Posted by: littlegirlyone | April 17, 2011

because there’s nowhere else to go

I know: I haven’t written here in months. Nearly 6 months to be precise. If you’ve followed my tumblr, you know I’m still very much in love with my Daddy. That I’m still kinky and doing things and learning about myself and my sexuality. I’ve received so many emails and notes and comments in my absence, and to those of you who’ve sent them: THANK YOU! I’m sorry my acknowledgement is so tardy.

Now, let me tell you why I’m here. I’m black and aching inside tonight. I keep tearing up and feeling like I have no place to put all these big big emotions. When I feel sad like this, I understand cutting (although I’ve never done it, and I’m not going to start). The pain that can well up inside a girl can feel insurmountable. And in some way, physical pain seems like it would be a relief. Not to worry, that’s not how I manage it.

Sitting here, crying and desolate, it occurred to me that this is what I originally started this blog for. Way way back when I was meeting up with John, I felt this kind of angst all the time, both on a bigger and a smaller scale. Submission seems to bring this out of me. And when I first started, my heart just hurt and throbbed and the pain inside wouldn’t leave me. So I started a blog to have a place to put all my angst and tears.

Obviously, my blog developed into something more. It became a place where I put things I’m proud of: developed writing, pretty stories, fantasies, real life accounts. And somehow the weight of that, the expectation that I would come here with something brilliant and polished to say, overbore this original purpose: to let my voice be heard, even if only by the anonymous interwebs. This is supposed to be where I can be messy and real and freaked out and rambly. So tonight, I reclaim it for that.

I’m aching tonight. Hurting on the inside. I had the most wonderful few days with my Daddy, but he’s busy again and I can’t help it: I hurt inside. It feels like abandonment, even though the big girl in me knows it isn’t. Still, it throbs and burns inside my throat, tight and hot and full of tears. And I hate this feeling so so so so much. It overwhelms and terrifies me and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Well, I do know that writing helps. So. I’m telling you I miss my Daddy so fucking much right now I’d stab myself in the heart if I thought it would make the aching go away. It’s the rawest, saddest, hardest, darkest place for me to be stuck. I seriously hate it here. I want someone to show me the exit. In here, it feels like no one loves me and no one ever will again. (And yes, to another part of me, that statement sounds ridiculous.)

And I know it’s not fair. Of course he has a life, and he’s not actually attached to me. He has to do things by himself, for himself sometimes. That’s healthy. I know. And I’m so madly, incredibly in love with this man that I’d eat glass to keep him. So I can absolutely manage to get through one rough, emotional night on my own. I have to.

Except there’s this little girl inside me that can’t.

That little girl doesn’t believe that anyone can love her, or even see her. She’s pretty sure that she’s worth less than nothing. She wants to disappear, or shrink small enough so that someone will want to keep her all the time. It burns to write that, but it’s true. That little whelp is not all that I am, but she’s there. A part of me. And sometimes she gets triggered, and all her hurty, awful, scary sadness comes back to me like it’s brand new. It’s like I carry this little Gremlin inside me, and certain situations unleash her. And she howls and she hurts and she’s so sad that it breaks me open. I know that I need to learn how to fix it. I’m supposed to be able to love that little girl because no one else did, and no one else will. But holy God, that’s hard. It feels impossible, even. And that tiny, broken, saddest little thing just keeps erupting out of me. And I feel like I’ve failed when she comes.

I hate her.

And that just makes me cry harder because I know that I don’t want her, either.

So this is me tonight: a tangled mess of the most horrible abandoned sadness. I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I also don’t see why I shouldn’t. This is my place. This is her place. There’s at least one place where neither one of us has to be abandoned.


Responses

  1. Oh sweetheart. I was so glad to see you back, but am so sorry to see you hurting. Big hugs to you, girly. I hope you feel better soon!

  2. All I can say is that I very much feel you, LG. I know that hurt too. -hugs- At least you’re giving that scared little girl a place where she’s not alone, like you said.

  3. It is unusual for me to leave a trail of my presence. When read this I related so much I felt compelled. In the past I have cut to self-harm. More recently I have felt very depressed and suicidal. I believe that a lot of things need to be at play for this to occur. Late last year and into the early part of this year, things with my Master, who had also become my lover, came to an end. During the time of being with my Master I learnt a lot about me, in particular about my sexuality. In the ending, the very hurt, little girl in me was mobilised but I think she is often there lurking and a lot of my decisions in the first place are led by the big hole that was created a long time ago. I feel sad about this. Like you I can HATE this and her. BUt as I am coming out of a very dark period, I am helped by loving the little girl and nurturing her, which I learn through others with experience or who see me differently. I miss my Master everyday. Also like you, the wanting to be small and therefore someone will want to love and keep me. My Master didn’t have just me and although I knew that was his right it crippled me to destruction. I have to learn to love that part of me to start the healing and through loving her/me then and only then can I find the exit. I seek help through a fellowship I belong to, I go to meditation and I also seek some professional help. I also have friends who know me very very well. I am sure you now all this but just wanted to share a little of my own experience because it is good for me to know I am not alone in my pain.
    I long to be with my Master but right now I realise I need a healthier love and nurturing. God I miss him though.

