Posted by: littlegirlyone | July 14, 2007

turn and face the change part two

i saw john for the first time in 3 months. it was strange, but not all bad. i feel contemplative, tentative, confused, frustrated and hopeless. i was nervous – he’s getting divorced, how would it be?

it was melancholy, a bit frustrating, perhaps not the ideal goodbye. in fact, we didn’t say goodbye, although he all but gave me the perfect exit. spineless brat that i am, i’ve been handed my key on a platter, and i still keep waiting for him to stop me, or use it himself.

we met downtown, at a much nicer hotel than usual. at first, he suggested coffee, but by the end of the conversation, he had me checking into a hotel. he’s changed quite drastically, to the point that i walked right by him on my way to the hotel and didn’t even notice he was sitting there. that’s a little creepy, and the second time in a week that i’ve walked by him and been oblivious. there’s something sad about it. standing in his near vicinity used to make my head spin. i used to yearn to see him somewhere unexpected. then, in a few days’ span, i managed to miss him entirely. twice.

divorced john isn’t much fun – i learned that much after we started walking. there’s a deep sadness to him, now. he’s angry and frustrated and heartbroken, and i felt all of those emotions coming off him as we walked together. it had been her idea, the divorce. he was caught off-guard, which i imagine he must have hated. he assured me that our relationship had nothing to do with the end of his marriage, and i believed him because i needed to believe that, and because he seemed sincere.

he told me that now that he’s single, he wants more. he wants more submission, but not from me. he re-activated his alternative profile, and is actively seeking a partner. i felt tears welling, but i didn’t want to cry. i swallowed hard.

“are you saying goodbye to me?” i tilted my head toward his face as i asked him. i wanted to see the truth.

“no. if i wanted to say goodbye to you, i would just say goodbye.” comforting.

“what, then?”

“i’m looking for more, that’s all.”

it made me want to scream. afterall, i’m the one who actually wants more from him. i started to sulk, which he noticed.

“tell me what you’re thinking right now,” he demanded.

“i don’t know where to start.”

“fine. i’ll start for you. you’re angry and upset.”

wrong. i was frustrated and in shock.

“i’m actually more frustrated than angry,” i corrected. “i wish i could be more for you, and i am envious of your freedom, despite the fact that it came at great personal cost. at the same time, i understand. if i were in your position, i would want to know the same thing: could i be this girl all the time? could there be a man that i would want to do that with? so i understand why, but it still hurts me that you are going and . . . ”

then, he reminded me of exactly how much i needed to leave him.

“you’re too emotional about this, you always have been. what have i been telling you all along? you need to separate your submission from your emotions. you need to keep them separate. you need to stop this right now.”

at the time, i just shook my head in agreement. on reflection, i know how impossible that is for me. not only am i convinced that i cannot separate my submission from my emotions, i am certain that i don’t want to. when i think about having a fantasy relationship, it always involves some kind of emotional connection. that was the missing ingredient with john from the start. not only is he emotionless about me, he expects me to achieve that same level of detachment.

i can’t. but more importantly, i don’t want to.

i wrote once that i have a hard time separating submission from sex. as it turns out, i can’t parse my emotions from it either. that makes me such a girl, i know, but it also makes me me.

unfortunately for john, i have a heart, and it won’t disappear no matter how much i will it to submit.

for anyone else that becomes interested, he will have to accept that i’m only willing to submit when i can include my heart and soul.


Responses

  1. “are you saying goodbye to me?” i tilted my head toward his face as i asked him.For some reason, i saw this image of you, so clearly, tilting your head, pulling on him with your eyes. It was the strongest image i got. I saw tears, emotion, real humanity. I’m very sorry you had to endure this.

  2. I can’t for the life of me see why anyone would want to separate their emotions from their sexual submission. What would be the point? True submission requires trust and commitment. It’s not a cheap thrill.

  3. i think that this was a beautiful recounting of your experience. i feel like your writing is becoming more and more beautiful lately. i am entranced with it.we already talked about this a long time ago. but i liked reading about it. it did feel sadder in writing than it did when you were speaking it… but i also felt a little bit satisfied when i read this. because i think it’s a big deal that you know that you need more than he can give you, despite the allure that he has had.

  4. deity,thank you. it’s funny you saw that particular part so clearly, as it was one of the more vivid and painful moments to recount. it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, thank heavens, and i am moving forward . . . roper,i agree wholeheartedly. and nobody likes to feel like a cheap thrill, either.persephone,the compliments, my goodness! thank you and thank you again. and i feel that same satisfaction about knowing what i know now – i’m not a slow learner, but i’m slow to change as a result of what i learn. i felt truly ready in this post.

  5. I see so much of me in your words! I submitted to a man like John, once. He was always so emotionally distant too, and it got to a point where I just could not bear being so intimate with him and knowing that emotionally, he was not mine at all.

  6. Maybe i am out of tune but i just want to say thank goodness you have been able to move on. I have always been worried about how you could need somebody so bad and they sat and looked at their blackberry (is that the right word). D/s is a two way process, there needs to be love and affection, even if it is not allowed to be declared (like in puppy tales)or alternatively total love and devotion as with persephone. i wish you all the best

  7. Yen,a proper welcome to you, and i just want to go on the record saying that your blog rocks! anyone who hasn’t discovered ifthecollarfits yet, go click on the link on the right right NOW!katie,so funny that you brought the Blackberry up – between john and mark’s obsessions with that thing, i have built a ridiculous hatred/resentment toward that device. you’re not off base at all – you are right. i just move like a tortoise when something unpleasant is involved.


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