Posted by: littlegirlyone | October 22, 2010

Transforming My Transformation

When I first started talking to my Daddy about undertaking the transformation project, and documenting it here on the blog, there was one thing that really held me back. It wasn’t my curves. It wasn’t my feminist ideals, or my fear of rejection. It was my writer’s pride.

I confess: I struggle with perfectionism in my blog. And being overly-critical about my writing, and the sorts of things I post. I have noticed many bloggers struggle with the opposite problem: they feel they don’t proofread or think things through enough.  I suppose the grass is always greener! More often, I’m sitting here, proofing and re-editing and re-thinking, and trying to make my post perfect (although I always find one more dratted typo after I publish). It has always been one of my stumbling blocks: that tension between writing more, and writing better.

I created the “transformation” pages specifically to relieve myself of the need to post perfect, polished pieces on my weight loss journey. I thought it would be easy to ramble on about boring things like calories and exercise if I didn’t feel like it was going to show up on my real blog. And for the most part, it was true. I managed to write a weekly summary for a few months. Although I still proofread the summaries, they weren’t nearly as detailed or perfect as my real writing. And it was all going along swimmingly until it wasn’t.

There’s a bunch of reasons why the writing part of the project has fallen off track, but let’s talk about the most obvious. First, my Daddy lost his hunger for the public documentation. He still wanted me to achieve results, he just didn’t care if I blogged about them or not. Without him leaning on me, I didn’t feel like I had to make the time to write.

Second, I moved, got a new job, and otherwise filled up my time. In the spring, when the project started, I had a lot of extra time on my hands to fill. These days, I’m lucky if I get a moment to curl up with Daddy on chat, let alone maintain my blog, tumblr, and entries about my transformation project.

Third, and perhaps most interestingly, my weight loss stopped feeling submissive, and started feeling…something else. It’s hard for me to define. When I first started watching what I ate, stepping on the scale every day, and working out, it felt like something I was doing in service to my Daddy. Some days it felt sweet, and like a gift. Some days it felt humiliating, or like a special kind of torture. But it always felt connected intimately to my desire to please other people (Daddy in particular). Somewhere in the months where I was moving and getting settled, my journey down the size rack started feeling like something I was doing for me. I ate better because I felt better when I did. I looked forward to watching my numbers on the scale tick downward. I was proud of me, and what I was accomplishing, and started doing these things consistently for the way it made me feel about myself. And one day I realized, I wasn’t doing it for Daddy, or for anyone else. I was doing it just because wanted to look good, feel good, and be healthy.

In the end, that last piece is really the transformation. I don’t know if I’ve internalized something or just changed my perspective. I don’t know how much domming had to do with me feeling comfortable owning my body in that way, but I suspect there’s a relationship there that I should continue to examine. The timing of it correlates, and something about that idea captures my analytical mind. I should revisit that, and I will.

So many have written to me, asking how the weight loss was going. I really wanted to give you all an update about me and my transformation. So here goes: I’m thrilled to report that since I first stepped on the scale for my Daddy back in March, I’ve lost over 25 pounds.  Initially, my body measured 43-38-47. I currently measure 39-32-43. I currently weigh 175. Our goal is to get me down to 150 by my 30th birthday (in April). At the rate I’m going (about 1 lb a week, steadily), I think I’ll get there.

My Daddy continues to celebrate my success, and praise my accomplishments. But he’s largely allowed me to monitor and discipline myself in the past few months. He’s much more like a partner in my journey than the driving force behind it. And sure, some part of me feels that loss. But a bigger part of me knows that me owning my body and taking responsibility for it, is a better, healthier, and more sustainable thing. He was the catalyst for me to change the way I was living my life. But ultimately, I’m the one that lives it. And I’m happy to be actively doing good things for me, not just because someone “made me do it.” I value me enough to make myself a priority.


Responses

  1. Congrats on staying on track with your transformation.
    Once you set a goal and stick with it when it comes to your body it does help you “own” it.

  2. an absolutely beautiful post and I applaud your successes both on the physical and mental sides. I can truly relate to what you wrote here and want to feel that same realization. That while losing weight for my Master is a wonderful thing, losing it for myself is even better. hugs

  3. Congratulions on your progress and also on your happiness with yourself…you should, most definitely, be proud.

  4. oh, i agree with shizzler. i felt so proud of you reading this post. i knew that you “grew” in these past months, but it’s inspiring to be reminded of it. and you have given us that reminder not just by telling us– also by showing us, with your grounded, insightful writing. this is an awesome post. luke and i both congratulate you.

  5. Congrats on such great progress, and stick to it! Really an inspiring post =)

  6. I’m so happy for you. That is the way any transformation should be – first for YOU before anyone else.

  7. Congrats – with the job, and this physical AND deeper transformation.


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