  4. I did mean to say too – thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. It takes courage and I think it’s nurturing – acknowledging how you are truly feeling.
    It helped me too, giving me permission to be how I am despite not being comfortable in my own deep dark low right now. I am beginning to lift out of it.
    Once again, many thanks and I hope you find a loving way soon
    From someone who relates (a lot to a lot) and cares
    Bliss

    • Thank you, Bliss. Reading this really helped me to not feel completely isolated. It reminded me why writing about this stuff in a pubic forum is so therapeutic for me. If I wrote this and kept it to myself, I’d still feel like a freak. Sharing it has allowed me to hear from you (and others) that I am not. Somehow it’s very comforting to feel like even if I don’t know how to get out of here, I’m not the only one 🙂

      Thank you for sharing and taking the time to write. Also, thanks to Alaina and Kate. Getting comments right away really did cheer me up immensely.

      hugs,

      *lg

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I have had many nights like this and in those times I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. It’s a horrible place to be but I hope you are doing a bit better now that you’ve gotten a bit of it out in words.

  6. From one little to another… {{{super dee duper tight hugs}}}

    This was very sad to read and I am very sorry you are hurting.

    • Thank you, and everyone, for all the sweet words. I am doing much, much much better. This feeling seems to have subsided for the time being, and I’m grateful. Also, I’m very happy that, if nothing else, it got me blogging here again 🙂

      • I am pleased you are feeling so much better. I hope you can keep writing your feelings. I need an outlet when involved in something that is such a powerful mobiliser of emotions.
        I am struggling, seeking a lot of support and taking one day at a time – and writing everything down as I go along.
        Bliss
        X

  7. From one little girly to another, your pain and darkness is felt and acknowledged. You’re in my thoughts and while I’m delighted to see a new post, will be more delighted when the light starts to get brighter. ❤ Zuzu

  8. This is exactly why I love this whole blogging thing. It gets your thoughts and feelings down, making you feel better, and then people comment. And sure enough, you learn that you are not the only one in the world feeling the same way. I applaud your courage in being able to post your feelings!!! And know, you are not alone.

  9. So glad to see here in the comments that you’re feeling better!

    Thanks for sharing- it is the brave souls who do that help everyone else to feel like they aren’t alone.

    And on a personal note -wheeee- I’m so happy to see you blog again!

  10. First off, I’m so glad to see you back blogging after a 6 month hiatus! You have been greatly missed!! Secondly, this particular post made me cry as I can personally relate to all those feelings of sadness and abandonment. When you wrote, “He has to do things by himself, for himself sometimes. That’s healthy…. So I can absolutely manage to get through one rough, emotional night on my own. I have to. Except there’s this little girl inside me that can’t. That little girl doesn’t believe that anyone can love her, or even see her. She’s pretty sure that she’s worth less than nothing.” that really resonated within me. That could have been written about me. While I would never wish those feelings on anyone, it’s always comforting to know you’re not alone with your irrational fears and thoughts and insecurities. I’m glad you’re doing much, much better and I hope to see more blogs posted soon!! xox

  11. Welcome back.

    I’m sorry it’s with such sadness. But thank you for sharing. The funny thing is, I see so many bloggers worrying about their ‘audience’ and feeling the need to have polished bits to share, but for me, as a reader, I love the raw, open stuff. It’s what I identify with may more…

    Like with this post.

    I’ve felt exactly that, that needy little girl who is has a hole in her heart. Feeling like nothing, like emptiness. I’ve been there, or somewhere very fucking similar. Daddies get in there and open it all up, and sometimes we’re left bereft.

  12. Hello.

    I’m new to your blog, but stumbled across this post and it just broke my heart. I’m a fellow blogger over at writingwithellie.wordpress.com and I write about healing through writing. It sounds like that may be just what you need 🙂

    Check out some of my earlier posts about what I do and why I do it. If you ever need any exercises or writing starters or anything, don’t hesitate to let me know!

    Ells

  13. […] as my recent post suggests, bringing all that out isn’t just about pleasure. Bringing my submission out still […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: