Posted by: littlegirlyone | August 16, 2010

ask the little girl: daddy issues

I received the following question through my Tumblr’s ask feature. I like keeping my written advice stuff over here, although I’m happy to field questions on Tumblr (especially if you want to ask anonymously).

hi, i’ve been reading your blogs for a while and i love this one especially. i love how you put a little story along with the pictures you post, it’s really creative and makes the pictures even more beautiful than they already are.

i have a question, though: i also have the daddy/little girl kink and hope i can have a relationship like yours one day. but it got me thinking. i’m a psychology student and wanted to go in depth on this subject. the cliche of ‘daddy issues’ its often said about people with this certain fetish, of sorts, but i was wondering if there may be any truth to it. i’m very submissive in nature and sexually, have this same kink as i said, and i grew up without my father and next to no male influence in life. there’s been a study on fathers’ influence on their daughters, and how daughters choose partners that have some traits like their dads’, etc. this makes me wonder if the daddy/little girl kink may have some connection with the fact that i had no father in my childhood and am now somehow trying to simulate it, or just long for a strong male influence over me.

if it wouldn’t be too imposing to ask, is your situation much the same? did you grow up with your father, or any other kind of male influence? i feel this may sound like some attack on your personal choices and it is not in anyway, as i am much the same as you, but i do live by the philosophy that all of our choices are shaped and affected by our upbringing and environment. it would be really nice if you could get back to me, as i’m curious about this subject as a whole.

I grew up with my father in the house, physically. He wasn’t very engaged emotionally. In fact, I’d say that I felt neglected by my father for all the 18 years I lived at home. He wasn’t abusive in an aggressive, yelling or hurting sense. He wasn’t mean. He just didn’t pay attention. It didn’t matter whether I did good things or bad things. He just wasn’t, generally, interested in me (or my younger brother–it wasn’t a sexist thing).

So even though I have a dad, and he lived with me, I would definitely agree that I didn’t grow up with a strong male influence. I’ve been sure for quite some time that I eroticized the Daddy/little girl relationship precisely because it’s a relationship I never had as a child. When I was little, that just made me sad. But by the time I was in high school, I hated my father. It wasn’t a raging hate, more of a fuck you/whatever apathetic hate. Where once his neglect had made me sad, I now hated the ways he didn’t pay attention to me. I hated feeling abandoned by him, even when he was right there in the same room. I hated that he wasn’t protective of me; he didn’t pay attention to what I was up to. He didn’t care one whit where I went or what time it was. He ceded all the “overprotectiveness” that our culture tells us fathers are supposed to feel for their little girls to my mother.

So, I agree that a lot of my Daddy/little girl kink comes from having experienced that sadness and neglect in my real father/daughter relationship. I think my desire for that real father/daughter relationship is evidenced by my very strong fantasies about being treated like a kid. In fact, if you asked my Daddy, he’d probably tell you my two main erotic triggers are condescension (that indulgent, loving, patronizing way that fathers can often be) and emotional intimacy (which my own relationship with my father lacked utterly, and still lacks to this day).

All that makes sense, and might not even make most people uncomfortable. What’s hard for many people to understand is that I want to be fucked, too. And that has nothing to do with a conscious sexual desire for my father (I’ll  step around the Electra complex, thanks). The “fuck me, Daddy” stuff can be a hard thing to wrap your mind around if it isn’t your kink. Indulge me while I try to explain what it’s like for me:

On the one hand, there’s the “non-sexual” stuff I fantasize about: I want my Daddy to baby and take care of me, dress me, patronize me, and send me off to school with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a kiss on the top of my head. Although I find all of that tremendously sexy, I’m calling it non-sexual because there’s nothing overtly sex-related in any of it. It’s the exact sort of stuff parents do, and it’s the stuff my father didn’t do for me at all. These acts have taken on an erotic life for me because I’ve taken my painful feelings of lacking in father-parenting, and sexualized them–they’re now something I get off on.

I wasn’t sexually abused by my father. Yet, because I have overtly sexual, incest-y fantasies, that seems to be what most people expect me to say: my Daddy fucked me and now I eroticize it.  But that’s not true for me at all.

