Posted by: littlegirlyone | August 22, 2007

self-centered/other-centered: two kinds of submission

i used to imagine what it would be like to really be submissive to someone. i always imagined being “made” to do things that i really (secretly) wanted to do: have sex, have lots of orgasms, act like a lascivious little hussy, wear schoolgirl outfits, and the like. i never, never, never fantasized about being made to do things i really didn’t want to do at all. in this way, my fantasy was really self-centered: i would find this perfect man who would understand me completely, know all of my desires without having to ask, and only ask me to do things that he would know i would like doing. this was basically a win-win fantasy; i got to do all of the naughty things i dreamed about without having to ask for them, or even admit i wanted to do them. thus, i would live the virgin/whore dichotomy without any real conflict: i would be a virgin (metaphorically speaking) if this wild man didn’t keep making me his whore.

i realize, actually, that lots of people have this kind of relationship. admittedly, it’s not often that a dominant (or any person, for that matter) knows without asking what exactly his girl wants. but, i think that with experience and practice, most know there are certain things that will almost assuredly drive a submissive girl wild. while each girl has her little proclivities, and certainly we all have individual limits, the dominant partner can sort of “know” some things his girl will enjoy doing. to me, it seems that many people engage in this type of D/s relationship.

i feel quite confident saying that because that pretty much sums up my relationship with John, or at least, what my expectations for that relationship were. he didn’t necessarily “know” me in all the ways i fantasized he would, but he also did a fairly good job at guessing most of the time. admittedly, he made some major mistakes, and in the end, i knew his ideas about D/s and mine were not compatible, but for the most part, he treated me like the whore i wanted him to make me, and i was mostly able to maintain my little mind game of telling myself that he was “making me” do things (that i secretly adored). he never once ever asked me to do anything that i didn’t secretly know i would like doing. never. and i suspect he probably knew that i would like it. oh yes, indeed.

i mention all this because i’m realizing there is another kind of submission. i feel a bit of trepidation in discussing this because i don’t want to come off as snobbish, or too big for her britches. i’m just at the very tip of this major iceburg of discovery, and the last thing i want to do is give the impression that i know anything about what i’m looking at. this other kind of submission – well, if you’ll permit me, i’d like to call it other-centered submission, the opposite of the self-centered brand i’ve imagined and experimented with in the past.

other-centered submission is not a concept i’ve never seen before. but honestly, now that i’m starting to identify it, it was the kind of submission i didn’t really “get” before. or maybe i felt it was really far beyond where i’d ever want to go myself. examples of other-centered submissives i’ve been in awe of for a while: gray lily, toy and kaya. i’ve read each of these women’s journals before with a mixture of awe and fear. they do things they don’t, can’t possibly want to do; they do them all the time! yet, they enjoy doing these things, and that is the part that i didn’t get for so long. i just couldn’t wrap my selfish little mind around the source of their pleasure. i suppose intellectually, i understood that they took pleasure in serving, but some of the things they have submitted to simply didn’t make sense to me. i would not ever want that, therefore, i figured, i would not ever submit to it. plain and simple.

recently, i had a very tiny little sample of what it is like to submit to something i really didn’t enjoy: every single day of my vacation, right before we left for the day, i was to suck mark to completion in my mouth, hold his cum as long as i could get away with it, and then swallow. when i first got this assignment, i agreed to it pretty easily. i really tend to like sucking cock – i get wet from it, i enjoy the smooth skin and the saliva and the slippery sliding and the gagging and the feeling of being face fucked. i’ve also enjoyed cum. i’ve licked it off myself before (with pleasure), swallowed plenty of times with no issue. i just didn’t see this assignment as any different, or harder than anything else i’d imagined.

i totally underestimated how awful cum gets when held in your mouth. almost within the first few moments, it gets runny, and thin, and mixes with saliva. it grows! pretty soon i had a mouth full of cum-tasting, watery feeling, gaggy stuff. and i had to hold it “until it was socially awkward” not to swallow. and then, i had to swallow it. i promise you, i gagged each and every day i did it, and ran to the first water source around to rinse my mouth.

after the first day, i hated this assignment. i loathed it. i resented it. i didn’t want to do it. and i spent all week wondering why in the world i was doing it, considering i really, really, really and truly didn’t want to. this was so not the kind of submission i’d imagined. sure, i’d imagined lots and lots of cock sucking in my self-centered submissive fantasies, and i’d imagined being “made” to swallow every last drop of cum. but this, this was not pleasurable and it was hard.

add to that the fact that mark, the recipient of a week’s worth of blowjobs, was not making me give them. he was a passive participant: a source of cum, a cock to practice on. oh, how much easier it would have been if he had been ordering me to do this, threatening me with something worse, holding some reward over my head if i was good. but, no. this was all me. alone. choosing each and every morning to be a cumslut, and fill my mouth with something that i knew would make me gag.

there were mornings when i’d be on my knees feeling so much fury rushing over me. i tried to tell myself that this was my purpose, this was my job. my mouth is made for catching cum, i thought over and over again. it didn’t work all the time (although sometimes i was able to release into that mantra, and even find a bit of pleasure again in sucking his cock). but, by the time i had a mouth full of spit and cum, it took every bit of strength i had, every ounce of self control, to open the back of my throat, lift my tongue, and swallow.

