Posted by: littlegirlyone | March 2, 2010

ask the little girl: anorgasmia

My Dearest Readers,

I’ve been terribly busy with my other project, but “his bar bitch” is nearing its end. I know it’s been a bit slow around here, and i apologize. To make up for it, there will be lots of fun stuff coming your way this month! I have a huge secret to share, and a new project to unveil. There will be nothing but lovely, sexy, good times, coming soon.

In the past month, I’ve had a bunch of readers ask me for advice. I’m not sure how many of you remember when I tried to start an advice feature before. But, since Potenta left her questions in a comment on one of my Project Orgasm posts, I figured she wouldn’t mind if I answered her question publicly. I’ve pasted the text of her comment below.

Dear little girl,

My poor husband doesn’t know to try any more…:(

I’m a 41 year old woman and although I enjoy having sex with my husband, I’m disappointed in the fact that I’ve NEVER had an orgasm. I hear that for many women it just comes naturally, but sadly it isn’t my case. Although I know many women have the same problem, and my comment is of no surprise to anyone, I want to do my best and find a solution.

I’ve been thinking that maybe my husband isn’t as tender and loving as he should be, but curiosity has never pushed me so far as to cheat on him with another man. Should I? Could change be a solution? I’ve tried all sorts of pills and aphrodisiacs, but nothing has worked so far…

If you have any advice, please respond.

Thank you!


Hi Potenta,

Thanks for writing, and welcome to my little blog. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve decided to respond to you in this way. I did try to find an email for you, but was unsuccessful. Your profile lead me to a website in (i think) Italian, and I couldn’t tell if you were an advertiser trying to be sneaky, or a genuine woman with a problem. Regardless, I thought your question raised a concern that many women share, so I went ahead and answered it sincerely.

I can only imagine that the situation you describe with your husband would be frustrating.

Orgasm does come easily to some women, but you are not by any means alone. I recommend that you check out the work of Betty Dodson (she’s a sexologist and educator that has spent years working on female anorgasmia). One of her big pieces of advice for women that have a hard time climaxing is that they need to masturbate a LOT more and longer. Let me attempt to explain why.

Dodson believes that women who have a hard time orgasming did not masturbate enough as children. Her theory is that the exploratory masturbation we do as little girls desensitizes the clitoris. I know that sounds like a bad thing, to have a desensitized clitoris. But to reach an orgasm, many women (myself included) need to have lengthy and somewhat rough clitoral stimulation. If your clitoris is too sensitive, you will not be able to continue to stimulate it for long enough to reach an orgasm.

Therefore, Dodson advises (and I agree) that you spend some quality time masturbating yourself. Start with your hand or a pillow. Just try things that feel good. And do it a lot. As your clitoris becomes used to being touched, move on to a vibrator. I just recently purchased a Hitachi Magic Wand, and it’s amazing. Even if you’re still not climaxing, just make sure to play with your clit a lot in whatever way you enjoy. And don’t stop if it starts to feel really good. Eventually, your clitoris will get less sensitive, and you will be able to push through to orgasm.

I don’t think that you should cheat on your husband. It’s unlikely that any man is going to be able to make you orgasm if you can’t come when you’re alone. Start masturbating, Potenta. Once you can make yourself come, you can show your husband what you do. Hopefully he will be excited to be able to satisfy you, and pay close attention.

Good luck,

little girl


  1. Betty Dodson's theory is interesting; I never really thought of that. I've never had trouble orgasming (besides with a damn pillow. That's another thing all together), but I also spent a good amount of time masturbating when I was younger. Of course, the link you posted is blocked for "adult content" at school. I'll just have to check it out over break.Can't wait to here about your secret and your new project!!=]

  2. This same woman wrote the exact same thing in the comments section of this post:, we gave her practically the identical advise.Brilliant/kinky minds think alike?-B

  3. the theory, i think, could certainly apply to me. it never occurred to me to masturbate and when i started doing it i started getting over-stimulated easily. of course, my cumming started at the same time that i started actually pursuing my submission fantasies and thinking about them when i masturbated. i always attributed that to the reason, but i think the combination actually makes a lot more sense.

  4. Oh, can't wait to find out what the secrets.And for the woman having trouble having an orgasm, the advice you got from little girl was right on. Masturbating is a good place to start.But here's another suggeston. Have you talked about this with your doctor to see if your doctor can check your hormone levels to see if you have a physical problem. Don't be shy about talking about your doctor about this or visit a sex therapist.Also, do you drink much? Too much alcohol can be a problem for a woman trying to orgasm.And I wouldn't suggest cheating on your husband, which is likely to cause another set of problems. But you might suggest that he give you more foreplay, particularly playing with your breasts and doing down on you. And also whatever you start doing, just try to relax and not think about getting an orgasm. Just enjoy the sensation of mastburing and/or more more foreplay. If you think about whether you're going to orgasm, you just put more pressure on yourself.And hope you don't mind getting advice from a guy on the subject.FD

  5. A topic close to my heart. I'm yet to orgasm too, but I think I may be a harder nut to crack than Potenta. I masturbated frequently as a child, but the result now is that I'm so desensitised that my clit is virtually non-responsive. I still masturbate (with vibrators and penetration), and I'm trying to do it with greater frequency, but nothing seems to work.I've had an acupuncturist recommended to me , so I think I'll have to book a session with her. It appears that sexual dysfunction/lack of response is a common ailment treated with acupuncture, so we'll have to see if that makes a difference. Aside from that, everyone has offered salient advice, and I can only offer Potenta luck with her orgasmic future.

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