Posted by: littlegirlyone | December 18, 2007


my original childhood dreams were to be famous and a waitress. although i’ve only accomplished one of those goals (i’ll let you decide which), these twin aims illuminate a sort of desire polarity i’ve been mulling: i want to be special and i want to be not-so special (with apologies to the waitresses of the world, because of course, that is just me using your job as a metaphor, and you are all special in your own ways).

lots and lots of my early submissive fantasies centered around being treated like a very special girl. i’ve wondered if maybe they weren’t really all that submissive, regardless, they were my early non-vanilla desires: special little girl scenes, being treated like a little princess (albeit, a dirty little princess), being cherished. as a girl that sometimes wants everyone to love her, a lot of my fantasies turned on my desirability.

in fact, when i first found persephone’s submission, around this time last year, that was exactly what drew me to her situation. and, for those of you who’ve been around long enough to remember, it was his refusal to treat me as special that led me to break if off with john.

a few weeks ago, i woke one morning from an erotic dream whose driving force was the idea that i was not special; i dreamt i was abducted, and taken to be part of a harem. (i have been reading malika oufkir’s memoir, stolen lives, and her depictions of life in the morroccan palace have most definitely brought the idea of a harem to mind.)

i’m not one who remembers her dreams all that often, so i can’t tell you if i have a lot of erotic dreams or not. assuming that i remember the erotic ones as often as the non-erotic ones, i would say that i dream about sex, or sexual situations, about 2-3 times a month. but this dream was particularly vivid, both in its sexual stimulation (i woke up so flushed, i worried for a moment i might have come in my sleep) and in its staying power (i haven’t been able to forget the images of this dream for weeks and weeks).

i remember the man who owned the harem was quite powerful. interestingly, i remember that sense of his incredible power, although i cannot remember his face or features. i recall being held up with his large hands squeezing my arms under my shoulders, almost as one would hold a child right before lifting her up. i can almost still feel his gaze as it traveled down my naked form. i remember the thrill i felt as he marveled at how much work there was to be done with me. he seemed to take an inordinate pleasure in just describing the ways in which i would be changed to suit his fancy.

i was to be placed on a very strictly monitored diet. it wasn’t meant to starve me, but to strip me of the autonomy to decide when and what to eat. having my diet dictated is one of my super dark, not commonly-shared fantasies. it’s not something i readily admit to, even with D/s friendly people, as it seems to confuse them. for some reason, people get upset about this idea, and they always end up telling me something like “if that man doesn’t like you the way you are, you should take your goodies elsewhere.”

the idea of having my diet regulated doesn’t make me feel bad about my goodies, though. of course, it would be possible that i would lose or gain weight, depending on what the diet was. but i don’t think of that as the point. i like the idea of someone else dictating this area of my life maybe because it sounds so overtly controlling. it also appeals to the little girl in me, who wants a bedtime, and forbidden foods. and even if the diet was meant to make me lose weight, i wouldn’t mind. i love the idea that someone would take such an interest in sculpting my physical form that he would go to the trouble! now, obviously, some random jerk telling me i can’t eat something isn’t what i’m talking about, and a lot of this has to do with approach. but done correctly, i think having my food dictated would be something i would really enjoy.

he started to describe the many physical changes he would implement. oddly, the only one i remember vividly is that he expected me to maintain a tan line of a skimpy pair of panties. it’s not that i can’t see the sexuality inherent in those kinds of tan lines (i associate them with strippers, go figure); i think it’s odd because the thought of those tan lines became a source of erotic tension since i had this dream. i never desired them before, and now, when i think about the pale line of skin accenting my hip, highlighting my bare pussy, i positively melt with desire. i’ve even considered taking up tanning just to try it (although i know it’s really bad for me, and i like my pale skin for other reasons).

my livingquarters were more like a stable: a large room, with sumptuous, but tiny, little stalls all along the perimeter. i was escorted there by two strong guards. inside one of the stalls, they positioned me on my hands and knees in the center of a large, fluffy bed. i quaked with both embarrassment and desire as they wrapped my wrists, ankles and knees in soft cords, securing me in this position. i thought for sure i was going to be used at this point, and braced myself for penetration by one or both of them. then, quite unexpectedly, i felt the cool, rubbery firmness of a dildo pressing into my pussy. they secured it somehow, then proceeded to fill my ass with another toy.

when one of them came around toward my head, with a large dildo gag in his hand, my eyes widened in protest. i knew (because it was my dream, i guess) that he was going to strap that into my mouth, and then leave me like this. i think at this point i was a little overwhelmed, because i started crying. the guards were nonplussed. indeed, as i’d anticipated, the guard strapped the gag on me, and began to leave. on their way toward the door, one of them gave me a light slap on the ass.

it was the casualness of this treatment that drove me wild. it was like they gagged, plugged and left girls like this all the time! i felt so commonplace, so not special, and i must admit that i really enjoyed feeling like i was, well, one in a large stable of possible options. i have noticed this before: as much as i always love being the center of attention, i also love the idea of being humbled like this. i read traces of this in other submissive’s posts, when they wonder about the power they feel when they please their dom, and perhaps question whether they like feeling that kind of power, or not. for me, i think i’ve always felt quite sure of my desirability, at least to a certain point. men always seemed pretty simple in that regard: naked girl willing to do as he says = hot. so there is something so stimulating in not being anything all that special, even tied to a bed, stuffed with rubber toys, displayed like a complete slut. there just wasn’t anything all that special about me in that place, in that situation, and i found it just as stimulating (or maybe even more stimulating) than if i had been the object of their desire.

i recently read that escape fantasies are extremely common. the article explained that many people have a fantasy to give up everything and run off to a deserted island, or a foreign country, and start all over again. i think of my harem fantasy as my personal kind of escape. the fantasy is more than giving up all the stress and drama of my real life; it’s also starting anew; starting a life where i would be well taken care of, completely controlled, and maybe not all that special.


