Posted by: littlegirlyone | November 4, 2008

running

my ability to slip in and out of submissive desire is now well documented. it really is like someone flips a switch on and off: one day i’m so worked up i can hardly think kink-free, the next, i’m perfectly chaste, and content not to venture into the darker realm.

i’ve always hypothesized that this swing in my desire stemmed from a sort of protective mechanism. like, when things get too intense, i run away. something like that. but i’m wondering if there isn’t another explanation.

you see, i am greatly frustrated by my own inexperience. i want to do so many things, and i pretty much take it as a given that i never will. (i know, so cheery and optimistic of me.) i have a hard time not feeling stuck in a sort of box i constructed with my own expectations and beliefs. i want to believe that i will find the right person that will fit into my situation, that will take care of all these crazy needs that i have, that will abuse me the way i crave. but i also don’t really know if it will ever happen, or how, or even where to look for him.

so i wonder if my sexual mood swing is somehow related to my feelings of frustration with this process? the more i let myself read and fantasize about bdsm, the more apparent it becomes that i: (1) don’t have that in my life; (2) haven’t experienced enough of it to feel satisfied; and (3) probably never will. i want to be optimistic, but i have a long history of looking for dominants, and only one or two notable successes (and that’s counting john, who was a success in some ways but not others).

all this leads me to feel rather hopeless. it’s like i stare at a buffet of amazing food, and i can never get in there and have any. eventually, i just get frustrated and don’t want to look anymore. i turn my back on the window and i don’t turn around until it becomes absolutely unbearable. and then i have to stand there, silently pining for something i can’t get.

i don’t write this post as a pity party. i just need to get this out.

i have tried craigslist and alt.com and collarme. i haven’t really been too impressed (although i met john on alt, i hate how you can’t really use their system without paying for it.) and craigslist makes me feel like too much of a freak. i read the “dominant” posts on there and sometimes i feel like it’s people’s first time thinking about bdsm. posts that say things like “i want to spank you and pull your hair, but not do any sick bdsm stuff” just make me feel like a wizened old hag. i mean, i want someone to spank me and pull my hair, but mark does that pretty frequently (not as much as i’d like, but frequently enough) and that isn’t all i want. i obviously need some sick bdsm stuff.

all this makes me wonder if what i’m really running from is my own frustration. once i get to a point where the pessimism outweighs the optimism, where the desire to do is greater than my boundaries allow, where i really start to feel like a piece of me is being denied. at those points, i run away. this isn’t a complete analysis, but it’s an angle i hadn’t previously considered.


Responses

  1. isn’t that what submissive is all about. letting go, or if you want running away from …..?have a wonderful dayJ

  2. I think this analysis makes a lot of sense. Both things could be true, right? Running away when it’s too much or so very, very not enough. I identify with the latter more strongly, myself. You’ve had more direct experience than me, but I think a lot of our daydreams overlap. There’s so much tempting and exciting possibility, and yet it always seems out of reach…

  3. It’s a bit odd to be advising a submissive how to be proactive in trying to attract someone to give her what she needs… but here’s what worked for me.craigslist: take control of seeking someone to take control of you. YOU place the ad. Define your terms. Don’t answer anyone unless you want to. There are so few female ads, let alone GOOD ones, and if you bait your hook right you just might catch something yummy. (That’s how I got the philosopher, not to mention dominick, with whom I still correspond and flirt, albeit as friends only.)The fiend found, pursued, and caught me on FetLife. People find me there through my comments and the stories and poems I’ve posted to the BDSM writers’ group. Or do a search on people in your area and send sweet submissive posts to the promising neighbors…Good luck.

  4. Some times it’s best take your foot off the brake and push the accelerator down.


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