Posted by: littlegirlyone | May 6, 2011

in contrast: submission

I can’t help but notice that my two recent posts reflect a topic I’ve been wanting to address: The difference in my emotional state when I’m submissive, in contrast to when I’m dominant. I’ve been wanting to analyze this, and so I’ll tackle submission first.

Although I didn’t always know this, my work in therapy and my relationship with my Daddy have helped me uncover something important: My submission is tied to my trauma, pain, abuse and neglect. Submission always ends up bringing out the places where I hurt and feel unlovable. It tugs on the places where I feel abandoned for being imperfect, and where I’d do anything, anything, anything to be loved. It can be a very sad, very needy place.

It seems obvious now, but I used to wonder why submission almost always lead me to crying. Imagine how awful it was in my first D/s stumblings. I’d have these really intense experiences and feelings with my then-Dom, and want to deal with them. But he had been clear from the beginning that he didn’t want any emotional involvement. He had said he’d stop seeing me if I couldn’t handle it. So I’d smush all that hurt away, only to break apart when he walked out the door. It was horrible.

I had figured out that I needed to find a Dom who could handle a lot of big emotion right before I met my Daddy. I told him that if I were to let him top me, I’d need a lot of emotional aftercare. I warned him that submission brought up things I couldn’t handle on my own, pain I couldn’t bear, and lots and lots of tears. He promised that I could always, always tell him my feelings, and had me promise not to hide them. He told me he could handle all of it. And so far, he really has. In fact, he doesn’t just handle my emotions, he encourages them. He celebrates them. He sees close to everything I feel now: the pretty, the ugly, the sad. And he loves it. Truly. It’s been amazing to have someone love me like that for the first time in my life.

As it turns out, crying is also a major turn-on for both me and my Daddy. I had never had a sexual partner that enjoyed my crying. It’s always been something I had to hide. But now I get to lay my head against his chest, and have him hold me and let me cry. He never tells me to stop, and that’s really nice. Admittedly, lots of times things turn sexual at some point because we are both so turned on by crying. One of my favorite things that we share is the ability to embrace my hurting, and make it something pleasurable together. I love that he loves the broken little girl that my submission brings out. I love that she makes him crazy with love and lust and longing. It’s good for her to be loved like that. It’s wonderful to be able to feel and be seen.

But as my recent post suggests, bringing all that out isn’t just about pleasure. Bringing my submission out still causes tremendous, unmanageable pain. It doesn’t always end with me in a tailspin, but to avoid one, the timing has to be perfect. If Daddy gets me into that place, and can’t be with me, I break apart. That little girl is terrified of abandonment, and she doesn’t want to be left alone, not even for a second. Being left alone for days is unbearable. It’s like her world is ending. It feels like something is dying inside me.

The obvious solution is that we shouldn’t bring my submission out except when there’s time to make things alright. And mostly, we’ve learned to stay away when he’s too busy. Except life doesn’t always stick to our plans. When Daddy and I have been toying with my submission, and his time unexpectedly becomes limited? It’s the perfect storm for me to spiral into that awful dark place I wrote about.

Daddy has asked me lots of times if we should even continue to play with my submission. He’s worried that it’s bad for me, and that it’s doing more emotional harm than good.

I don’t know the answer. I know that I hurt like crazy sometimes in the aftermath. But, I know that it also turns me on, makes me float and feel beautiful and vulnerable. Submission is a part of my identity that I cannot imagine losing. But I also know that it stimulates the very places that I’m trying to heal. And I don’t know if accessing those places is helpful, or if it’s more like picking at a wound.


Responses

  1. This part: ‘That little girl is terrified of abandonment, and she doesn’t want to be left alone, not even for a second. Being left alone for days is unbearable. It’s like her world is ending. It feels like something is dying inside me’…..makes me cry because that’s exactly how I feel and I’ve NEVER found someone who got that. I made the horrible mistake of marrying a weak weak man who is also very passive-aggressive submissive and has decided mid-marriage that he’s asexual so I am literally abandoned within my own relationship and any future relationship I fear will not fare well because of my huge need for reassurance.

