Posted by: littlegirlyone | April 1, 2010

ask the little girl: meeting your match

I received two questions on my tumblr about how to find a dominant partner. The first was from someone looking for a mostly-vanilla boyfriend who could be dominant in the bedroom. The second was more general, looking for advice on meeting people “in the lifestyle.”

I wanted to give a complete answer, so I asked Meg to weigh in. She successfully found Luke, her dominant, kinky (don’t call him vanilla) boyfriend through the seemingly straightlaced eharmony.com. She has kindly written about her experience and technique here. And if, like my tumblr questioner, you’re interested in the full-time relationship kind of partner, I’d also recommend reading Laani’s account of how she met her boyfriend, M.

The overarching advice from both of them is to look for someone open-minded and sexual that you click with outside the bedroom. And that makes sense to me. Because if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, it’s very important that you’re compatible outside the bedroom. (I’m a little biased, of course, because my husband isn’t really into D/s, and we’ve been together for 10 years.)

While I don’t have experience seeking a dominant primary relationship partner, I do have lots of experience finding casual, play or secondary relationship partners.

In the beginning, I had good luck placing personal ads on craigslist. They’ve ranged from lengthy to less than 100 words, but I usually had to be pretty explicit that I wanted men to play Daddy/little girl, or men that identified as dominant. Even with that specificity, I always got dozens of responses that didn’t indicate an interest in either. Still, I’ve had lots of fun with craigslist. It’s easy to place an ad, and I always received many more responses than I knew what to do with. It was always nice to feel so desired.

The number of responses could also be a downfall, though. I have literally spent hours of my life wading through the massive number of emails to find a handful of men that wrote intelligently, were in my specified age range, and within a reasonable distance. And sometimes, once the list was short, and the emails started flowing, I would find out some additional information that would derail the whole process, and force me to start again. That was always frustrating. In sum: craigslist is a good way to cast a wide net in your area, but with the wide net comes a lot of extra work. Even if your ad is specific about seeking a dominant partner, you’re likely to have to wade through a number of responses to find the ones that fit.

I also tried alt.com. I think I had a profile on there for 2 years before I actually met someone I clicked with (John). There were things I liked about alt. One great thing was how the kinky stuff was right there in the open. Most people had filled out fetish checklists (which are exactly what they sound like–checklists of kinky stuff where people can either check into, not into, or curious.) The fetish checklist definitely saved me time. When someone would send me a message, I’d check his list over and see what he wanted to do, and how it aligned with what I wanted. (For example, if he wasn’t even curious about ageplay, I didn’t bother.) Another great thing about alt is that you can use their in-system chat to have those initial conversations without having to give someone you don’t know your email or IM name. I always appreciated that.

There were a lot of drawbacks to alt, too. I always felt disadvantaged by the fact that I didn’t pay. (If you don’t mind paying for a personals site, this might not be a problem for you.) And, I don’t know how to put this nicely, but there always seemed to be a large number of unattractive, scary, or downright weird people on alt. I think Deity had some trouble with someone he met there. And, let’s just say part of me isn’t surprised that the craigslist killer had an alt account. I’m being a little overdramatic, of course. Not everyone was weird or ugly. I met John (a handsome, normal professional) on alt, and I was on there, too (a lovely young grad student by all accounts). I think Meg met her Owners on alt (they were also attractive and normal). Altogether, I wouldn’t rule it out, but I wouldn’t use it as your sole means for meeting D/s play partners.

I have a Fetlife profile, but I’ve yet to meet anyone off that site. I can’t really recommend it either way. I’ve also had CollarMe, but I hated their platform. Every time I signed on to check my messages, I showed up in their “online now” section, and was inundated with IM requests. Yuck. Missy and B wrote this piece about their experiences on these sites that goes into far greater detail.

I’ve met the most interesting dominants (and kinky people generally) because of my blog and my tumblr. Granted, creating and maintaining either of these is a lot more work than writing a personal ad or filling out an online profile. But I think the quality of the people I’ve met since I started putting my writing out there on the internet has vastly improved.

In part I’d guess that this is precisely because having my blog shows that I’m willing to make an effort, that I take bdsm “seriously,” or as seriously as anyone should take sex. My blog shows dedication, and makes it seem less likely that I’m a flake, poser, or a girl who’s going to string a guy along, and then not show up for coffee. My blog also shows the real me in a way that craigslist or an online profile can never really show.

Of course, the major drawback is that when I meet people through my blog, I lose my anonymity. Suddenly there are people that have seen both my face and what’s inside my twisted pervy heart. That can be, and has been, intimidating. It’s definitely something to think about. If you are going to start a blog particularly for the purpose of meeting dominant partners, you should keep your goal at the forefront. Write about sexy stuff, the things that turn you on, but don’t get as personal as you might if you were going to stay anonymous.

At some point, you’re going to want to meet this person. It might be after exchanging a few emails, or it might be after months of conversation. I’ve done both, and both have their benefits. Meeting someone right away (or as soon as you’ve established they are, on paper, what you’re looking for) can save you time. If you want a realtime play partner, you’re going to want to be attracted to them. Chemistry is elusive and unpredictable. Meeting sooner rather than later will let you assess what the chances are of you actually wanting to get naked together. Also, the less you have invested, the easier it’s going to be to say “no, thank you,” if it turns out that you don’t click. That’s always awkward, but if you’ve only been talking for a little while, it will be less so.

