nor unfathomable. but i’m not sure what that means to me yet. i know that i could try to find it, but i wonder to what extent persephone’s predictions (some days we just won’t want to) would make me wish i’d stuck to vanilla with kink on the side. it’s not an easy decision, especially because, as many of you have noticed, i’m pretty much madly in love with mark. that is not something i would give up for a few months, or even years, of my fantasy, without the love i currently am blessed to experience on a daily basis. it’s simply a difficult decision for me.i just want to add a quick hi to roper and milla. i am an avid roper-reader, and have crossed internet paths with milla quite often (and enjoyed her blog as well, i might add).finally, as milla noted, the other fear of going all the way with my fantasies has to do with the loss of a part of me i cherish. it’s sad, humbling and scary to even consider it. but perhaps as SLO rightly points out, different will be better.generally, im not resolved yet on this issue. i’m sure it is something i’ll ponder. in the meantime, i will keep writing and exploring from my safe spot. but if anyone knows a nice Dom that likes what i like . . . ;)*lg

  8. You describe so clearly what so many of us go through! I second your opinion; I have my own ‘Mark’, who is perfect in every way (except in the area of sex), and only a fool would exchange true love for a fleeting, shadowy fantasy. After all, our imagination can go a long way. πŸ™‚ In a sense, having this blog could be your ‘double life’, without the need to betray Mark..


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