  2. I closely relate to what you have written. With the disintegration of the M/s relationship I was in I was re-traumatised by all my issues from childhood that have carrid on throgh my adulthood but unconsciously. The deep desire to be loved and the terror of abandonment have once again brought me to my knees and very dark thoughts ensued.
    I am afraid of losing the submissive in me as it is so wholly arousing. There is intrigue and intensity, a sense of danger and the unknown. Plus of course the power of someone who seemingly is there for me when I please him. But the abandonment even when it’s probably not that is just so painful.
    I have an incredibly astute therapist who specialises in sex and love addiction and I am seeing that the M/s relationship is actually harmful and not wholesome. I feel such a sense of loss. To not engage with this …. forever. I can only manage this on a day by day basis. I long for my Master and the grieving is painful but that I think is all a part of the trauma I feel.
    For me I cannot engage with my submission. I have never been dominant but I need a period of time to be wholesome with myself. Be content as me – love me. Then I will not need anyone. If I meet someone then it can be very different – so I am told. I am trusting because I cannot keep doing this – I will end up dead.
    This is only my opinion for my own steps towards something different. It’s good to be sharing it more openly and be able to be honest about the extent to which I grieve the loss of my submission. It hurts. I can only trust that there is something better as I do not have any experience of that to date.
    Bliss

  3. Very well said, I’ve been there and experienced the same many times…… For me, the drop I feel when Daddy suddenly has to go, despite being the most ouchie, miserable time, is completely worth it for me. I couldn’t give up submission because it’s ultimately what makes me feel happiest, most floaty, and awesome….

    I’ve noticed that KNOWING its a possibility, and knowing what it is, has helped me cope with it better… I make little preparations just in case: Have tea ready to make, have my teddy and blankie, have my Uncle Archie and friends who can talk me through it when Daddy cant, etc. Assignments from Daddy that I can do when he is gone help too…. 🙂

    ❤ Casey

  4. I think that you did a great job with this post– it was brave and I am so glad that you wrote about it. I bet a gazillion people can relate to it, and maybe will learn more about themselves by observing your journey and insights.
    xxx

    • Thanks to everyone for the responses.

      I struggled with talking about this for a long time. It’s not easy to be the one to shed the emotionally trying light on something as sexy and fun as D/s. But for me, ignoring that side would be totally inauthentic. I’m glad that some of you felt some solace or recognition. That’s always so encouraging for me to hear about. And for those that didn’t, it’s nice to hear this piece resonated and was heard.

      I’m probably going to switch gears for a little while, and come back to this topic from the other side. But I have some sexy stuff I’m just bursting to write about first.

  5. Hi there, I’m the one that sent you the How To Capture and Train….. pdf.

    Being a male sub it seems from your post that my experience is far different than some of the female ones here commenting. I don’t think male subs are looking for a “mommy” as it seems that some females are looking for a “daddy”.

    For me submission is a sort of sacred ground where I give up ALL I am to my Mistress. The power exchange is complete. BUT she on the other hand has an enormous responsibility as I’m totally in her care. When she drives me into subspace ( one of the most incredible places for a person to be in) she knows that she has to be emotionally gentle (not physically though) and she will see me through the session and then actively participate in aftercare.

    Aftercare is when both parties hold each other and talk about the mindblowing experience that just occurred. Don’t forget there is also “domspace” where the top must unwind as well. Often they have caused pain and they very well may not be sadists at all. So they too must come down during aftercare. Both parties have gone to unknown places and both have strange chemicals coursing through their veins.

    As for the emotional pain of childhood experiences, I really can’t answer that except that in my experience, it needs to come out. Not shuttered. BUT the partner you choose to dominate you to must be able to handle the growth you are experiencing in your journey.

    One of the most beautiful parts of being submissive is the giving of yourself and the vulnerability it entails. That is the seduction of subspace.

    As for what mindset a dom must get into, is probably entirely different. For them it’s the trust they are given, the visual of a naked body under their control, the sexual servitude they experience and the fact that they OWN you for a time. That in itself is pretty heady stuff.

    Different from subspace but still a trip of its own. I’m a switch and can do both and either are something that I do exclusively but my mate is not into subbing, so that is the role I happily take.

    • Michael,

      Thank you for your feedback. And again, for the pdf. I think this is all very good food for thought. Now I just need to get my hands on a boy… 🙂

  6. Dear littlegirlyone,

    With a lump in my throat all I can share right now is thank you. I identify with what you wrote in a profound way, but I lacked the ability to gather my words.

    Callie

  7. […] difference, for me, between being on top and being on the bottom. Submission, as I pointed out in my prior post, pushes on the places where I’m bruised. Dominance, on the other hand, seems to bring out my […]


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