Posted by: littlegirlyone | July 8, 2007


this is the first mini-post in a series i am excited to start about dark fantasies. these are the fantasies i have that are so twisted, unrealistic and scary that i don’t think i really want to experience them, but they captivate my erotic response nonetheless (funny how my pussy doesn’t listen to logic ;). anyway, i hope you all enjoy my explanation and exploration of my scary insides. i am hoping to pinpoint what about these fantasies gets me so hot, and of course i want to know if anyone else out there finds the same ideas arousing.

mark and i went to the movies to see this japanese anime film, paprika. i am no anime buff, in fact, the last couple of times i tried to watch one of these movies i felt like tearing my hair out because there wasn’t any discernible plot and it felt like a bad drug trip. but this one is getting rave reviews, and it looked really visually appealing, so i agreed.

i just want to make a really obvious observation: japanese movies have a lot of fetishistic sex and violence.

in the movie, a young woman psychologist and a doctor developed a technology that allows a person to record and invade another person’s dreams. the device is called the DC Mini. it pretty much looks like a cellphone earpiece gone bad. anyway, when the psychologist enters another’s dream, she takes on an alter-ego, paprika. the two don’t really look alike, with the psychologist drawn as a semi-realistic japanese woman, and paprika drawn as an anime girl. and for those of you that are curious, paprika looks about as much like me as a cartoon ever could. anyway, that is the basic plot of the movie.
at one point, paprika is caught by one of the villains. she had given herself wings because she’d been trying to escape something. anyway, paprika wakes up pinned to a table like a butterfly in a room full of pinned butterflies. this scene made me shiver in my seat with desire.

despite the obvious problem that i will never have wings, i want to be pinned to a table like that.

the scene got even more unrealistic, and weirdly hot. the villain tries in vain to get paprika to admit she loves him. of course she does not, and says so. in fact, she is rather cheeky throughout his whole interrogation, not submissive at all. the villain gets angry, and begins to molest poor paprika. as she squirms underneath his hands, immobilized by the pins, he presses hard into her crotch. she gasps as his hand begins to sink into her flesh, invading her insides, moving up underneath her skin toward her throat. i was tingling throughout the interrogation scene, but this strange invasion got me wiggling in my seat.

his hand’s path slices paprika open, but not in a bloody nasty way. the villain’s hand appears to have busted through paprika’s outer appearance to reveal her “true” self: the psychologist. as paprika’s empty shell lays helpless on the table, the villain pulls the psychologist by her neck toward him. by the end of the scene i could feel myself throbbing against the chair, and i pressed my thighs together tightly.

clearly, this scene is impossible. forget the part about the wings, there is no way anyone’s hands are going to sink beneath my surface anytime soon. but this scene captured both erotic helplessness and total control. paprika’s pinned form was completely helpless. she couldn’t move at all, or if she could it would be very painful as she was essentially skewered on the pins stuck into the table beneath her. something about this kind of immobilization and complete physical helplessness really appeals to me.

at the same time, she was free to speak. i mentioned before that she was rather bratty in her responses to the villain. she was in no way being a good submissive. i have mentioned before that i have some very strong resistance fantasies. i don’t want to be good; i want to be made to be good. and i want to resist until i cannot do anything but give in. the idea gives me the shivers, but i think the statement is accurate. i am fueled by a desire to be “made” to do things.

why? why am i less excited about just being good, and really excited by being made to be good? i suppose that all submissives have a desire to be molded and shaped, some perhaps more than others. but i want to be forced more than i want to comply. i want to be bad and sassy and resistant. the obvious analysis of that is that i feel guilty about wanting what i want. if i’m “forced” into doing bad things, no one would blame me for what i did. that explanation resonates with me, especially because i have a whole lot of fantasies about submitting to an extremely controlling person who makes me do all kinds of things i’m scared/don’t want to do, including (deep breath) leave mark.

i confess, for years i’ve had this fantasy that i would find someone who would command me to leave my boyfriend to live with him. scary. i think i have this fantasy because i don’t want to leave mark. i would feel guilty and i would be heartbroken. if someone made me do it, though, i think i imagine my guilt would be assuaged. i hate that i’m admitting this right now, especially in light of the current turmoil in our relationship. he is a good man. i love him. i am just really confused, and admittedly terrified of the future with or without him.

in addition, i think this scene captures another aspect of D/s that i crave: when the villain reaches inside paprika’s body, he essentially exposes her naked self. this one makes sense to me as well. i harbor this fantasy that someone will just “get” me. i think mark gets close in so many ways, but he misses one piece: that little slut inside me. i crave intense scrutiny, someone who can see everything about me. perhaps that also explains my examination and mind control fantasies. i imagine how completely freeing it would be to have someone see right inside, sink his hands right into my softest girly part (in the movie, his hand sunk first into her pussy), and expose my sexual desires without blinking. the thought is both terrifying and cathartic. i would be terrified that he would be disgusted with what he found, but i would be hopeful that he would accept it.

exposure. humiliation. vulnerability. helplessness. and one controlling man to make it all come true – that is what this scene tells me about my fantasies.

oh, and if any of you sees or have seen paprika, i would love to hear what you think or thought.


  1. “i imagine how completely freeing it would be to have someone see right inside, sink his hands right into my softest girly part (in the movie, his hand sunk first into her pussy), and expose my sexual desires without blinking.”This is just absolutely stunning. You captured in a capsule what you found in the movie, but then you restated it in such an alluring and moving way. Completely magnificent.

  2. Oh…I would love to see this!I linked to you…hope that’s ok!

  3. lg, i’ve been sitting here for more than a few minutes trying to type what i want to say about this post and how i relate to it myself and how it relates to what i understand about you, and i just can’t put the words together. it keeps coming out sounding ridiculous. so i will just have to talk to you about it the next time we talk (which will be soon i hope!). either way, i can feel in your writing that you are in motion right now. teetering on the fence, maybe, trying to decide which of many yards you want to drop down into. i hope you continue to use your writing to work out your best choice.

  4. What you say about not wanting to be good but wanting to be forced and how that helps overcome guilt about sluttiness will strike a chord with many. It’s a very succinct and clear-sighted statement.

  5. Deity,Thank you. Anytime I allure you, I smile ;)Pixie,I hope you do get a chance to see the movie, and of course it’s ok to link me. I’m flattered.Persephone,I am so curious about what in my writing tips you off that I am in motion – has my tone changed?Roper,I agree that many will relate, and as always, appreciate your feedback and encouragement.

  6. […] guy (thanks to B for that term!) I needed someone who wanted to open me up the way I’ve always dreamed: slowly, carefully, like a present wrapped in layers of delicate paper too pretty to tear. But […]

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