Posted by: littlegirlyone | November 11, 2011

sexual violence and violent sex

I’m nervous about writing this post. In fact, I’ve considered not writing it. Or putting under password protection. Or maybe just emailing it to my daddy and a select few readers. But I try very hard to be honest, willing to analyze myself, and brave enough to share . So, I’m writing it.

It began when my daddy sent me a link to the (WARNING: graphic, triggering, disturbing) video of Texas Judge William Adams beating his daughter with a belt. (Side note: yes, that’s a Fox News link, and yes I hate them, but YouTube keeps removing the footage and Fox seems to have a working link.) If you haven’t watched it, or don’t want to watch it, I’ll sum it up for you briefly.

The video was shot in 2004, by the daughter. She hid the video camera so she could capture her father on tape. She just posted it online in early November, and it started a whole debate about what constitutes legitimate child discipline and what differentiates that from child abuse. The tape is about 8 minutes of her father beating her with a doubled-over belt. When she won’t lay on her stomach to take the spanking, he swings it, wildly and with a full arm, at her legs, her thighs, her stomach (she’s dressed) and at one point, he threatens to spank her face if she doesn’t turn over. When she eventually does, the girl’s mother administers one hard slap of the belt to her behind, and then the father starts in again, claiming that he hadn’t gotten his “lick” in. At this point, she is crying hysterically, slides to the floor, and he continues to swing the belt at her for not laying on her stomach for him, claiming he’s going to beat her into submission. When he’s done, he threatens to “wear her ass out with his belt” if she so much as looks at him wrong, and tells her she doesn’t deserve to live in his house.

Unquestioningly, I felt that I was watching abuse on that tape, not legitimate parental discipline. His complete lack of physical or emotional control is what cemented my opinion. I was never spanked as a child (with one awful exception). I don’t believe that I would spank my (nonexistent) children. But I recognize that in some families, there is a place for corporal punishment, and I cannot impose my opinions on others. If, however, an adult is administering physical discipline, it seems to me it should be delivered calmly and in a controlled manner, not in the heat of rage, but rather with level emotions and a didactic undertone.

What I see in that tape is fury, uncontrolled. What I see in that tape is violence, and of  course, it’s nonconsensual violence. I don’t like what I see, and I know it’s horrible and wrong. And yet I am immensely, horribly, shamefully aroused by it.

I watched the video with my mouth agape. And when it was over, I cried. And while I was crying, I masturbated thinking about the way that man swung that belt at her, and then I cried even harder because I felt like the world’s worst, most fucked up human being. And then I told my daddy what I had done, and his response was something along the lines of “of course you did.” He’d known how I’d react when he sent it because he knows me and my erotic imagination inside and out. And so, I’m left with this disturbing pile of emotions.

I think that man is awful, and I don’t agree with what he did. And, let me be clear, there is NOTHING D/s about it. What he did was nonconsensual, abusive, wrong. And I have to admit those are the things that arouse me most about the whole damn video. It was real. Really real. And even though I know that kind of violence is out there, I’ve never experienced it so intimately or so explicitly.

So that’s my confession. And yet, I can’t help but wonder what about this particular masturbatory fantasy makes me feel so badly. I mean, I write online about a lot of crazy, nonconsensual, kinky, taboo, button-pushing fantasies. But I don’t know if I’ve ever written about the way I’ve eroticized pure violence and victimization. And that’s where I’m going with this series of posts. Essentially, violence and sex are intertwined in my mind. And probably in many of your minds. And obviously, in our culture. But why do I feel so much guiltier about sexualizing this particular video than I have about, say, sexualizing a real life rape account? Why am I so much more comfortable with violent sex than I am with sexual violence? Why does violence arouse me at all? How did those wires get crossed, and am I really so unusual for crossing them?

I hope you’ll bear with me as I sort through this, and please, feel free to contribute to the discussion publicly in the comments, or privately via email. You can find mine in the link at the top of the right hand column.


