Posted by: littlegirlyone | May 27, 2011

in contrast: dominance

About a year ago, he betrayed my trust profoundly, and I was angry. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him, and I certainly couldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to him. At that point, we decided I should take control of our relationship, so I could feel secure in it again. To the extent that we label ourselves, we both identify as switches, so me being “in charge” wasn’t as strange as it might sound. I’d been in charge (meaning, the top) in our relationship before, but it had been in smaller doses (read: a day, a few hours, a scene). This time, I was going to be the top for as long as I wanted to be.

Those first months were really hard in some ways. I wasn’t sure I knew how to top anyone, let alone the person who’d just spent 6 months dominating me. (Although I identify as a switch, 99% of my D/s experience was as a sub. And he’s the opposite, having been the dominant partner for the majority of his D/s past.) He gave me lots of advice, but it took time and patience and really learning to trust myself. And eventually, I did find things that I wanted, liked, and felt I could demand. But, my feeling that he “deserved” this, made topping him a little easier.

Of course, I eventually forgave him. My anger got washed away by his sweetness and dedication. I lost that righteous feeling, and had to learn to top him from a place of love instead. And I did. And I grew. And now, our dynamic has morphed from one with a very clear hierarchy into one without. Some days, I want to be in control, and some days I don’t. Some days, I want to just be sweet and in love, and I don’t want anyone topping. And of course, his moods change, too. He enjoys bottoming, but we’ve learned that his craving for it has triggers and limits. And I’ve learned to be flexible and to stand on my own two feet. I don’t need him to tell me what to eat or how to be every day of my life to feel connected; I am confident that we are.

All this flexibility and switching helped me notice the emotional difference, for me, between being on top and being on the bottom. Submission, as I pointed out in my prior post, pushes on the places where I’m bruised. Dominance, on the other hand, seems to bring out my inner superstar badass. Where submission makes me cry, dominance makes me strut. (And I don’t mean I put-on a strut. I mean that when I’m all the way in domme space, I notice myself walking around with this other rhythm and posture. I don’t know how else to describe it.) If submission makes me feel empty, dominance fills me up.Β When I settle in there, it’s some kind of magic. I float through my day with this solid sense of inner kickassness that doesn’t falter. Except, that is, when our dynamic does.

Once again, the solution seems obvious: I should just stay in domme space. It makes me feel good about myself, and it’s helping me build a genuine sense of confidence that I’ve needed. But of course, it isn’t that simple. I think there are three big reasons why we haven’t settled into a permanent F/m dynamic: my lapses in confidence, his fluctuating desire, and the history we have as an M/f couple. Plus, we both genuinely enjoy switching.

Sometimes, in the middle of my topping streak, I lose my confidence. We haven’t figured out why yet, although I wrote about some of my struggles recently, and I got some wonderful advice. (Seriously, if you haven’t read the comments, you should.) But of course, I’m not perfect and I continue to overthink things (who, me?) and question my instincts, and just generally spiral myself into a tizzy of “oh noes, what should I do?” And once I start down that road of doubting my decisions, I tend to keep going.

His desire is a separate issue. Obviously, this is a two person dynamic. He has to be a willing, enthusiastic partner for anything to work (that’s true for any couple, no matter what). And just like I sometimes lose my topping confidence, he sometimes loses his bottoming desire. We’re pretty sure about what triggers it (orgasms) but it’s not an option for him to live completely chastely. And it isn’t every orgasm, every time. But when he loses his desire, it causes chaos that our dynamic sometimes recovers from, and sometimes doesn’t. Of course, if you know me, you know I kink on non-consent and forced submission. But actually forcing him back where I want him isn’t easy; most of the time it’s impossible. (I should note that even my “forcing” him is truly consensual.) I’m not sure how else to explain it except that when he loses his desire, I feel like I’m being asked to move a giant boulder. And I just can’t. Or maybe I just don’t want to. Boulder-moving doesn’t seem to turn me on or make me happy. And he’s stubborn and heavy as hell when he wants to be.

That brings me to my last point. We both have so much experience in a M/f dynamic. Our relationship started that way, and it suits us sexually so well. It is easy for both of us to slip there when other places get hard. We’re comfortable; it fits like a favorite pair of jeans. But it takes an emotional toll.

And so, I’m left without a real sense of what’s best for me, for him, for us. I know that as we keep playing with it, the F/m dynamic gets stronger and more comfortable. On one hand, it’s a rather silly sounding problem with a simple solution: it’s only sex, and we should do what’s fun. And so far that’s been our solution. On the other hand, neither of us are sure that my submission is healthy for me, even though we both enjoy it. So even if it’s fun, we’re not sure we should play with it. But we can’t seem to keep me permanently on top. And neither of us wants to give up D/s entirely.

I’m looking for a perfect solution but maybe there isn’t one.


  1. Sweet LG. It’s good to hear your voice again. I have no sage advice for you, just support. I think that the more we grow to know ourselves and our desires, the more difficult it becomes to fulfill them. Your self-awareness, like mine, opens a door to both deeper satisfaction and deeper pain. Are you guys open to adding other people? Would you consider it? Is your girlpet still kicking around?

    Hope you feel better, LG. I wish I had more help to offer.

    • I feel you on the self-awareness thing. I’m such an emotional, sensitive person. That means I feel everything deeply; good and bad.

      I’m not really keen on the idea of adding anyone to our relationship. Yeah, it totally shocks me since I’ve identified as poly for a long while. But something about this relationship makes me jealous and greedy in a way I’ve never experienced. It’s something I need to investigate/write about.

