Posted by: littlegirlyone | September 29, 2008

hunger

i’m not going to waste anyones time by typing excuses. i’ve had the best intentions to write here over the past four months. but i’ve been writer-blocked by having nothing to say. essentially, i’ve lacked confidence that my writing here matters to anyone but me. and in the face of the daily grind and the stress of moving (twice), planning a wedding, and starting a new job, i couldn’t justify spending hours pf precious time writing words that no one really needs to read. i’m still not sure if my little voice adds any value to kinky-blogland, or if my somewhat lacking experiences are interesting to any but a devoted handful (waves at the handful). but whether or not i’m important, whether you are reading this with glee, with mild curiosity, or with empty disdain, i cannot be silent today.

something happened this morning. it was a perfectly average commute. i was winding my silver hatchback through the golden hills of california at a speed that made me lean into the curves that sinuously snake around rolling grassy mounds. i was listening to the radio program i adore, and switching during the commercial breaks to NPR. the traffic girl from the radio program was being grilled by the two regular hosts about her upcoming date. a lunch. i say traffic girl, but the woman is 47 years old. she is recently divorced, and her love life has become a point of interest for the hosts and the listeners. apparently, she’s very attractive. in any event, the two hosts (a male-female duo) were grilling the traffic girl about her upcoming date. and that’s what triggered it.

my hunger came back.

i’ve written before about my libido’s peaks and valleys. it’s been a source of anxiety and frustration for years. i’ve blamed it on a variety of things: anxiety about my primary relationship, anxiety about my submission, protectiveness, and any number or other emotional triggers. one day, i’m hungry for all kinds of debasement, and the next, i’m so not interested. not only am i not interested, i’m practically asexual. it’s as though someone flipped my switch off. i just don’t care anymore about anything sexual. in fact, i find it hard to even get aroused when i’m in funks like these (even when i orgasm). it’s like my physical body responds, but my mind is completely unaffected. i can have sex and not care at all whether i orgasm or not. i have no sexual frustration, longing, appetite, thoughts, or fantasies. i don’t masturbate or otherwise touch myself except for the most mundane cleaning and maintenence.

the longest one of these valleys has lasted is over a year. the shortest, a few days. all i know is that i go from totally uninterested to squirming in my panties in an instant. and that’s what happened this morning while i was driving to work.

suddenly, i was tingling with desire. all of a sudden, i pressed myself down into the seat, grinding my hips in slow, mini-circles. it felt fantastic, like a big stretch and yawn after sitting still for hours. i felt the warmth of longing spreading from the juncture of my legs, up through my torso, into my breasts and peaking at my nipples; up my neck, bringing shivers like a lover’s bite. out of the blue, i needed to write here. i needed to talk about it.

and so, once i’d arrived at the office and completed my morning duties, i did.

P.S. i went to the folsom street fair yesterday, and i want to write about that, too. but, if i’m going to try to write here and maintain my work and my sanity, i will have to start using my time judiciously. i can’t really spend hours writing right now, but if i tell you that i went, and leave it at that, you won’t let me get away without talking about it, will you? (don’t get too excited, i went as a mere spectator.)


Responses

  1. welcome back. obviously in more than one day. Like many others I keep checking back every few days and its good to see you and your libido back. keep it up, even if its only a few lines now and then.

  2. Mmm . . . I liked the image of you squirming in the car. What a nice way to make the commute fly by, lol.Glad to see you back.XO

  3. It is great to see you back. Perhaps your visit to the Folsom Street fair was just as a spectator, but I am betting it caused little stirrings in you just as the traffic girls teasing did. I will look forward to hearing more about that soon.It is good to see you writing again. Set yourself a little goal of a paragraph or two every other day, nothing big or important is necessary, just simple little insights. Don’t make it an overwhelming importance.Welcome hone little girl, you have been missed and your readers are happy to see you.

  4. so thrilled that you are back. you know that i pine and pine away whenever you are gone.i just miss your easy, smooth writing style. you address us, your audience, so effortlessly. that’s what makes us all such undying fans.love ya, sorl. 🙂

  5. I have a few of your posts permanently bookmarked for rereading. Yes, your writing matters. Does it really matter whether it’s thousands or hundreds or ten who care? Maybe the writing is similar to your libido, the desires are tied together? I’m glad to read you once in a while or every day, so don’t apologize or explain – just write when you get the urge.

  6. Write for yourself. Write the things you find compelling, for the reasons that make them compelling to you. Do not write to satisfy someone else. It will make your writing will be less authentic and therefore less compelling.And the audience you sought to satisfy will sense that.If you write authentically, an audience that appreciates the self-same things that drive you to writing will find itself.Be you.

  7. I’m glad you are back. I love to read your posts and missed seeing a new one for awhile. Reading your words sometimes is like seeing my thoughts put down in print. I love your honesty and simple, straight-forward style. Keep up the good work and try not to stress out about the small things too much.

  8. silly little girl! i check persephone’s blog every day, just in case she’s put another one up (shoosh, i know it’s every second day, but i love it).. and i always check your blog too! so glad you’re back, and those tingles are starting in your body and mind again. yay!genwink (from australia)

  9. Well, I for one missed you. And obviously other readers did, too, because lots of them were coming to my blog from yours, which means people were checking yours every single day for something new.I rarely have dry spells as far as sexual desire goes. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I did. on the other hand, I had a writer’s block that lasted over 40 years.The man who has taken possession of my creative soul expects me to produce for him. Combine that with this ridiculous feeling that my readers expect me to produce for THEM, and I’ve just been writing and writing. And that seems to have made my writing better, even when I haven’t necessarily had anything to say. It makes me think of some friends with a band who for quite a while were essentially playing bar gigs. Not much money, not much of an audience, but after a while they were really good and really tight.So welcome back, and please believe that a lot more people than those writing ehre did miss you.


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