Posted by: littlegirlyone | October 13, 2009

opening the box

There, in the corner, under the floorboard. Or in the closet, tucked in the back behind the summer clothes. You see it, don’t you? My little black box. The box is shiny, patent leather. The lock is silver, strong, unbreakable. There’s only one way into the box, and that’s with the key that I’ve swallowed. I hold the key in my gut. I can get it out, like magic, but I have to be willing.

I’ve seen a lot of submissive women say it. I’ve said it myself. It’s the kind of statement that we seem to all rally behind, the kind of statement that gets comments full of understanding, and “me too.” I don’t want to have to ask him to___, I just want him to know, and do it. Black box, locked up tight and tucked under the bed with the dust bunnies. Safe.

It’s erotic to think that a dom, or any partner, could be so perceptive, so intuitive, so in tune with me, that I wouldn’t have to ask. All my scariest fantasies would come true without having to do more than sigh yes. It’s sort of the kinky version of prince charming, isn’t it? The dom that just knows what we want, and gives it to us. This isn’t to say that there aren’t some highly perceptive, intuitive doms out there. I am blessed to know some. But, the question isn’t really can he, but should he?

I’ve been tossing about the idea of what it means for me to ask for what I want, to talk about the contents of my patent leather crate. And I realized that the idea of it is humiliating, embarrassing. It’s an exhibitionist’s act. Asking for what I want requires me to release the key, open up that shiny box, and toss something out for a reaction. And doing that makes me vulnerable, scared.

Because I’ve never been very good at talking about what I want, I’ve been a terrible coffee date to most of the dominants I’ve met. I’ve been adorable, beguiling, blushing, and I’ve been much too shy to talk in any detail about my fantasies. Now, nearly all of the men I’ve met for coffee got in touch with me through some kinky website that had some kind of fetish list–a fetish list which I dutifully filled out in the privacy of my own room, with frequent masturbation breaks. Surely every dominant already knows that I’m an ass girl, that I have a “daddy” trigger, that I’m a little bit of a masochist? And I’m a submissive, which probably means that some of my fantasies are archetypal. But does his already knowing any of that relieve me from having to talk about it, to ask for it, to describe it in painful, humiliating detail? Does any of that make it right for me to keep my box locked tight?

It is axiomatic that there can be no D/s power exchange without both the dominant and the submissive’s consent. The dominant agrees to take her power, and the submissive agrees to yield it. Should she refuse to yield, what does he have? He is a king without subjects. In this way, the submissive controls her own journey. He cannot take what she will not give (assuming there is nothing abusive about their relationship). I’ve experienced this myself. I’ve had dominant men send me instructions: wear this, do that. And, unless these instructions were something I wanted, something I’d agreed to, I laughed and ignored them. There is no magic in a dominant’s orders if the submissive refuses to do it. (Lest you start to feel bad for the doms out there, let me point out that there can’t really be any submission without the dominant’s agreement to take the reigns. I’ve tried submitting to a man that didn’t have any idea what I was doing, and it worked out just as poorly).

These thoughts were inspired by a gentleman I recently met for a drink. He asserted that by refusing to tell him about my fantasies, I was holding onto my control. I was actually a little miffed at the suggestion.

But, when he talked about how he wouldn’t do anything until I asked him to, until I confessed in detail my rich yearning for embarrassment and humiliation; face-fucking and ass play; spanking and slapping and hair pulling and condescension, I practically melted the seat. I’ve always liked the idea of interrogation, confession, being forced to say what it is I want, but isn’t there also some thrill to the idea that I might ask for these things on my own, from a place of pure need?

I imagine having to form the words: ball gag, butt plug. I imagine coughing up the key, turning the lock. The squeak of the hinge, unused to being twisted. The humility of asking, of opening, of pouring the contents of the box on the floor. Choose what you like, sir.

I have requested my own degradation.

It makes me throb.


Responses

  1. your writing makes me so happy. :)we talked about this already, but i'm going to put it out here too for the point of discussion: i think it's *dominant* to expect someone to read your mind and do all the work– guessing what will turn you on, taking the risk of trying it and seeing whether it does or not, absorbing whatever feelings come with that result. also i believe that it's very parent-child oriented. only infants can expect that their parent will read their mind. everybody else has to communicate. and why should the dom have to be the parent all the time? why can't the dom relax and have someone serve him now and then, have someone anticipate HIS needs, have someone else do all the emotional risk-taking? in my few years of exploration i've come to think of submissive fantasies as a little bit selfish– and that's ok, but i try to make sure i think carefully about not giving him the full burden all the time.

  2. Wow. Yeah. Only very recently have I felt able to ask Murre for particular things, and part of me feels pushy and selfish when I do that, but in fact it's more controlling not to say what I want.

  3. I don't think it's dominant to not want to ask. If i gather what you're saying here, instead of asking, you want to be made to do it. I think that has been largely my experience. The girls i've Topped would always choose to be coerced into pleasing me rather than me simply fulfilling their grocery list of fantasies. In absence of the coercion, you spend more time fantasizing about that (for you, ever-growing) list of groceries.