For me, the thing that is most appealing about being my Daddy’s fuck dolly (not just anyone’s) is this fantasy that he created me for that purpose. Sort of like a God-figure. In that way, I think my Daddy kink is closer maybe to a traditional slave ideology, where my whole value is as a controlled, owned thing. The idea that my only job is to get my Daddy off is very comforting to me. I like thinking that he owns me, and that I’m his to do with as he likes. And I definitely like that the dynamic involves babying and caretaking, condescending and cheek-pinching, in addition to ass fucking and blowjobs (that’s one of the reasons I’m drawn to Daddy/little girl play instead of Master/slave). It’s the blend of grown-up dirty and little kid innocent that I love.

For me, it’s actually more embarrassing to own up to my non-sexual fantasies than it is to own my explicitly sexual ones. I mean, I’m a grown woman. People expect that I have sexual desires, and even liking cock as much as I do isn’t all that weird. But, wanting  to be sat at a table in the corner and given a coloring book, and told to keep myself quiet while Daddy works? That’s kinky, even if it’s pretty harmless. And I think the mix of non-sexual and sexual play can be sort of a funny mashup. Or at least, it’s one that can make people feel slightly uncomfortable.

I should probably wrap this up before I get too carried away on my own stuff, and you forget the question. I don’t want to suggest that every person with the Daddy/little girl kink (and there are a surprising number of us) has “daddy issues,” though. I think it’s logically likely that someone who eroticizes aspects of Daddy/little girl relationships had some pain around that relationship as a child. But maybe not. And certainly there are as many variations in experience as there are people.

I hope this was helpful. Good luck in your psychology studies and your kink.


Responses

  1. Lg,

    I just loved this post! It’s interesting to hear your point of view on your interests/kinks/desires etc. Like you, I’m in a Daddy/little girl relationship, and you’re the first person I’ve come across that also wants “to be sat at a table in the corner and given a coloring book, and told to keep myself quiet while Daddy works”.

    It’s nice to know there’s others out there like me 🙂 Mine goes a little bit further in wanting Daddy to check my colouring when He’s finished what He’s doing and praising me on what a good job I’ve done 🙂 And we all know how far the “good girl” praise goes 😉

    While I have analysed the reasons behind my attraction to this type of relationship, I’m not quite ready to publicly talk about them. Again, thanks for sharing your personal perspective and thoughts with us, I really enjoyed reading.

    Lucy

  2. If I start really explaining it I’ll ramble for ages, but yes! Another one over here with a daddy/little girl kink (no daddy to speak of, although my partner sometimes indulges me) and my father situation was much like Little Girl’s. My dad was in the house, but mostly just sat on his ass and ignored us.

    Even growing up, I knew I was a daddy’s girl but I just didn’t have the right daddy. I used to attach myself to other male authority figures and pretend they were my daddy…a teacher, a police man who was hanging out during the high school football game, whatever….

    it’s an interesting topic with so much potential to draw from. sounds like a great thesis (but it’s probably been done)

  3. lg,
    I’ve always gotten your “take” on Daddy/little girl. But for the longest time, when i was first introduced to the idea, i didn’t get it. And when i tried to chat with those “little girls” or “daughters” to figure it out, they were often rude and off-putting, indicating to me that if “you don’t understand, you shouldn’t ask.”

    I suspect a good number of “Daddy’s” will find this intelligent post, and this question kind of goes to them (yes, i’m hijacking your comments). lg has identified that her relationship with her biological father has imprinted on her sexuality and her desires to be in a Daddy/little girl relationship. For those who are the “Daddy” or wish they were, what relationship dynamic you had growing up impacted your sexual desires to assume this role?

    I think it’s clear that if you want to play a child’s role, you are grappling with issues from your childhood. But what are you grappling with when you want to play the “Parental” role?