Meeting after you’ve grown to know and care about someone can be even more nerve-wracking because you’ll be invested in it working out. On the flip side, you’ll also be more comfortable because you have a relationship and level of trust. It’s going to be harder to walk away, but unless you’re really, really not the least bit attracted, you’ll probably be a little more forgiving. You might try a little harder to see what you like if you care about them.

And, no conversation about meeting online friends would be complete without some safety advice. Always choose a public place that you’re both comfortable getting to and leaving from. I usually suggest a coffeeshop, not a bar, because I’m a lightweight, and alcohol makes me frisky and impairs my judgment. If you don’t feel those effects from one beer, you might be fine. Just make sure you stop at one beer…

Also, it’s a good idea to let someone know where you’re going. You don’t have to tell then you’re meeting a dominant guy from an online bdsm personals site. Just tell them you have a coffee date with someone you met online. Give your safety person the time and place you’re meeting, along with the dominant’s real name. Tell your safety person you’ll call when you arrive, and again when you leave. This way, if you don’t call, someone knows where you went, and who you were meeting. This isn’t only advice for meeting dominant men, by the way. It’s really the best practice to use whenever you’ll be meeting someone you don’t really know.

Meeting your match can be a challenge. Believe me, there were whole years of my life where I despaired that I’d never meet the right dominant for me.  I am empathetic to how frustrating the search can be, but don’t give up. Because now that I’m someone’s little girl, I can definitely say that it was worth the effort.


Responses

  1. I’ve used CollarMe and it was terrible. I met a couple seemingly interesting people, but they turned out to be complete scumbags. I’m not saying you can’t meet someone worthwhile, but I think it’s incredibly rare.

    I’ve also got a FetLife profile and I love Fet! All the message boards. I mean, you can literally find anything. Sometimes, when I’m really bored, I just skim through the groups and read up on interesting topics.
    I’ve also met a bunch of really awesome people.

  2. I think you’ve given excellent advice: find a compatible person who is VERY interested sexuality/sensuality (and not just ‘sex;’ all guys are interested in sex). You have to find a guy (or girl) who finds the psychology of kink enticing and exciting.

    I think that unless it’s simply all about the sex (rare for the female searcher) you have to find a person who is a bit of an intimacy junkie, someone who has always had desires to get closer to another than most. If you seek a Dom, surely this guy has to have a teaching kink; he must have strong desires to guide.

    The biggest problem with introducing vanilla to kink is opening minds to imagine past the negative stereotypes media places on BDSM. They think we’re freaks. You have to change that notion else you will always be freak to them.

    Eventually you have to play your kink card and lay it on the table. As long as you don’t fear your own desires, most probably they will not.

    “I am dominant, do you know what that means?” was how I first opened conversation with my then vanilla Missy.

    Now she is my slut, lover, friend, and live-in.

    Sometimes it works out…

    Sometimes not…

    If its the latter, just get back on the horse and try again, yes?

    -B

    • B,

      I so love your vision of Doms as intimacy junkies. That’s the thing I was missing when I was looking: a clear idea of what sort of personality I needed in order to thrive. It’s not enough that he be sexual (as you say, all men are interested in sex). It’s not enough that he be bossy. It’s not enough that he be older, wiser, or OK with me calling him Daddy when I come.

      I need someone that wants to get inside me and figure out who I am.

      An intimacy junkie.

      Really, that’s what I am, too. It makes perfect sense that I would need a complimentary partner.

  3. Couldn’t think of a better person than lg to field this question. I was genuinely rapt with excitement over the notion of her tackling this query. She is absolutely the spot-on person to handle this subject. I’m so excited for her that she’s found someone, and i can echo her proven methods.

    How i found my girl was the most conventional, straight-forward, non-kink-centric way. However, i was diligent and determined. I made my SM desires a focal point of my volition, and never wavered. In my case, it was the luck of the draw, but it would be dishonest to not say that my girl is one special critter to put up with all of my insane demands.

    Albeit, that’s the same for anyone, kinky or not.

    • Thank you so much for the hearty vote of confidence, Mr. Deity. It’s always a pleasure to have you weigh in.

      There’s a theme here that can’t be overemphasized, in my opinion: kinky people find partners the same way vanilla people do. We just have to look for a little more.

  4. Ooh I love stories where boy meets girl [or girl meets girl or etc] in a very vanilla way!

    I met my Dearly Beloved when I was like 14. We were on a message board for people in our area and we all met up & have been friends for YEARS. It was quite by accident that we hooked up. I was tired of dating/messing around with vanilla boys, so I made my submissive desires very clear from the beginning and to my complete surprise? He LOVED it. Sometimes it does work out completely how it should.

  5. Great info. Alt.com definitely is a scary place in many ways, lol.

  6. I’ve found a couple of really good matches on OKCupid. Both of the women I’ve met have been absolutely great matches for me when it comes to play. And, OKC is free.

    I’ve always hated alt.com, they are far too expensive, lie about how many profiles are on the site, and generally try to be irritating in as many ways as they can.

  7. […] I knew by then that I needed to find an “intimacy junkie” Dominant guy (thanks to B for that term!) I needed someone who wanted to open me up the way I’ve always dreamed: […]


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