Posted by: littlegirlyone | June 1, 2010

ask the little girl: beginning dominance

I have been in an open relationship with my girlfriend for a few months. She is very interested in D/s relationships and has been experimenting as a switch with a few people over the internet. She seems really good at what she is doing. I would like to get involved as well in order to experience it with my girlfriend, but it seems a whole lot harder to start as a novice Dom than a novice submissive. I was wondering if you had any recommendations for starting as a Dom? I am very interested, but I feel like I am going at it blindly.

Thank you very much,

A Reader

I can certainly relate to the questions asked here. It’s also very timely for me–I’ve been trying out my dominant legs in little bits for a while now, but it just got to be a more regular place for me in the past month.

For years, I thought being the Dom was really intimidating and scary. I couldn’t imagine how people got the guts up to try being in charge. My first experience with it was sort of by accident. I visited my friend, Persephone, who was owned by a couple at that time. Her owner, Andrew, let me play with her as a mini-Domme. This felt safe to me because he was ultimately in charge, and I didn’t have to worry about doing anything that wouldn’t be OK. He would protect all of our boundaries. This ended up setting me free to enjoy a pretty erotic, sexual, and enjoyable experience as a Domme (although I balked at that title at the time). If you’re curious, I wrote about that experience here.

You’re right that it is hard to start as a novice Dominant. I think that’s mainly because being unsure, scared, overwhelmed, or any of the emotions normally associated with trying something for the first time, fit better with submission than with dominance. We expect Dominants to have confidence, and to be the “rock,” while the sub experiences all the vulnerability. That makes for a challenging beginner’s experience… you’re supposed to be confident, but you have no idea what you’re doing!

First, you say your girlfriend has been playing around online as a switch. Does she top anyone online? Certainly, she would be a good person for you to talk to if she has any experience or advice she can share. You already have open communication, and intimacy. She seems like someone you can be vulnerable with, and freely ask questions of.

The first time I really got into a dominant headspace on my own (with no one topping me) was with my Daddy. Yes, he’s actually a switch, and one day a few months ago, he told me he was feeling particularly submissive. Having identified as a switch for a while, I thought to myself, I can work with that! But then I didn’t know what to do. Because he’s mostly experienced as a Dom, and because we have a really close relationship, he coached me a little bit before we began. The best piece of advice he gave was for me to figure out what I wanted, and demand it. That was the key to dominance for me.

Before we played with his being submissive, I took time to think about what I liked about, and what I wanted from, him. He’s strong, smart, successful, funny, sarcastic, handsome. I didn’t want him to stop being any of those things. Those are the qualities about him that I find really attractive. And, for the most part, I had only seen the version of male-sub that prevails in porn: meek, groveling, young-ish-looking boys. I didn’t want him to do that or be that, not really. I wanted him to be himself.

As for what I wanted, well that part came a little easier once I realized that I could really really have him do whatever I wanted. I mean, exactly what I wanted. (I am going to skip over the whole “consent” disclaimer here. You all know that you can’t ethically make anyone do anything without their consent.) Once that clicked, I found that I loved the idea of having him at my mercy. I could make him do all the things I fantasized about: giving me a bath, washing my hair, massaging me, painting my toes, kissing my ass, taking care of me, cuddling, being sweet, cooking for me. The list goes on. And I guess I have a little bit of a bitchy side, too, because I thought up some pretty good ways to hurt him. But really, once I had a clear idea of what appealed to me, I just started demanding it from him. The hardest part was getting used to demanding, not asking 🙂

That’s where I would tell you to start. Think of what you love about your girlfriend. Then think of ways to bring that out of her. Maybe you enjoy her in a certain outfit: order it! Maybe you like it when she cooks you dinner: demand it! Of course, make sure to give her lots of praise when she does as you’ve asked, and tell her how it affects you. That’s always really hot to hear as a sub, and it makes it easy to want to give more.