Responses

  1. I haven’t watched the video yet because deep inside I’m afraid I will have that very same reaction. I feel ashamed of myself just thinking that I might feel somehow aroused by it, even though I know it’s horrible and violent. And I’d guess we’re not the only 2 people that feel this ways. Maybe one of these days I’ll finally watch the video just so I can actually know my reaction. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I understand you and that I sometimes feel ashamed for being turned on by some kind of violence.

    I would love to hear someone else sharing their opinions about this 🙂

    • Thanks for the words of support. I really do have mixed feelings about even posting this because I know it’s going to upset a lot of my readers (and I’ve already received some upset emails). But I also figure someone has to be brave and say: this response disturbs me. I am not proud of it. And I want to understand it. So, it might as well be me 🙂

  2. I don’t want to watch it for the same reason – knowing it will arouse me and haunt me and disturb me and embarrass me. It is scary when our fantasies intersect with reality. We accept that we may get turned on by things we object to in reality, but we can’t help being distressed by our need to turn back to those fantasies again and again. Especially when they are non-consensual.

    I call the sadist who rules my life “Daddy.” We both know that it is the term of address, the kind of relationship, with which I am most comfortable. It is not a game; there is a deep truth in it for both of us. But I have erected a firm wall between the way we interact within the world we inhabit together, this world which is both arousing and psychologically true for us, and the real world in which children are abused and preyed upon. I become almost nauseous when cracks appear in the wall, as I wrestle with the cognitive dissonance between what I need – what he and I both need – and what I abhor.

    My one comfort comes from the fact that I do know the difference. And I know that the private, completely consensual way we interact with each other will not – will never – spill over into anything that would threaten a real child.

    Thanks for bringing this up.

  3. First, please bear with these meandering thoughts of mine. I’m on mega doses of cold meds and I’m afraid none of this is going to make any sense. But I’ll try anyway. 🙂

    I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I think when you live a kinky lifestyle that embraces all sorts of sexual taboos, it becomes tricky to differentiate between the fantasy of a Dom hitting you with a belt during a play scene and a father hitting his daughter with a belt as punishment. Obviously, we all know that what he did was wrong. It was forced, it was violent, it was not consensual. But when we’re talking about lust, and a knowledge that violence is a huge turn-on, oftentimes, our thoughts become very muddled and intertwined and we can’t always control the desire that builds up whether it’s appropriate or not. If I had a nickel for every time my pussy completely betrayed me… 🙂

    When I was a teenager I used to read YM and Seventeen magazines. Sometimes they would publish stories about these young girls who would share their memories of being sexual abused or raped. Reading the victims detailed accounts, I couldn’t help but get really turned on. I would eventually make myself cum to thoughts of those girls and what they had endured. But then afterward I was consumed with guilt and shame. I knew there had to be something really wrong with me if I could get off on someone else’s emotional and physical pain.

    In fact, that was just the start of it. I could give you a list of socially unacceptable fantasies that have played out in my head in a moment of sexual need. Bad things. Things I could get arrested for were I to do them in real life. Whether you indulge in a fantasy “like that” or not, it still brings forth alot of self hatred and confusion because you know you shouldn’t have had the thought in the first place. But here’s the thing. The mind is incredibly complex. And all too often we don’t understand why we do the things we do or think the way we think. But I figure as long as you keep those dark, depraved thoughts as your own personal fantasy to enjoy, you’re golden. Because fantasy aside, I know any of us here would have stepped in and tried to stop this father from beating his helpless child had we actually been there. No one would have have ripped their clothes off and encouraged it to go further. And at the end of the day, just knowing that distinct difference – that line you know you’d never cross – makes it okay.

