Posted by: littlegirlyone | May 29, 2007

sex and submission

i was chatting with persephone the other day, and realized in the course of the conversation that i tie my submission tightly to sex. this might not sound that strange – we all tie Dominance or submission (as the case may be) to some sort of sexual response, or we probably wouldn’t identify as BDSM people. however, what i mean is that my particular submission, my fantasies, are almost always based on sex, not unsexy things that i make sexual as a result of my submission.

for example, i couldn’t imagine submitting to someone without sexual play being a part of it. i sometimes read my local craigslist, and have seen postings seeking a bondage partner, for example. but, the post is clear that this is NON-sexual bondage, just ropes and rigging and no sexual play. no matter how badly i want to be tied up really tightly, i would never respond to an ad like that because the thought of baring my secret nature, giving away that hidden part of myself, and not sharing physical intimacy, is completely unappealing to me. i would rather stay home and dream about all the naughty things i want someone to do to me before he touches me and makes me his.

i read gray lily’s blog religiously. i adore her writing, and am fascinated by her relationship with mr. stern. however, i don’t yearn for a similar relationship because often gray lily’s interactions with mr. stern, and much of her submission to him, is in a completely non-sexual context. she empties his trash, cleans his house, does his laundry, etc. while she gets immense satisfaction from submitting to him in these ways, i cannot imagine myself feeling similarly if that was my role. it’s not that i would mind doing those things for someone else, it’s that i wouldn’t enjoy them as submission. a major ingredient would be missing for me: sex. i need sex with my submission, please. at least at this point in my journey. and i think that makes me a bit different.

when i say i need sex with it, i don’t really mean penetration. i don’t mean that i need to orgasm (although i like that very much). what i mean is, i need sexual energy involved. directly. i need to be fondled and left to stew in my own frustration. i need to be teased, used, taken, made, objectified, but i need to have it in a sexually-charged way. i would be just fine if penetration didn’t happen (although i’m sure i would start begging for it after a while), but i need it to be sexual play that i am engaged in. otherwise, i don’t feel like being submissive. it’s not fun. i don’t want to. and i won’t.

john once told me that he thought i was a nymphomaniac. i laughed, thinking that was just a projection of what he’d like me to be. he said he thought i could be happy living a life where all i did was have sex, as long as i got a few hours of intellectual stimulation thrown in the mix. at the time, i thought it was funny, but for weeks it haunted me: could i?

nymphomaniac is one of those socially-charged words, though. it comes with all kinds of baggage. it conjures images of a cat-in-heat girl, a sex addict, if you will. i really don’t identify that way (although i am known for bringing sex into almost every conversation with my friends). i keep my desires in check 90% of the time, and i certainly know how to behave in public, and i’ve never felt like my drive to have sex was anywhere close to an addiction. however, nymphomania has also been explained as a word for blatant expressions of female desire, pure and simple. in some people’s view, nymphomania, like hysteria, is a medical term given to describe female sexuality before it was socially recognized as possible (or desirable) for women to have a sex drive. from that angle, i would proudly claim nymphomania as my own – afterall, i write a public blog about my most intimate sexual fantasies – if being a girl with a sex drive is all it takes to be called a nympho, i claim it for myself. especially since i can’t imagine my submission without a side of sexuality.

could i live as john suggested? honestly, i think that yes, i could. however, because of my situation with mark, it is not likely i ever would. i could live like that if i found the right person who knew how to control, discipline, use and take care of me in the right ways. if that was his wish, that i serve him as gray lily serves mr. stern, only with my body, i think i could do it.

i think i’d adore it, to be honest.


  1. That’s so interesting. I very much identify with this, that domination for me is always about sex. I don’t really get off on being served unless it’s directly sexual. So, if she’s going to clean the floor, I’d only let her if she did it naked with a butt plug in place. If you get my meaning.As for being a nympho, you sound more like a slut to me. I mean that as a compliment. Truly.

  2. I’ve developed and applied a rather intricate fantasy wherein i transform a girl into a fucktoy, meaning her only purpose is one of being used (either physically or mentally) in a sexual way, and she in turn thinks of herself as serving this sole purpose. Incredibly riveting. I wonder is that too far for you? For some it has been.Another question i had was what if you were rigged, tortured, and teased, but never knew if you were going to be stimulated sexually (the option was definitely there, but the choice of whether it happened wasn’t yours)? I think this dichotomy would have to come from a deeply trustful relationship, but i’m curious if you would leave your secret nature fully clothed.

  3. roper,i’ve always happily claimed to be a slut (to intimate friends, obv). you’ve captured something i was trying to express – i would gladly clean the house naked and with a butt plug! but just the cleaning? snooze. diety,the fucktoy – oh wow! you hit on one of my most favorite terms of endearment. i do think that john was right – i would need some intellectual stimuli or i would be depressed. but other than that, i would probably love it (if i could get over the guilt of my $100,000+ education being wasted and my deeply-bred feminism).as for your second question, i think that goes to erotic frustration, which i commented on in your blog, and which i’m going to post on soon. as persephone has pointed out, you really are a predictor!*lg

  4. Hi…I just discovered your blog, but look forward to reading more. I completely understand what you’re saying, though I might describe myself as only being interested in submission within an intimate context. Once that physical connection has been established and a relationship develops, there are many times when you’re submissive in a non-sexual context. Maybe it’s making him a special meal, or getting him a drink when he needs a refill. It’s a giving, submissive act, though it doesn’t necessarily have an immediate tie to a sexually charged situation.I’m looking forward to reading your blog in more detail!

  5. welcome J! i am always glad to find a new reader. i took a look at your blog, too and am happy to meet you. i know what you mean about giving in non-sexual contexts. i imagine that if i were to have a more established relationship, i would experience that more. as it is, my submission is in its early stages, and i am not “with” a dom, so perhaps those non-sexual ways of serving will come with time and experience.again, welcome and thanks for the comment!

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