Posted by: littlegirlyone | April 30, 2011

On blossoming, or a request for advice

I wrote a while back about my blossoming domme-ness. It’s continued to bloom since then, or at least, the thoughts and desires have. My realtime experiences have been…limited. Which is putting it generously.

I find this lack of experience disconcerting. Much more than I ever did as a submissive. There’s something about being in control of a man* that challenges me in a way that D/s has never challenged me before. I know I have a largely M/f audience, but I’d love some advice, feedback or suggestions from anyone who’s willing to share, either in the comments or by email.

The problem I encounter is this: Dominant fantasies have become a rather regular and accessible thing for me. I have no issue getting off thinking about being the dominant partner when I’m on my own. And most of the time, I am on my own. But when I’ve had the chance to actually *be* the dominant partner, in person? I find myself suffering what could only be described as a bit of stage fright.

This puzzles me for a couple of reasons. First, I never get stage fright. Not ever. I’ve spent about half my life performing, and my current job is consists primarily of talking in front of people for long periods of time. Nothing about people watching me bothers me in other settings. But there’s something about being in charge in private that makes me feel like I’m being watched, studied, criticized and judged. It makes me self-conscious, which isn’t a great place to start when you’re trying to feel like you’re confident and in charge.

Second, I have never ever had this stage fright problem as a submissive. Submission comes so so easily. If I were a little less thoughtful, I might decide that this proves I’m a “natural submissive” and write off this whole domme thing as a lark. But I’m me, and that means I’ve over-analyzed this to bits and pieces, and I’m sure I don’t think it’s because of any “natural” submissiveness. (Can you tell I’m not a huge fan of that terminology?) I think it’s cultural, learned submissiveness. And I think that it’s holding me back from experiencing the top side in the way I truly want to experience it. And that frustrates me. And it makes me mad.

I realized fairly recently that I have never been the initiator of sexual contact. Or contact at all in sexual relationships. It’s not that I don’t have desires in the bedroom. I obviously have very specific ones. It’s that thus far, I’ve figured out how to manipulate my male partners into giving me what I want, without me having to ask for it, or direct them.

This “skill,” if you could call it that, is also a very bad habit. I don’t want you to think I’m the type of lover that just lies there. Quite the contrary. But I tend to look to my male partner for direction, and I tend to let him direct the action. When I want something, I’m really comfortable in getting him to think it’s his idea and then “going along with it.”

Clearly, this all comes from cultural conditioning: Good girls aren’t supposed to want sex, and they’re certainly not supposed to direct it. Men don’t find aggressive women attactive. Blah, blah, blah. I don’t believe a word of that drivel, but I seem to have subconsciously absorbed a lot of it. And that frustrates me. And it makes me mad.

Finally, I note that submission is inherently somewhat passive. What I mean is that while submissives do a lot, it’s almost always at the behest of the dominant partner. That means the dominant has to have a gameplan and a sense of direction and be ready to make demands. The submissive, of course, responds to all of that, but isn’t expected to come in with anything but the desire to do as they’re told.

So I’d love some help or some direction here. It’s something I’d like to get over, and soon. Because there are a whole lot of things that I daydream about doing to boys, and it sure would be nice if I could actually, you know, do them sometime.

*Note that I’m specifically writing about my interactions with male partners. With females, I don’t seem to run into this problem.


Responses

  1. Like anything, there is a learning curve, and it sounds like you are pushing yourself to be all a domme should be without the discovery process. That’s like appearing on opening night without any rehearsal…you’re gonna have stage fright. You need ot enlist a man or boy for some learning sessions…and much of that learning is about what pleases you in that position. It is what Doms do… they please themselves, by doing what titillates them to a partner. It may have even been hinted at by the sub, but as you say, it becomes about pleasuring their own senses while semi-torturing the sub into a begging pleading mess. Perhaps it’s time to have some discovery sessions about just what in that position sends you to the fucking moon in the flesh. Once you know more of what pleases you in that position, the discovery will continue but your own sense of who you are on top will be gelling much better…and you will enjoy it so much more. Just a thought…

    • this is fabulous advice, and i completely agree. the long-distance thing ends up being the kicker for us here, but i’m seriously considering asking for a practice boy. i’m not sure he’d go for it, but it seems like it would help me. a lot.

      as always, your writing (even in your advice) is just delicious. you have a way with words, robert. thanks for coming by 🙂

      • I do think a rehearsal/discovery boy for your domme-play would help you lots. I hope you can work that out for yourself.

        I continue to be one of the biggest fans of your sexual evolution!
        Thank you! xo

  2. I started off a bottom in the lifestyle (calling myself a sub @ the time) and had the same experience you did. I had these fantasies but when i tried to act on them it was like trying to dance with two left feet.

    It just took awhile for it to come all the way out of me. I wish I could tell you what finally woke it up all the way in me… it just took time but when it did it did in a BIG way. After that I had zero stage fright problems.

    • That’s encouraging to hear! Thank you 🙂

  3. Well, my darlin’ little girl, I don’t believe you’ve quite analyzed enough. Anyone who seeks to lead, to control, has to be willing to take the terrible risk of offending, of failing, of having to admit, in the end that the plan didn’t work, people got hurt, and I, the leader, am to blame.

