Posted by: littlegirlyone | April 22, 2010

the care and maintenance of a grown-up little girl

Sometimes I wish I came with an instruction manual. I wish I had a little pink-covered book that I could hand over to Mark or Daddy and they would know how to fix what’s wrong with me. There would be an index, and diagrams, and a list of care and cleaning suggestions. Sometimes I even stump myself, and I wish I had someplace that would tell me what would make me feel better.

I had a rough week. Daddy was super extra busy, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time for me, emotionally. Last week I was in a much better place. I wrote that lovely surrender post, and that’s just where I was. But then, Daddy shared a fantasy with me, and it was really painful for me to hear about. It pushed on my abandonment issues. And unlike some of the other scary fantasies he’s shared with me, this one sounded like a real possibility. The end result was I completely lost touch with my calm submissive state (yes, I am stealing that from the Dog Whisperer).

I freaked out.

I know I’m freaking out when my heart and my head feel like they’re in polarity. My heart is a little girl’s heart: effusive in joy, mercurial in anger, and dramatic in sadness. Now, effusive happiness is one of my best qualities, I think; joy bubbles out of me without restraint. And having mercurial anger is often handy; I rarely hold a grudge, and I’m quick to drop my resentment at the slightest apology. But dramatic sadness is a bitch-and-a-half. And unfortunately, when something triggers my abandonment issues, dramatic sadness is the reaction du jour.

I’m sure you’ve already guessed that I have “daddy issues.” In a nutshell, my Dad worked a job he hated. And when he came home, he only wanted to smoke weed and/or drink a beer. (Where I grew up, smoking weed and drinking a beer have the same level of social stigma.) So while he was physically present every night of my life, he was otherwise gone. As a child, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to engage with me. It was very painful. I was a good kid. But he still wasn’t interested, and by the time I was a teenager, I felt like he didn’t know me at all. I felt abandoned.

So, it makes sense that I would grow up to have this desire for the Daddy/little girl relationship I didn’t have: one filled with intimacy and emotional-connection. (If you wonder why I sexualized that desire, Meg gives great insight in this post.)

As a kid, I couldn’t see that my dad’s abandonment wasn’t about me, it was about his job. Like most kids, I was the center of my own universe; everything was about me. The result is that I have this worthiness trigger, and when it’s pressed, I feel all of that little girl’s abandonment and sadness. It can be very overwhelming.

When I’m in that abandoned emotional state, I want the person who put me there to come and get me out. Afterall, that sounds fair. And it’s the sort of thing my dad never did. No matter how sad I was as a child, my dad never came and talked to me about what was wrong, never tried to cheer me up. Just writing that is very painful. Not only did I feel abandoned when he napped on the couch and ignored me, I felt doubly abandoned when I was sad about his being absent. I wanted him take care of me, but I never ever got it.

And so, zooming back to the present day, because Daddy had hurt me, I wanted him to come and get me. I just curled up in the sad, cold darkness and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And then, when he didn’t come, I got scared, and frustrated. I started to scream, and pretty quickly, I was in the grips of a tantrum. And I was still all alone in the dark sadness. And he still wasn’t coming.

I’m sure there are some of you shaking your head. What is the matter with the littlegirlyone’s Daddy? Why was he ignoring her? And I wish I could have found you last week, because I would have agreed. I was there because he had triggered my abandonment issues, and god damn it, he was going to have to come and get me. I dug myself in for the long haul. This was the result of his fantasy, and I wanted him to deal with it. Hmmmmph!

Well, that’s how I felt. And, I wasn’t very nice to him, either. The handful of 10-minute conversations that we had were full of my hurt. I told him I’d broken my orgasm restriction, thank you very much. I decided that if he wasn’t going to be around to talk to me, then I wasn’t going to listen to his rules. I came a lot, laying on the hitachi. Probably 10-12 times, then I passed out, exhausted, and woke up and came again. Then I cried myself to sleep. And, I told him, John had emailed me. Well, I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t even write him back, but I thought about it. So there, Daddy.

I ended up frustrated. I didn’t like it. Being mean to Daddy didn’t make me feel any better. And I hated being the sad, grumpy girl. It occurred to me that I was tired of hanging out in the sad, dark place, and I didn’t want to be there anymore.

My head is not my heart. My head is 29-years old with years of education, and lots of rationality. My head said this situation sucks, little girl. For sure. But there’s not a thing you can do to make him have more time. My head knew that he simply didn’t have more time. And, here I was, dug into my sad place. It wasn’t likely he’d be able to get me out in the 5-10 minutes he could spare. And he couldn’t spare any more time. It was not about wanting or liking or choosing. It was just reality.

My little girl’s heart wanted him to come get me, and wanted it to happen NOW. My grown-up head knew that there wasn’t any way to get that. And unlike when I was actually a child, I could see that this wasn’t about me, or being good enough. It was about work, and stressors beyond my control.

I had to make a choice: I could keep waiting in the sad place, and I trusted that Daddy would eventually come get me. But it would have to wait until he had time; it couldn’t be now.

Or, I could decide to dig myself out. It’s not the sort of thing I have experience with. It’s not my instinct, and it’s not my pattern. But at the end of the day, this is my life. If I spend a week being sad, I’m the one who feels sad for a week. And I was tired of being sad.

So, I made a decision to take care of myself. I didn’t do it to make Daddy’s life easier, or to make myself “fine.” I did it for me.

I didn’t get to have the corrective experience I wanted to have with Daddy. He didn’t come and cheer me up, the way my real dad never did. But he also didn’t ignore the fact that I was hurt and sad the way my real dad did. It was something in the middle. And being 29 instead of 9, I had the ability to see the situation rationally, not just experience it emotionally. As a grown-up little girl, I can choose to take care of myself.

I felt empowered. I could decide to leave the sad place right now.

So, I did.


Responses

  1. You felt abandoned, and instead of wallowing you changed your perspective. (It’s always empowering when you don’t abandon yourself!).

    Good for you!-that’s not always easy to do 🙂

    Hugs, Missy

  2. I’m very glad you got it all out of your system, and you feel better now. I was a little worried =[

    It can be hard to disconnect our little girl feelings from our grown up feelings, especially with issues like abandonment and aloneness. I don’t have the same daddy issues as you, but both of my parents were gone for a lot of the time while I was growing up, and my dad never really stopped being “away”. I’m blessed to be able to say that he did make an effort to spend time with me though.

    It’s good that you were able to pull yourself out though. I’m still trying to teach myself how to do that, and it’s way more difficult than I hoped for. Congratulations on leaving that place =]

    xx

    • It’s really, really hard to bring myself out. I’m sure this is one of the first, if not the first, time I’ve ever done it. I always hated when people used to tell me I could “choose” my feelings. Um, no. Sometimes I really can’t. But, I can choose to let go of the feelings that aren’t serving my best interest after a while. And that’s an improvement.

  3. Emotions sure can kick us in the butt, can’t they? I’ve been there Girlie…

    I’m glad you got yourself through it and feel stronger for having done so.

    Never forget to hug yourself first, and always.

    Take care!

  4. so, are you married AND have a dom?

    • Yes, I am one lucky little girl. If you’re curious about that, just click on the “my relationships” page up top. Welcome 🙂

    • Yes. Two separate guys, one lucky little bitch (that’s me)


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