Posted by: littlegirlyone | November 27, 2007

but not for me

one of my rules is that i’m not allowed to touch my pussy without permission. at all. i’ve lived this rule for almost four months, and boy, was it trying to accept and obey. the first few weeks, i had all sorts of hardship with it. it’s awful to realize that no matter how nice and polite a girl thinks she is, she touches her pussy all the time. and i’m not talking about touching to have an orgasm, or even for sexual stimulus. i’m talking about sticking my hand in my panties for comfort, absent-mindedly, without noticing. i’m talking about drifting off to sleep with my hand cupped softly around my mound. i’m talking about touching all the time.

i mean, i used to touch it all the time.

i didn’t think, initially, that this rule would last. i thought this would be a sort of exercise, and that i would get my privileges back. so i worked hard at being good and keeping my hands where they belonged, all the while thinking that this was a temporary change. four months later, i think that this rule may be here to stay.

maybe my mother should have taught me better manners. or maybe she tried and i was just too stubborn, but i’ve always felt a sort of kinship with my pussy. it was my warm place, my pleasure spot, my little pink wonderland. but i find that all that has changed now. i think of it as mine in the sense that it is a part of my body. mine to take care of, mine to mind, but not the same way i used to think of it as mine. not mine to use. part of me, but not for me.

surprisingly, i have managed to obey my rule, through turmoil and withdrawal, thick and thin, i’ve held tightly to that little piece of training like a security blanket. although it’s been a bit quieter on my pages, i haven’t thrown out my training. i saw how much i really have changed as a result just the other night.

mark has two brothers, both of whom were in town for the holiday. cooking for 8 people in my tiny apartment took its toll on me, and i declined to go out with them two nights in a row. this left me home, alone, on a cold november night, crawling into bed without any comfort. and so not tired, albeit exhausted. i thought rather absently that these were the kind of nights i used to break out my bunny, and send myself off to sleep with two (or nine) orgasms. i very nearly went and dug my bunny out of his hiding place.

but i didn’t.

it occurred to me that i was perhaps being silly. i could give myself an orgasm if i wanted. i could do it. or could i? the simple fact is that i couldn’t. or maybe, more accurately, i wouldn’t. and this puzzled me. have i really absorbed this idea of my pussy being not mine so deeply that i felt it like a wall? had i accepted this idea so completely? it seems i have.

it is as though i have an invisible chastity belt. and i don’t have the key anymore.

the knowledge that i have altered my relationship to my own body so deeply, that i have actually given something so that i feel like i can’t take it back for myself, makes me feel calm, almost trance-like. i can’t believe that, but it’s true. i would expect that i would feel resentful that i accepted this barrier, erected it myself, obeyed it, honored it, and haven’t received a reward. i think originally i expected to get some kind of treat for obeying, for changing my behavior, and accepting my place. i thought maybe the day would come when i would be told that part of my training was over, that i could have my pussy back now. that i could go home and cum as many times as i wanted. but i’ve realized that day isn’t coming. all of a sudden i’m realizing that the change isn’t for a reward, the reward is the change.

i can readily see that for many, this would be an unwelcome alteration. i could see that if i was reading my journal, as you are now, i would possibly think that the author was either an idiot or a liar. it doesn’t make sense, or if it does, it sounds holier-than-thou and snobbish, to admit that the helplessness and frustration i felt when i thought about making myself cum for my own pleasure, and wouldn’t, was the reward for my diligence.

all the times i’ve slapped my own hand away from myself, all the times i’ve caught myself pink-handed, only to blush and smack something in frustration. all those times were about this day, this moment. they were about that night, when i sat there, yearning to be used, and knew that there was no way i could use myself.

i just didn’t work that way anymore.

i’m not saying that i’ve vowed off self-love forever. who knows how long a girl can keep her hands to herself? and admittedly, i only got this far because i thought this was temporary. perhaps accepting its permanence will alter my ability to stay on my path, and drive me so mad with the unending thought of a lifetime without masturbation that i’ll plunge my hands into my panties with unhesitant abandon. but even writing that sentence doesn’t make me want to do it.

i’ve changed my perception of my body, or one little piece of it. one small, but rather important piece. and i can’t help feeling a little bit triumphant.


Responses

  1. *giggle* nice to know i am not the only one who absentmindedly “plays” with her pussy. it’s like al bundy syndrome, for women…

  2. It all makes perfect sense to me.

  3. lg,Discipline of self is a most difficult task. When achieved it is admirable and usually almost always has its rewards. There must be a reward, look further.admiration,-TFP

  4. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud to lolidoll’s comment regarding Al Bundy. It’s so true. And I am also in that category of touching my pussy for comfort. And until you become conscious of the fact, you’re in denial (or I was), about how often you have your hands between your legs. Lg, I am still how you were…most nights I am comforted by my hand cupping my mound. And many times I wake up to find my hand inside my knickers (and sometimes my fingers in my pussy). I admire you, and that you are so happy with where you are. But for me, I don’t think I could ever do it. I am a masturbator at heart, and it would just be way too hard for me to do what you’ve done. Hats off to you though, you’ve done well. Lucy

  5. Oh, I could relate to this post in so many ways! The idea that my pussy is no longer truly mine, the lingering hope that this was a short-term exercise, the satisfaction in being “good”. And, yes, the realization that…my goodness, I used to touch myself a lot!

  6. I admire you so much. I came across your web blog from Roper’s page. I sat here all weekend reading every one of your posts and comments.I wish I could be brave like you. Thank you for deciding to chronicle your journey.

  7. loli,i giggled when i read that. al bundy is such a great character! and i’m glad i wasn’t as abnormally-touchy as i thought ;)roper,of course it does ;)TFP,the reward, for me at this point, is actually the practice itself. i feel a sense of accomplishment that i’ve altered something about me, something that seemed impossible to change.lucy,well thanks for your admiration. i have to say though, i’m a masturbator at heart in a lot of ways, but i think that something has shifted inside me, and i’m not sure if i will be able to unlock that part of me again. amy,welcome to my journal! i’m so flattered you’ve dropped by. i’ve been reading yours, too lately, and i’m glad to know i’m not the only girl who has been through this kind of training. it seems like lots of submissives get placed on orgasm restriction, but i haven’t read anywhere about a girl being placed on touching restriction completely. thanks for the moral support.maggie,i’m so glad you found me, and welcome to my journal. my journey is a little bit different, but i’m glad you enjoyed what you read. i can still remember discovering gray lily, and devouring her pages in a weekend. that is such fun! i hope i lived up to my own expectations, and i’m humbled by your admiration.as far as being brave, i wasn’t always like this. i only started writing because i got so bottled around this time last year, and reading other submissive’s journals was no longer enough. thanks for all the comments everyone. it really means a lot to me. incidentally, i’m sure you’ve all noticed i’m rather slow to respond to comments (although i do try to always respond at some point). do you check back for a response? if so, in how many days? is my lag time too long?i’m always looking for feedback on how to improve my journal for you readers. please feel free to drop me an email, or leave a comment to let me know if there’s something you would like better.

  8. Oh, i can relate to this so completely! The moment i realized that i totally didn’t think of my orgasms as being for me, but instead for him, was similarly profound for me.


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