    • I asked my Daddy your question, Deity. His answer, while sweet and honest, may not be the kind of insight you (and I!) were hoping for. He said that he really never thought about taking on the “Daddy” role until he met a little girl he wanted badly enough to try it (that was me). I love love love that he did take that leap for/with me, but I wish that someone would answer your question from a more psychological/personal perspective. Maybe I’ll entice Meg to weigh in eventually…

      • I am a Daddy and the role satisfies me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I wanted to weigh in even though my response likely won’t be to helpful. I never really thought of being a daddy until my wife (then girlfriend) called me daddy when she asked me to spank her the first time. It was a new experience for both of us and as soon as the words left her mouth it just clicked. It was like a a piece of me that I had never known was missing or neglected was suddenly being fulfilled.

        I don’t think anything in my childhood or my relationship with my parents caused me to have these desires. I do know that from a very young age (3 or 4) when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up my answer was a dad. I have always been a very caring and protective person, and kink has appealed to me since I first found it. So I think a relationship that combines the two, the sweet carrying, and in my case often spoiling and pampering with the discipline and control of a more traditional sub/Dom relationship just appeals to me more.

        I’m sorry for the rambling post, just woke up after not enough sleep but I hope that sheds some light on it.

  4. Wonderful post. I don’t get off on the concept of ‘Daddy’ but yet I DO love to be the ‘little girl’, ‘good girl’, good, little girl’ to the dominant/authoritative man.

    You’re right when you say, “there are as many variations in experience as there are people.”

    Your explaination is very helpful to understand one kind of ‘little girl’s’ experience.

  5. Fascinating reading. I confess I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the whole Daddy thing. I think I probably still do, but I’m beginning to think I can understand it. Thanks for the candid, articulate insight.

  6. Great post, I really enjoyed reading the background information that you post. It makes this daddy happy, it would be nice to find a forum where little girls could find their daddy and vice versa.

  7. […] ask the little girl: daddy issues « littlegirlyland […]

  8. LG,

    I’ve followed you for ages and I’ve always been interested in your attraction to this sort of dynamic. Because of this, I definitely appreciate you being so open in this post.

    I had a previous boyfriend that was interested in taking on the Daddy role, which we experimented with. It simply wasn’t for us because I overanalyzed everything. And like you two, Deity and LG, I was interested in what influenced his attraction. He was attracted to having someone depend on him. He wanted a girl that needed him. He felt that with other dynamics, the bottom either had her independence taken or it was given up. With the Daddy/young girl dynamic, the dependence was already there.

    We did discuss how he believed those feelings evolved, but he wasn’t incredibly confident in the analysis he created of himself: He was the youngest of four children – three boys and one girl. His two older brothers and his parents were the caregivers for his mentally-challenged sister, who was four years older than him. He doesn’t believe that he was ever neglected in any way due to the challenges that the family faced. But he found it frustrating that the parents trusted his siblings to be caregivers and never him until he was in his early twenties.

    Of course, he was hesitant to base his desire for a Daddy/little girl dynamic on how his family was structured while he was growing up, but he definitely believed that it related to trust. He needed someone to need him and trust him because he knew he was competent.

    Anyway, I’ve rambled enough and I’m sure little of that makes sense. I really enjoyed your post, though! 🙂

    Take care.

    • Thanks Lauren! What you shared was very insightful for me. Not that all “Daddy” dominants are going to feel the same way, but what you said made loads of sense to me. I’m very happy you commented!

  9. I just kind of stumbled across your page and I’m so glad I did. Thanks for such an honest explanation of how you connect with your Daddy. I wish I could put my thoughts down so well as you.

    I was divorced in my 30s and was lucky enough to meet a lovely man who has been very accepting and understanding of my kink, particularly the emotional side, which was something I had just really discovered after my divorce We met on a regular dating site and it turned out he had never had any sexual experience before. I was very careful that although I was open and said I had always dreamed of having a Daddy to take care of me, I didn’t want to lead him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with.

    Just as in your case, being a Daddy wasn’t something he had ever thought of, but he is a kind and considerate lover and, it turns out, very naughty sometimes. Perhaps I could see in him all along that he would be perfect for me? Over time he has slipped gradually into that role and I have seen his confidence growing too. Whenever I am feeling a bit insecure he always reassures me that he’s my Daddy and I’m his little girl and that’s all there is to it, shushes me, tells me Daddy knows best and that’s the end of that. *s*

    Keep writing .. xx


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