      The girlpet and I parted ways, happily, and remain friends. She wanted more sexual interaction than I had time for/was willing to give. So I decided it was in her best interest to let her go, and be her supportive friend instead.

      No advice necessary, just happy to read your comments as usual πŸ™‚

  2. I have a feeling that you are a little like me in that you have built in radar for not fooling yourself. I say that because, I know that for my sensibilities, forcing someone into any form of submission, be it sexual or merely giving in to my will, is an illusion of power… because they can be quietly hating every minute of it and emotionally driving a wedge between you as it happens. Some people fool themselves into thinking that is real power over another, but it is the illusion of power at best. And as I suggested, you are too true to yourself to allow that illusion to stand for truth. I find it ultimately more powerful to have someone give in to me because they want to…because they find deep pleasure in giving me what I want… even if it takes some doing/seduction/torture of sorts to get them to that realization. To have them surrender to me and only me out of their own sheer desire is much more powerful than forcing that surrender (and also more pleasurable in bringing them to the discovery of that desire). It is also for me, much more sexually potent. Perhaps that might hold true for you in your resistance to pushing the giant boulder. I like the old theater saying “make them come to you.” Just a thought.

    • Thanks for this, Robert. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I just don’t like to really push him. I want to feel wanted, as a sub or a domme, or a woman. It’s not really my thing to force something that isn’t there because (and I say this all the time to him) for me it’s about the emotional connection more than it is about achieving some specific goal.

      I do love that saying, and I’ve been tossing it around in my head all week. Just sayin.’

  3. You may be over thinking it. As per my PDF I sent you, orgasm immediately gets me out of subspace and I NEED to be put back in immediately. Also I play sports and when I get home I’m testosterone filled, and dominant and my Mistress immediately brings me back down.

    Find your slave’s triggers. Mine are my nipples. Three clothespins on each or one on each with a cord that goes in my mouth to yank them up and brings my head down, and I immediately become submissive.

    As for you now always feeling dominant: you forget that you are in charge, and as such, you and only you make the decision if you feel like “playing” tonight. You make the decisions. BUT you can very easily work your slave and manipulate his HUNGER by things like corner time, laying naked at your feet while your watch TV, caging him, nipple clamps and on display…. anything your mind can conceive to make him submit while your do whatever it is you feel like.

    MISTRESS TIME… he is displayed and suffers, while you do what you want to do.

    These kinds of things take very little effort but you are dominating him and he is feeling your power and his HUNGER is taken deeper.

    But the most important is control his orgasms. Even if your make him kneel at your feet and masturbate, he is being dominated. Count down from 10 and if he can’t come when your hit 1. He can stay horny.

    You have the power and it serves both of you if you use it.

    • Michael, your feedback is immensely useful and interesting to me. I do tend to overthink (good and bad) and it’s nice to get some tips on what works for you. Mostly, we struggle because of the distance and our outside lives. But, when we do have time to connect, I’ll keep all of this at the forefront of my mind.

      Glad to see you’re still reading πŸ™‚

      • I would also add that in my case 90% of my wife/Mistress time and mine are spent vanilla. We behave very vanilla lovingly at home and out in the world. We hug and I very often come up behind her and hug her squeezing her breasts in the embrace. She often gropes my cock and balls to play with my Hunger.

        The only difference between us and a vanilla couple is that when she orders something, I obey.

        She and she alone determines any sexual contact and she sets the tone for domination. It can occur at any time and she will simply tell me what she wants me to do.

        So please don’t think we walk around as a dom and slave all the time. We ARE a dom and slave, but only when she feels like it, is it actually visible.

  4. Is there a reason that you cannot go back and forth between a F/m and a more egalitarian relationship? Obviously, not wanting to give up D/s altogether is quite understandable, as is a reluctance to play with something that might not be healthy. So, if you take the healthy achievable options you do have, do they balance out?

    I find most people who go back and forth between an intense D/s dynamic and something more equally footed end up still being pretty kinky even when they are on that equal footing (sometimes you have to compare to the outside world to realize that your vanilla is still pretty kinky when you’re used to much more) Since it sounds like there isn’t exactly desire to be in a 24/7 F/m, maybe you just stay there as often as is possible, and just enjoy one another when that doesn’t seem to be in flow.

    it sounds that while you may be exploring some uncharted territory, that in doing what works for both of you you are finding your way through that territory pretty well.

    • Honey, you’re right. We are sort of just trying to figure this out as we go. Your suggestion is pretty much what I’ve suggested to him. I think the hard part for us is that we both really like playing M/f, too. It feels like a loss to give it up entirely.

      Maybe what we need to do is make the M/f part a little less intense and a little more egalitarian, without losing the fun parts entirely.

      This is all food for thought. Thank you for writing πŸ™‚

  5. Hello I just wondered how he betrayed you? And when you say distance – how far apart are you?

    • We live far enough apart that seeing each other is an effort. And I’m not comfortable talking about what he did in any detail because part of it involved someone who reads here (or used to). Sorry to be so vague πŸ™‚

  6. Have you had an orgasm standing up yet? You are really missing out if you haven’t learned to master this.

    • Yup, after I wrote that, I decided to challenge myself and I successfully managed (and still manage) to get myself off standing up in the shower. It’s a good thing, for sure πŸ™‚

      • Awesome! What was the main problem for you, weak knees?

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