Posted by: littlegirlyone | February 12, 2008

enemania

as a side note, i would like to once again thank those of you who gave me the gift of their response to my survey. i will post on the survey soon, since the responses have been very helpful and informative. some of the most common feedback i got was that i should write more. i’m posting today to let you know i hear you, and i’ll try to be better.

i’m sure you’ve noticed that i’ve been even quieter than usual lately. there have been months where this journal saw 6-9 posts, yet january saw a mere 2, and february boasts 3 as of today. i’m quite sorry for this. the truth is, i sit in front of my laptop with a blank post open, and i feel blank. i thought that maybe it might help me to move on if i just acknowledged this emptiness, and sort of free-wrote about what has come to mind. forgive me if this post is less reasoned than usual.
also, the little mischevious girl in me can’t help but warn you (if the title didn’t tip you off already): this is another post about enemas. they seem to be the topic du jour, and who am i to ignore a trend? so don’t read further if you get grossed out by the thought. those of you brave enough, read on with glee.

when i had an active profile on alt.com, i had completely filled-out a “fetish checklist.” it’s been a long time since i looked at mine (or anyone else’s for that matter), so forgive me if i’m a bit fuzzy on the details. this was a list of BDSM activities, with boxes to indicate whether the activity was something i had experienced or not, and then whether it was something i was interested in trying again, or not. the list ran the gamut, from asphyxiation (eeek) to watersports, with spanking, masturbation, and public sex all making an appearance. i used the checklist as both food for thought (i’d not considered many of these activities before) and a yardstick for compatibility (if someone was all enthusiastic about things i didn’t want, it pretty much ruled them out).

so, i think my alt.com checklist was the first time i’d even considered an enema as a BDSM activity, rather than a medical treatment. at first, they were a big, red NO. it was sort of that way at first with the checklist: “yes, please,” or “no, thank you.” not a lot of room in the middle. not really any uncertainty at all.

fast forward a few years to me and my first enema experience; i posted about it here, and wrote about that post recently. turns out, it wasn’t nearly has much of a big, red no as i thought. in time, i found myself taking them monthly, in preparation for my meetings with john. yes, they were something i did in service to him, but also, they gave me unexpected pleasure. surprisingly, the no flipped to a yes.

then all that yes-y energy shifted back when he mentioned how he wanted to be there the next time i gave myself one. how he wanted to give me one, actually. i can still feel my stomach lurch. i protested, i questioned, i didn’t dare refuse. more than once, in his email directing me where and when to meet him, he told me to be ready for him to give me one. i wrote a fantasy version of this scene here.

he never followed through on his threat. and part of me was grateful. in fact, in hindsight, a big part of me is really happy that he didn’t get to have that “first” with me. i’m happy that i “saved” that experience for someone else, someone who might have more emotional attachment to me, someone who might acknowledge the submission that would take. because even though i seem to be rather flippant about this topic (or at least, less embarrassed by it, unless i have to read my own accounts, i guess), the reality is that receiving an enema from someone else, i have realized, is love/hate territory.

it is powerful territory.

the other part of me was always just the tiniest bit disappointed that john never followed through. i mean, i would never have asked him to directly. when he said he would make me, i felt scared, unsure, shy. i wished i’d never shared this idea at all; that i was someone, anyone else, with any other fantasy. but that small part of me wanted to do it, and more than that, wanted him to make me do it.

giving myself an enema is not something that raises the same reaction. like i said, although admitting that i sort of like them is embarrassing, actually taking one is sort of a nice thing. it’s a very nurturing sort of alternative health practice. the physical sensation of warm water running inside me, and the strange, crampy sensation that happens, and the whimpers and heavy breathing that i get . . . all of those things are strangely erotic to me.

it’s the idea of someone else being there that pushes me. someone else controlling the moment. someone else saying that i have to take more, that i have to wait a little longer. someone else watching me in that intimate, vulnerable position. someone else hearing those whimpers. that whole scene gives me the red hot shivers.

it was so easy for me to identify those items that raise a “yes, please” or a “no, thank you” response. it’s still pretty easy for me today. there are very few things on my BDSM checklist that raise this same yes-no sort of feeling: i want it; i don’t want it. i want someone to make me do it, yet i’m infinitely relieved i’ve gotten out of it. and there’s something compelling about all this ambivalence. something that makes the whole situtation feel closer to the line of non-consent, closer to the line of something i wouldn’t want to do, but could show my dedication by enduring.

like i said, it’s powerful territory for me.


Responses

  1. i can totally, totally relate. lots of things have that ambivalence pull for me. i know most people love them, but i get that way about spankings (although i’m less squeamish about them than an enema of course). i think that draw to non-consent is at the center of my D/s kink, actually. anyway, i’m glad you’re going to be posting more.

  2. Lg,I just have to smile that something you wrote so long ago has caused two others (Persephone and myself) to post about it, and now you have again. It’s great, you really hit the nail on the head with what you said in this post. The feelings you have “i want it; i don’t want it. i want someone to make me do it, yet I’m infinitely relieved I’ve gotten out of it.” are mirrored by me. I was reading your post, and particularly this part just made me wonder if you were writing about me, instead of you. (Although that’s not the case). Glad to hear you’ll be posting more. Lucy

  3. Isn’t it good to have these ‘i want it/ i dont’ want it pleasures. They keep the play fresh and stimulating. Maintain the strength of the tingle, continue to cause spasms of shear terror and delight coursing through our bodies.

  4. Enemas are powerful, almost magical in their ability to take you out of your normal world and into a whole new fantasy realm. Not surprisingly, even Dominants like (love?) receiving enemas from their pets. But for me, giving one, or watching her give herself one under my direction is a pleasure unlike any other. It could be the most submissive, most loving act I have ever been a part of. Your love/hate feelings toward enemas are what makes it all so appealing.

  5. i echo the feelings of “i want it/don’t want it” that your post reveals. The inner quarrel is the thrilling part for the Dom as well as the sub, i imagine.i have avoided writing about my own enema experiences in my public blog, i guess i’m still trying to work through exactly how i feel about them.Thanks for writing about your own struggle with them, it’s inspired me to spend some time trying to figure out how to approach it in my own writing.:)


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