Posted by: littlegirlyone | February 3, 2008

saucy and shy

i rarely, if ever, go back and read my own archives. i thought that was just out of habit, or because i might find it boring. afterall, i would rather spend my limited time catching up on what other people are writing, not re-reading what i’ve said. but i had a conversation with meg recently that inspired me to look at one of my old posts, and i was surprised at my reaction to reading it again.

the post in question is one of my more popular. i’m not sure if it was the pornilicious title, the somewhat offbeat subject matter, or the writing of the post itself. it may be that this post’s particular appeal is the convergence of all three. no matter the cause, the words in this post get me the most new readers of any words on my journal except “little girl.” if you haven’t guessed already from this post’s title, the post i refer tells the story of My First Enema, more sassily titled, anal girl.

meg recently sent this link to her owner as part of their dialogue on the subject. she confessed this to me on the phone the other day, and while i remembered writing something about enemas, and i know i get an inordinate amount of hits for that one little word, i couldn’t remember the substance of the post itself. so, i sat down to read it.

i know this is going to sound awfully prim for a girl who writes publicly about her kink, but i was so blush-pink and giggly, i could barely get through the entry. also, i was a little taken aback by my own sauciness. i mean, i so cavalierly shared that very intimate moment with anyone who cared to read, and without even a moment’s hesitation visible on the page.

i haven’t dared to look at any others since.

there really are two sides to me when it comes to talking or writing about sex or submission. one girl can recount or discuss intimate moments fearlessly and without hesitation. the other girl is shy, and needs a lot of prodding to even get the smallest dirty word out. i’m not sure what dictates who i am at any given moment, but i’ve noticed some influences that make me feel more like one or the other.

when i talk to meg, i’m mostly on the braver side. it’s funny, in our relationship, i am so outspoken, even though she’s far more experienced than i am. that makes me sound like a little know-it-all, i know, but our dynamic is more complex than that. yet i feel bold and sassy when i talk to her. i feel unapologetic about my desires. i find i express them in crystal-clear language, and without even a hint of a blush.

i feel similarly when writing about my experiences. there is almost a disconnect that happens when i sit down to recount something i’ve done. the creative, editorial side of me, clinical in her ability to choose the best adjectives and nouns; edit for redundancy; twist a phrase so it’s just right, leaves no room for face hiding. when i write, i’m not really engaged in my own retelling, or at least, i don’t think about what i’m saying too much before i say it.

however, put me in a conversation with a dominant, or with a close friend who doesn’t know or understand my sexuality, and watch me melt into a girl with a two-word vocabulary in 30 seconds or less. this is the side of me that can’t even mouth a word like “cock” without hiding her face, or breaking into fits of giggles. this girl avoids engaging in explicit conversations at all (although i notice that she also loves it when someone makes her say things despite her embarrassment in saying them.) this is the version that came back when i re-read my own account this week.

all this makes me curious: how many of you read your old posts? how do you feel when you re-read them? have any of you noticed this kind of personality split in yourself, or in another?


Responses

  1. I feel the same pull between my shy and saucy side. I even how a blog dedicated to each, but I’m so hesitant to let them cross over. I suppose I’m still too much on the shy side to let them blend. Great post! And I had fun reading your anal post too. πŸ™‚

  2. Lg,I do go back and read some of my older posts. I haven’t ever had the reaction to what I’ve written previously, that you had with this post. Although, I did go and read your anal girl post that you referred to. Which in turn, led to my latest post. I really enjoyed reading both posts.And I totally understand when you mention the personality split. Although I’m quite outgoing, outspoken and love anything naughty, when it comes to admitting out loud that I enjoy such naughty things, I change. I’m more withdrawn and shy. And it’s worse (but oh so good) when He forces me to say such things. Although I enjoy it, at the time I always find myself thinking “Please don’t make me say it” and I cringe at the thought. Some things don’t bother me in admitting them out loud, it all depends on the topic.Lucy

  3. I think it is pretty natural to be more open and free speaking when talking with a friend/confidante, like meg. And similarly when writing anonymously as you do on your blog, or other writing venues when you do not have to face the reader of the words. When you write it, it is not being seen, that only occurs after you publish. That initial writing is an exciting display of yourself, satisfying that little exhibitionism within.But when talking face to face with someone, the shy prim little girl comes forward. That is also true at times such as when you go back and read your old posts, it is a form of “being out there”, knowing you have put it in print for the world and we have all seen it, and re-reading it is akin to saying it, knowing it has been heard, and you have been revealed.David

  4. dearest little girl — well, a few things … *S*1) when i’ve gone back to read my own *stuff*, i’m usually embarrassed! *S* Sometimes i’ll read something and say, wow — did i write that? Not bad. Pretty great! But more often i see one single thing: GROWTH. Most often i view what i wrote previously as juvenile, too wordy, too exuberant, and w/ WAY too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!2) i COMPLETELY relate to what you express here re: being openly expressive (even beyond conventional “openness” or assertiveness) and yet extremely shy — that bit about being reduced to a two word vocabulary in less than 30 seconds — so funny! me, too! *S* i think it has to do w/ me being really prone to intimidation.The shy exhibitionist. That was a title for one of my blogs … likely one of the elementary ones. *S*Oh — and yes, the “anal girl” post to which you referred — i’ll have to go read it. i agree — titles stir intrigue indeed but isn’t it interesting because i have certain types of posts i love to write and i can even break them down into categories? The play by play scene stuff, the explicit blatant stuff, to me, is more documentary unless i can somehow inject what i’m FEELING … for instance, enemas have me feeling really romantic. *S*Kisses!slave2bholedwww.dungeon-love.com(PS: Forgive the above deleted comment — typos were bugging me. *S*)

  5. naughty girl,what an interesting idea! a different place for each girl, and never the twain shall meet?lucy,the idea of admitting dirty things always makes me smile. but when i’m there, in the moment, having to admit them and look someone in the eye, i get the both totally embarrassed and totally aroused. it’s confusing! i want to, but i REALLY don’t want to. it sounds like you know what i mean ;)david,what you say is very insightful. it does make sense that talking to meg, or writing alone, would be easier. and it does make sense that re-reading my own writing would remind me that it’s still there, for anyone to read. thank you for sharing your thoughts here.slave,what a glorious comment! i totally understand about the deleted comment thing, and i deleted it for you completely myself. (now, no one will know ;)it’s true that my old writing often reflects to me how far i’ve come. depending on the tone of the post, it can be more or less embarrassing for me to re-read. romantic enemas! i love it. thank you so much for commenting!i must have realized by posting about that post, and linking to it, that more people would read it. it is sort of a funny self-humiliating cycle: i write about how embarrassed i am that this post is so audacious, and in doing so, i get that same post more attention. then, i get to read how all of you went and read it, or are planning to. thanks to everyone who read and commented. i’ve been suffering some writer’s block this past month, but it helps immensely to have people reading actively. it makes me feel like someone is out there, counting on me. so thank you all for that.

  6. i do go back and read my own posts. not that often, but i do it. and thank you so much for calling me out, by the way, i keep forgetting to thank you for that. πŸ˜‰ i remember marveling at the time that you published the anal girl post. i felt like i learned a lot from and about you reading that one… you really put yourself out there as a girl who is adventurous and who knows her own body. it’s an amazing post, and i’m sorry that it embarrasses you but you do deserve recognition for it. πŸ™‚

  7. I find I am very similar to you, lg. I am able to be very frank when talking about my submission/sex on my blog, but when it comes to speaking about it "in person" especially with a Dom, I find it very difficult. I have no problem joking about sex, but it's nearly impossible to talk about my personal sex life/desires.


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