  1. um… i wanna have dreams like YOU!! how on earth do you manage to dream like that? to dream in such a vivid and kinky way? to have a dream with such a coherent plot? i have always been a lucid dreamer and for some reason that seems to cut up my dreams. experiencing them always seems more like flipping through a magazine than really having interactions with another world. aargh, i know that dreams weren’t really the point of your post, so let me go try to contain my frustration about my own shoddy dreaming and then i’ll come back and say something better.

  2. what a beautiful post! i loved the artwork interspersed, and the dream imagery was beautiful and vivid.interesting, this idea of not being special. i fantasize about being diminished, but i always want to be seen. maybe seen as nothing important, but still *seen.* if i were brought to the stable, i would like the idea of being with other girls, but ultimately i would want to be set apart from the others in some way, even the smallest way, even in a negative way. the only redhead, or the one who gets taken the most or the least often, or the one who everyone else looks out for, or the master’s favorite, or the one who always gets in trouble, or… just SOMETHING. does your fantasy of being just one of many involve a later development of being discovered as special? i mean, how many waitresses out there are really actresses waiting for their big break?

  3. lg, One wishes to be ‘special’ yet also craves the security in anonymity. Waiting to be ‘discovered’ relieves the pressure of actions to be taken on ones part. admiration,-TFP

  4. MG, lg…you are making me lazy! i don’t have to bother having a fantasy of my own!What a wonderful HOT post and i also enjoyed the visual spice to you words.Thank you for starting my Wednesday off with a smile!s/nik

  5. i think it’s all been said about the dream, so i will just add this about your post. i understand exactly what you mean about the diet fantasy, i have had that one for years. something about being so intensely focused upon, and also inspected and judged. it’s something i would hate and love at the same time, and those are my favorite d/s interactions. thanks for sharing.

  6. i was thrilled when i saw you had a post entitled “odalisque” as i have been obssessed with odalisque paintings for years. (the one i use with my profile was a gift of reassurance from the philosopher shortly before we met in person. by his request, he had no picture of me, and i was panicked that when i opened the door and he saw how lumpy i am his face would drop. he wrote back “what do you mean by lumpy? like this?” and gave a link to this painting. i was so touched i cried.)anyway. my response to odalisque paintings and photos has mainly been of a sensual nature. and since i’m bi, my response is both as if i were the one in that pose, being viewed, inviting touch, and as the viewer who wants to reach out and caress a richly beautiful ass, part those sumptuous thighs… i feel my body in those classic poses and something about them makes me feel so desirable…so that’s what i was planning on writing. and then i actually read your essay. this is a beautiful post! i never noticed before how well you write. thank you so much. as for the content… that stable image…i’m going to have a hard time getting it out of my head. it’s not so much the idea of being one of many, it’s the image of being slotted, the small space defined by rough-hewn boards, so very basic, no pretense of beauty or romance, orifices filled with place-holders that define their purpose. sort of like old-fashioned shoe trees keeping men’s leather shoes ready and in shape to receive a foot. wow.

  7. i can relate to your super dark diet fantasy. in fact, i often wonder why the percentage of obese submissives is in such stark contrast to what society, in general and at least superficially, seems to desire.p.s. let me attempt to urge you to blog more. your thoughts and feelings are well read.

  8. thank you all for your kind comments. it’s so nice this hit such a high note with readers, since i had so enjoyed writing it.persephone,you bring up a great point: there’s definitely a side of me that imagines i would be “set apart” in some way. and in direct contrast, there’s a side of my that fervently hopes that wouldn’t happen. i think it goes back to my erotic frustration thing: i love to be desired, but i love it even more when my desirability is mocked by a man with more control.(i didn’t know my dreams were that different, but thanks for the compliments;) TFP,i read your comment to suggest that perhaps in waiting to be discovered by someone else, i was dodging the responsibility of taking charge of my own dreams. i would respond that there was a time (long ago, when i was younger and dumber) that i pursued my visions of fame with a diligence that would make your head spin. those who knew me at that time thought i was “intense.” mj’s slave,glad to make your wednesday 😉 the fantasy is my pleasure to share, and i do hope you get good use of it.naughty,i found a fantasy companion! thank you. i think you absolutely sum it up, it is the intense scrutiny, inspection and judgment which is so very appealing. and for me, the loss of that autonomy. oatmeal girl,once i started searching for art to post, your photo came alive. your story about the philosopher is touching, thank you. and i’m thrilled you find my writing worth complimenting. i would return the favor and say that your metaphor of the shoe tree is one that i will keep with me for a long time. thank you.third arm,thank you so much. you make an interesting observation about overweight submissives, one that i have noted, but never taken the time to anallyze. i do *try* to write more often, but i’m afraid the life of a student can be rather limiting at times. for instance, for nearly this entire past month, i’ve been swamped with work!warm wishes to all of you. i’m flattered this post struck such an erotic nerve. *lg

  9. Mmmm… very hot and sexy.

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