  4. You commented recently on one of my posts that you "have total kindnapping stalker fantasies." I think that it would serve you well in a situation with a dominant man meeting for drinks, and more? That this man said he would not do anything "until you confessed in detail" was an approach to exploit your embarrassment and humiliation, which is separate from any physical interaction with you. Perhaps he was more interested in playing with your embarrassment, than your body? (silly man)megs suggestion that the submissive ought to cough up the key, unlock the box and spill out the offerings is an interesting contrast to Deity's propensity/history for coercion. Both approaches work depending on the people. What do you want little girl?I think sitting across drinks with a dominant man is likely to require only that you cough up the key, or make the existence/availability of the key known. I would bet that a lot of interplay results from exploratory interaction, than from a submissive sitting down and providing an outline of do's and don'ts. Most anything a dominant man is likely to do as introductory activities will appeal to the submissive most of the time, and the rest will be resulting from "how does it feel when I do this" or he will feed off of your responses intuitively.

  5. first of all, thanks guys for the awesome comments this week. i really, really appreciate it so much!meg, i am so glad you like my writing. that makes me very happy! i totally get what you're saying about the infantile need to have your mind read. i definitely see how it is controlling. as you observed, it creates a dynamic where one partner is constantly trying things out, and seeing how they work. that dynamic can be sexy, and totally work, but i also see what you're saying about the dom being able to relax and have their needs met, too. i remember that morgan and andrew had that rule about you being transparent, so i wonder if that has any effect on how you view this?orlando,welcome! as i already gushed, i'm so pleased you're here. deity,i agree that the desire to not want to ask is not *dominant,* and that the coercion part of the process is very stimulating for me. the feeling that i can't talk about my fantasies comes from a place of humiliation/embarrassment, for me, not a place of feeling powerful. but by refusing to talk at all, i *am* exercising a certain amount of control. i like having things pulled out of me, so to speak, just as much as i like the synchronicity of when someone's fantasy and one of mine match up so deliciously. i didn't mean to imply that my newest fantasy is to hand over a list of my wants, and have them done. far from it. it's more like having to open my mouth and be humiliated by the dirty thoughts that come out, even if it is like pulling teeth to get the words out. david,you hit the nail on the head about this particular man's interests. he's a psychologist, so it makes sense that he would be interested in playing with my head (but i don't think it was at the expense of my body, just the first step)as for what i want, i don't know. that's the frustrating beauty of being a submissive with a big bank of fantasies, and a small stack of experiences. i haven't had enough of either way to know. i don't see them as mutually exclusive, though. and i hardly see it as the submissive getting all her fantasies taken care of just because she humiliated herself enough to share them. on the contrary, like orgasm denial, it is stimulating to think of having to talk in so much detail about something i want, even beg for it, and have the dominant say, "thanks for sharing, but not today."

  6. What do you want was really meant as a rhetorical question, around having to choice between coughing it up or being coerced.But I understand fully the allure of being enticed or forced to name the beast, to have to describe him, and then being told, umm, not today.I have often been told how embarrassing it is, blushingly and nervously, to have to talk about these things, and how much it adds.

  7. Gosh, I can see both sides. But if I confess my wants, then how can they be properly forced upon me? I'd have to say, "I want to be forced to do things I don't want, and here, let me list for you some examples of things I don't want."

  8. Um…this is question between ‘whether to ask or simply wait for him to guess.” This seems to me a very vanilla concept. Lord knows the hordes of men and women out there in the vanilla world waiting for lovers to guess desires or wondering if they should ask for such fantasy.I know, with my ex-wife I was one of those people. I having been teaching my girl an alternative, one that is win/win and no doubt I’ll be blogging about it soon. It is in essence how I see D/s; it is its wonder.Don’t ask…BEG!I don’t see submission as passive nor dominance as a power absolute. I see both begging and commanding as highly effective means of getting what you want while at the same time raising another person in esteem (or putting them in that ‘below’ place they wish to be). Asking puts the man on the spot. Begging makes him feel like a man. Begging also makes you feel vulnerable and soft (how I assume you wish to be). If you enjoy degradation and humiliation, then begging to tell a man what a filthy little slut you are and wish to be for him surely fits the kink. Yes, you will be challenging him, and it is possible he may say, “Uh…I don’t know…” But if a dominant doesn’t wish challenge why take such a challenging lover like a submissive in the first place. It sounds to me as though whomever you wish understand these fantasies, most likely he will rise to your occasion. But first you must debase yourself and raise him as high as you wish him to stand above you. Try begging, it’s hard for a man not to be both empowered and melted by humility, adoration, and worship. Most likely he will get hard for you and you in turn will be wet, wet, wet AND, you just might get what you want.Win/WinI’ll write about it and put it up over the next couple of weeks.


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