this puzzled me greatly during the days in between the blowjobs. i knew i’d asked for assignments. i had accepted this one, willingly and sincerely. i wanted to do it, yet i was so resentful, and so resistant to the assignment that it literally became a test of my mind over my body. oh, how my mouth wanted to spit. oh, how i didn’t even want to start with his cock in my mouth some mornings! yet, i kept doing it, essentially to myself since there was no one really monitoring me. i made myself submit to doing something i loathed.

and yes, although i wasn’t allowed to touch myself to verify, i was wet despite my frustration. the way my panties stuck to me, the slide of the tissue in the ladies room, and the wet spots on my inner thighs confirmed that just as well as a finger running up my pink slit would have.

this feels like a totally different kind of submission to me, much more in the vein of the ladies above. and although i humbly admit i’m still far, far away from their level of training, obedience and submission, and i’m not sure my endpoint will even resemble theirs, i am starting to see that kind of submission, the other-centered kind, as the direction in which i’m going to be taking my first very small, very timid steps.


Responses

  1. It is hard! I used to protest, until he told me, “It isn’t about making you happy. It’s about you being happy making me happy.” Which is a difficult transition to make in my head.The service things, those too — i could be whipped for days, easy. But doing things i don’t want to do? Without the threat of pain? Just…because…he wants it? It’s like a switch in your head somewhere that you have to flip. And it doesn’t stay flipped all the time, either.

  2. it’s a hard lesson to learn that your body is not truly your own. What a good job you did!And you worded that so perfectly…cum does grow…lol

  3. Fascinating, and very perceptive. What’s not quite clear to me is whether this is something you made yourself do, as an exercise in self-discovery, or whether it was an assignment imposed on you by someone else.

  4. i think “self-centered” submission was, for you, a safe way of testing the waters. It’s the progression into the more evolved form that is so scary, and as i’ve heard, slippery.

  5. i think that i don’t often feel like i’m being made to do things that i don’t like. but i think that’s because i’ve hit a point where i find a way to like just about anything that they want to do to me. even if i don’t like the thing that they are asking for, i like that they are making me do it. you know?

  6. daddy’s only girl,welcome to my journal and thank your for the comment! that is a good way of looking at it, too – finding happiness in another’s happiness. although, i tend to be a ‘people pleaser’ in general, i also fervently hope that people will be pleased with what i want to offer them. this is a hard switch to flip! you are so right about that.pixie,thanks – i feel like it was a baby step, but a step nonetheless. and as far as the cum goes – yeah, um i still feel like i can’t swallow when i think of it.roper,to answer you, i think it was both. i didn’t originate the idea, but i also made myself do it. deity,”slippery” as in, once you pop you just can’t stop? or slippery as in wet?but i agree that the “self-centered” exploration was very safe, and probably necessary for me. who knows, it might intrigue me again someday, but for now, i’ve got a taste for something new.persephone,it’s hard to really unravel the knot. it seems to me, purely as an outsider, that if you wouldn’t secretly want it unless your owners made you do it, that is the kind of not wanting that i’m talking about. your happiness stemmming from theirs, etc. but, it’s hard to know how it feels to be anyone other than me. although we all have similarities, the differences can also be astounding.thanks to you all for your positive feedback and kind words. you make me smile :)*lg

  7. Thank you so much for your post. I’m so flattered you look up to my submission to Mr Stern.The funniest part about my service and submission to him, though? I never in a million years thought I would get pleasure from serving someone so completely. I never imagined that making someone else happy would bring such joy and fulfillment to my life. There is just something about Mr Stern that makes me want to do anything he says. I consider myself lucky to have found someone who can practically read my mind and push me the way I want to be pushed, and who I love and respect enough to forget that I have limits and boundaries. Whatever he wants, I want to give him. I feel more secure in myself when I know exactly what I am expected to do. I lose myself – in a very tangible and perceivable way – in pleasing him and turning him on.Best of luck,-GL

  8. I have to agree 100% with Gray Lily: “I consider myself lucky to have found someone who can practically read my mind and push me the way I want to be pushed, and who I love and respect enough to forget that I have limits and boundaries. Whatever he wants, I want to give him. I feel more secure in myself when I know exactly what I am expected to do. I lose myself – in a very tangible and perceivable way – in pleasing him and turning him on.”I feel immensely grateful every single day.Thank you for the mention & am happy to be of inspiration by the hands & whims of my Owner.Great post!DL’s toy

  9. Gray Lily and toy,The post was my pleasure. It was a nice breakthrough for me to finally see the angle you both come from. I mentioned the other day that my new perspective has really made many things less unknowable. I’m grateful to both of you for writing so honestly and provocatively about your experiences. Having read about both of your relationships helped me to see the other possibilities.And really, I’m thrilled that both of you have found what you have.Thanks for dropping by!

  10. […] of my early submissive fantasies centered around being treated like a very special girl. i’ve wondered if maybe they weren’t really all that submissive, regardless, they were my early non-vanilla […]


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