The second thing I would advise just from my own experience is that you remind yourself who you are, and be yourself. There is nothing worse than feeling like you’re acting out some porn/internet mashup of “dominance,” in hopes of pleasing your partner. That’s really the exact opposite of what dominance should be. Personally, I had a hard time reconciling my natural sexuality (which is very little girly) with the versions of female dominance I’d been exposed to. I don’t think of myself as a stone cold, evil, sadistic Lady that wears latex and spike heels. I didn’t want to end up doing an impression of that. It wouldn’t turn me on, and if you’re going to be the Dominant, you get to do things that turn you on. So, I had to find my own version of little girly dominance. I threw away those titles, like “Lady” and “Mistress” that did nothing for me, and came up with my own (I like “Princess” the best these days). I kept my little girly personality, I just stopped begging and asking. I started being bossy. It worked.

Lastly, be an emotional detective. The best Dominants always are, in my experience. Ask your girlfriend tons of questions (think of them as interrogation–hot!) about how things make her feel, what she likes, why, and so forth. When you know that she likes it, for example, when you tell her she’s a little slut, it will make you more confident telling her that. There’s this sort of “old guard bdsm” idea that every person must start as a submissive. Dominance is something you earn. I don’t necessarily subscribe to the rigidity, but I see why the idea would be popular. I am often grateful that I started off subbing. I feel it gives me perspective from the submissive’s side, and gives me a certain confidence. Of course, that’s all based on my experience as a sub, so I have to really check with my partner to see where his head is, and make sure that’s where I want him to be.

All told, I’ve found beginning dominance to be a fun, freeing and fascinating path. With self-awareness, confidence, and good communication, I think that you and your girlfriend have a whole wide world of possibilities open to you. I wish you both the best of luck, and lots of orgasms 😉


Responses

  1. i’ve been so excited for you in this blossoming of new parts of yourself… or newly embraced parts of yourself i guess! the joy you had when you were domming me was enough to convince me of your switchiness, so i’m glad that it now feels that way to you too. 🙂 also, i think this is a great beginning guide for people who are nervous about trying out dominance! i think you hit all the major points (all the ones that i can imagine wanting in a dom/domme) and make all of them sound easy and non-threatening. very empowering all around. go you!!! 🙂 xx

  2. Yay! I have been waiting for you to write about this. It sounds like this experience is really opening up new horizons for you erotically.

    It’s so important for us try to out different roles and find out what fits us. I’m not a dom at all, and I never thought I was, but now I know it for sure.

    I hope we’ll be hearing lots more of this soon.

    And, yeah, this seems to be all the major advice.

    I guess I would add that it’s hard to figure out someone’s submissive geographies unless you’re willing to push their limits a little.

  3. littlegirlyone has given excellent advice. I’d add a couple more things. First, if she is new to being a submissive, she’s going to be nervous. She needs to have confidence in you: firstly, that you will take care of her, and not harm her; secondly, that if she reveals her slutty side to you, that you will admire and cherish her more than ever. Aftercare, making her feel good about herself, is so important.

    The other thing is, I echo littlegirlyone’s advice to ask questions, to keep probing. OK, you are the dom and you will decide what’s what. But everyone is different, and the way to be a really successful dom is to find out where your submissive’s buttons are, and then push them. Maybe in time you can make her do things she’s not too keen on but which you really want her to do for you. But at the beginning you’ll have more success teasing out the things she really really wants to give you. And then you can make her give you even more of those things than she thought she wanted to.

  4. Well Done, great post!
    All the important things were mentioned, and of course it all comes down to communication and trust so it becomes something incredible for both parties.

    Collar

  5. Yes, EXCELLENT advice! you’re right…Dominance is earned and starts with confidence 🙂

    B and I were talking about this just last night. I’m starting to have fantasies of having a pet, someone to dominate (meow!). I think I’d be good at it because I’ve watched and learned so much from B (and he’s the BEST Dom EVah!).

    Thanks for posting this!

    xoxo, M


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