Posted by: littlegirlyone | December 13, 2009

Dark and Twisty

It’s been difficult for me to imagine the transition from Project Orgasm back to regular, unstructured blogging. Many of my participants expressed their gratitude for being given an assignment, and I shared it. Once I’d made a list of the types of orgasms I’ve experienced, all I had to do was write, once a week. I even developed a format that helped me to break through the times when I’d stare, blankly, at the little white screen without a lascivious thought in my head.

In the meantime, I’ve actually been writing a great deal. I’ve compiled a lengthy, password-protected  document full of thoughts, memories, experiences, analysis and other bloggable matter. All I have to do is dip in there, copy and paste, and I have plenty to share with you through the end of this year. It’s just that I feel hesitant to change the focus from the spirited, sexy, fun-loving topic of orgasms to the dark, twisty, emotional stuff I’ve been writing in the meantime.

I have pages worth of an attempt to reconcile feminism with submission, and more pages still about my most recent physical encounter with an old flame. I suppose, for those of you that want to fuck my brain (metaphorically speaking, of course), my struggle to find harmony between female equality and female submission would be sexy. For the rest of you, it may be grist for the intellectual mill, or maybe (I fear, and hope not) boring and whiny. And I have (for once) a rather lengthy and tumultuous retelling of my 26 hours with Alan, both what we did, and how it made me feel at the time, and afterwards. Some of that is close to the erotic, stage-y smut I wish I wrote more often. And some of that is my own rumination on what it means for me to be a submissive woman, what my experience of being used brings out.

But I feel like I need a bridge from the sexy, uncomplicated topic of coming*, to the deep, emotional realm I’m headed towards. So I’d like to share one final experience: a dark and twisty, emotional orgasm.

After spending the morning in airports and planes, I couldn’t wait for a shower. I’ve written before about the massaging showerhead in my current apartment, and how I’ve rediscovered the joys of getting myself off with it. In my initial piece, I claimed that I couldn’t orgasm standing up, and thus, I’d developed (some years ago) a technique of splaying myself open under the blasting water, laying flat in the tub, with the water rising. While sexy and effective, this technique has its drawbacks, not the least of which is that I have to clean the tub before I can get off.

So one day, a few months back, I decided to challenge myself, and see if I could, in fact, achieve an orgasm with the massaging showerhead while standing up. It turned out, I could. In fact, I realized quickly that this was so easy, so fun, and so erotic, that I could add 5-10 orgasms into my morning routine by extending my shower a mere 5 minutes or so. And I did, many mornings, take advantage of my discovery.

I have a specific fantasy that seems to work to get me off standing up in the shower. I suppose I didn’t really delve into this in my other pieces on orgasms, but I actually have a go-to fantasy for most of the ways I get off. Maybe that’s another series idea? Anyway, the fantasy that worked (and that has become my standing-up standby) is the idea of being tied open, with a water jet aimed at my clit, by a sexy, sadistic dominant.

I could, and probably should, write a whole other piece on this bit that I’m about to tell you: when I’m alone in the apartment and I get myself off, I always talk to myself as the dominant. Sort of like Orlando’s autosadomasochism. Anyway, the shower is no exception, and what I do is tell myself that I’m not getting untied from this particular device, and that my body is just going to keep coming and coming and coming, regardless of what I want. Then, I do. I come and I come, and after a few, I start begging, out loud. One word, usually. Please. I mean, of course, please fuck me and I also mean please let me down. And I usually get off pretty hard just hearing the pitiful sound of my own pleading over the roar of the water, and imagining the sadistic chuckle of the dominant at my cute but useless cries. It has always worked.

But on this day most recently, it didn’t work. Something about the usual scenario wasn’t fitting with the bleak, angry emotional state I was in. What I wanted, what I was thinking about, was a hate fuck. I didn’t want to beg this imaginary dominant to fuck me, I didn’t want to beg to be let down. I wanted to hate. I wanted to cry.

So I did. Instead of begging please, I whispered, later screamed, I hate you. Instead of my usual handsome dominant, I pictured a mean human being that I could channel my angry, venomous blackness at without remorse. And as I chanted I hate you, I came. And while I came, I cried. I felt hot, salty tears well up and spill over, and my body came again, and I said it again: I hate you. Soon, I was lost in a cycle of coming and imagining, crying and shivering, screaming my hate, and stiffening my legs. I went all the way to the very darkest place I could go. And it felt powerful, scary, and sexy all at the same time.

Five minutes and 7 orgasms later, I turned off the water. As abruptly as I’d started this hate fuck, I stopped it. I stood for a moment, dripping, panting. Then, I grabbed a bright blue towel, and dried myself. It was a mixture of water, tears, and come.

*Yes, I rethought my position on spelling it “cum.” I’m just trying it out this way, along with proper capitalization. Feel free to let me know what you think.


  1. Wow. That's very intense, and beautifully described, and I am always pleased to see "come" instead of "cum"…

  2. i don't like "come" instead of "cum." but i do like you all dark and twisty. 🙂 and i can't wait for all that you have ahead for us.

  3. I thoroughly enjoyed you idea of the hate cum. I've had a few of those myself.As for the Cum vs. Come, it's a matter of context from me. It depends on the mood and the moment. I have to go check out the rest of your posts now.

  4. I'm less inclined to weigh in on "cum vs. come" or your choice of proper capitalization because i'm much more intrigued about the reasons for these choices than i am in my opinion of them.

  5. Well lg, the shower is a nice bridge. It seems like you are cleansing yourself, washing away the dirty, naughty sexual topics to transition to other emotional and personal issues, e.g. how you reconcile feminism with submission. I am not sure the two are compatible, but I would be glad to delve deeper with you. And I suspect that, despite your desire to delve into deeper personal topics, the erotic will continue to bubble up!Jake

  6. I don't mind the capitalization. I personally like 'cum' versus 'come' and I'm not entirely sure why.More importantly : This orgasm you shared is very intense. I kind of like the rough, ANGRY sex every now & again. I guess it's my inner masochist showing. I also think you should share more of this side with us :]

  7. Hi there! New to your blog – Orlando sent me.Wow, I love this – incredibly dark, and I'm terribly familiar with some of these places from both sides of the D/s coin.Thanks for sharing this with us. Also, I'm looking forward to your musings on feminism versus submission, as I've been hammering on that very topic for some time.

  8. first, i have to point out that this might be the largest pool of male commenters i've ever amassed. i can't help but wonder why that is.thanks for the feedback on come v. cum. i can't seem to make up my mind, so perhaps, i'll just do as jerk suggests and use where appropriate. (welcome jerk, by the way, and yes, enjoy the archives)deity, the reason for the upgrade in capitals (apparently, not in my comments) is to make my little writing more palatable for certain online sex magazines that i hope one day will notice me 🙂 jake, i sure hope that submission and feminism *are* compatible because i identify as both 🙂 though not without some critical thinking.nebbish, i never identified myself as much of a masochist, but i'm learning… slowly.deardelilah, thanks so much for coming over here. i just discovered you through orlando as well, so welcome.

  9. I'm thoroughly relieved that you've decided to start capitalizing. ❤ And I like "come" rather than "cum".

  10. I like capitalization, I like “cum”, and I especially like the 7 orgasms in the shower. Good girl!

  11. […] in December I wrote about the first time that I cried while I came. Not after. During. What I didn’t mention (because […]

  12. Standing up and having an orgasm is a lot of fun. I’m glad you can do it now!

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