    It’s so much safer to insinuate an idea, manipulate someone else into being in charge, and make sure that ultimately, it’s the other person’s plan. That way, when it screws up, it’s their fault, not yours. And even if you are accustomed to accepting blame in other areas of your life, risking your love life, your sexuality, to a high-voltage assessment of blame is very frightening to me.

    Guys learn this in high school: girls (typically) have all the problems of being attractive, but guys (again, typically), have all the risks attendant upon actually asking for what they want. And it really hurt to get laughed at, you know…

    • You know, I have thought about this. Lots. I guess I didn’t write about it in my post, but this is for sure one of the major factors that I’ve dealt with. I haven’t always had things go how I wanted them to go, and I’m my own hardest critic. And, my Daddy is a tough critic, too. So I’m very aware of how scary and hurtful it is to try and fail.

      I definitely feel a lot of respect/awe for the way boys learn this stuff at such an early age. It can’t be easy. I’m sorry you were hurt.

  4. My main trouble is that I find it difficult when people don’t articulate their desires or give specific details, just an open invitation, I don’t feel that the invitation is as “real” as my (so very clearly dominant) husband does. We have conversations that go something like Me: I can’t play with somebody who can’t or won’t tell me what they want. Him: They DID tell you what they want and they want you to take charge, not to ask them about it. Me: but, but, but Him: No, really – if I consulted you while topping you, it would be a terrible scene. You want to know I’ll respect hard limits and from there, you want me to take charge unless and until you have some desire great enough to articulate. That’s what you have to do now.

    The one thing I have found has helped my domme-confidence the most is blindfolds. Blindfolding them for early parts of the scene creates so many opportunities for getting comfortable- it is fun sensory play for them, it is a power dynamic and it means they can’t watch me fiddling with rope or test swing a toy or think about what to do next or slipping my heels off, etc. It puts them in their own head and allows me the power to create the experience without worrying about my own appearance – and, the further into a scene I get, the less I worry about being watched or judged and so by the time the blindfold is off, I’m usually a lot more comfortable with it all. So. That’s a tool that could be helpful.

    • Thank you soooo much for the feedback. I definitely brought the blindfold with me. Next time I need to trust my instincts and actually put. it. on. him. Gulp.

      But I thought the same thing: it would give me an opportunity to be a little nervous and awkward on my own without him watching me. It would feel easier somehow without him watching. See? It sounds just like stage fright…

      • It is a bit like stage fright. There is an audience and they are are anticipating something from you. For me, the blindfold takes away the feeling that they *expect* something from me. it’s ok for them to want, to anticipate, to wonder, but to assume, expect or project onto me…well, that doesn’t make me feel so terribly dominant.

        I think just the exploration of these topics can help, too. Once it’s a known beast, it becomes less of a big scary and more of a “how to deal with.”

  5. Then there’s the diabolical cheat: start with one possibility (crop, belt, raised hand), and then make him beg for exactly what he wants you to do, in detail. Order him to “use his words.” This fact-finding mission may prove fruitful, and also gives you time to respond. Positioning someone face down spread-eagled also allows you to fiddle around worrisomely out of visual range, while they are in an exposed position.

    See if any of the talk that turns you on–like talk about their littleness and good or bad behavior–is a turn-on for them. Let’s see–try to resist the urge to ask “is this ok?” too repeatedly (if you’re me!); something like “shall I continue?” probably sounds better. And sometimes I feel ridiculous anyway, and I’m pretty sure that ought to be ok, too. You already know about the aftercare part.

    Then again, most days I’m only medium in charge!

    love,
    Murre

    • Murre,

      I was totally hoping you’d have something to say about this. Thank you, thank you, thank you! That’s all really helpful, practical advice. Just the kind of support I was looking for 🙂 I feel so challenged sometimes because I rarely see the kind of female dominance I like portrayed, well, almost anywhere. It’s so nice to hear from you. I respect your relationship so much.

  6. Pitching in very late, and very little, but I thought I’d add my two cents.

    I love protracted planning beforehand. With my husband (and beloved fucktoy) we will often start with text messages, or emails in the days before we are going to have a chance at some privacy and some serious playtime.
    I love asking questions and then seeing where his answers lead us.
    The blindfold suggestion is a very good one, and I also find that making him ask for what he wants is fun, erotic, and so delightful to watch.
    What he can text without a care in the world,
    “I want you to spank me and slap my cock.”
    is suddenly quite a challenge when he is kneeling naked, looking into my eyes, and being forced to ask me for a specific number of spankings.

    Use the well-known tricks and tools;
    blindfolding, restraints, kneeling, etc.
    There is a reason they are so well used, they work!

    Last piece of advice from me… there isn’t a right way to do this.
    If you are both having fun from time to time, getting off on it at some point, and generally learning and growing… it’s a success!

    • It’s never too late to give such great advice and tips! Thank you so much, DD. You know I’m a huge fan of your tumblr. And these are all really excellent, practical suggestions. Also, it’s nice to be reminded that oh yeah, this is supposed to just be fun and sexy. I think I just have very high expectations for myself, and I tend to get overly worked up about being perfect and doing things right.

      So glad to know you’re reading here!


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