    Geez, I hope that made some inkling of sense. I’m off to bed now. Glad to have you back, by the way!! 🙂

    • Thank you for this! It’s great to be back. And I agree with you that there’s a real, legal and emotional difference between sexualizing this kind of thing, or other horrible fantasies of abuse or non consent, and actually participating in them. For sure, if I were to witness something like this in real life, if would be terrifying and I’d have no problem saying it was wrong. It’s the fact that this particular beating is one step removed… well, maybe that says something about media more than about me. I’m still sorting this out myself, and suffering a head cold, too (although, no meds for me). But this was a lovely, coherent addition to the discussion, and I thank you for it.

  4. I’m feeling oddly neutral about this – which is odd only to me perhaps, as in my mind it seems like one ought to feel strongly in such a situation.

    I did want to leave a comment and say thank you – thank you for writing this, for being brave, for sharing.

    These words and images (general) flow through my head as well, and it’s not very comfortable to look at them in the real world. There’s a huge difference and yet it looks and sounds much the same. Perspective is huge.

    • Thanks for reading, and the support. It does feel scary to put this stuff out there, but I also think that it’s the only way to really have this conversation in a way that is clear and open and nonjudgmental. I have to talk about my truth, and that’s what I aim for here. I really appreciate you reading .

  5. You are the first person I’ve heard (read) say the exact same thing I thought when I saw the video. There’s a difference between spanking calmly and beating in anger. I was spanked once that I remember as a child and it wasn’t done in anger…and while I don’t judge people who believe in spanking it’s not something I could ever do. But this wasn’t a spanking, this was a reaction. An angry reaction that made me VERY uncomfortable watching because – and this is the first time I’ve admitted this – it felt *very* sexually charged as I watched it. And while I’m all about fantasy and eroticism, I am not about abuse.

    What I mean is – I read this blog because I get a little excited by things you write. But – this is the main thing that matters in my opinion – you are writing as a consenting adult who is fulfilling her fantasies. The control Daddy has is something you want. It’s not something you have no choice but to take. That’s the difference. You aren’t being abused.

    That video was very sexually charged to me when I watched it and I felt much of what you did. The guilt of getting excited while being so angry at the same time. But that’s because I fantasize about wanting someone to take that control over me sexually, not because I condone how he did it or the fact that it was his daughter.

    I’m sorry I’ve blogged in your comments, but I really just hadn’t read or heard anyone make the point I felt when I saw that.

    • Hello MMH! I’m so glad you commented. I agree with you about the video – it is sexual and reactionary and scary for that very reason. And it’s completely, 100% abusive, and not a thing like what I do (or any other D/s, kinky, sane adult does). Thanks for reiterating one of the things I want to be clear about. I’m looking forward to unpacking some of these ideas some more before I’m done with this topic.

  6. Don’t feel guilty. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom and doesn’t harm anyone else is fine. As Oatmeal girl said, it will never spill over into something that will threaten a real child.

    FD

    • Thanks, FD. I agree with you completely. I know the difference between right and wrong. But I’m still troubled by…something about my arousal/response. I’m going to try to articulate it better in my next post.

  7. lg, I have to say that I experienced the exact same feelings as you did when I watched the video, and couldn’t help but get myself off to the complete fear, pain, and realness of the situation. It scares me too, and I haven’t been able to get it off my mind the last few days.

    I don’t have the eloquence that you do with which I can explain my exact feelings, but I appreciate your bravery in sharing this with us. We’re only human, love.

    • Thank you for your bravery, too. See? It’s always nice to see you’re not the only perv on the block 🙂 More on this soon.

  8. Hi littlegirlyone,

    I had feelings of arousal instantly from even seeing the mention of the video on the news. I watched the full video as soon as I could find it and experienced the same feelings even more intensely. I shared it with my Master and he watched it and it was a good discussion point for us regarding our sexuality. He even made me get off while I watched it. When I watched the video, Wolf and I were the same ages that we are now (consenting adults) and he was beating and lecturing me. When he watched it, he saw himself as Daddy beating his girl. I don’t think either way is right or wrong. Of course, neither of us condones abuse of any sort, especially of a child. But neither of us felt any conflicting feelings at all regarding our mutual arousal. I’m really glad you posted and so is Wolf.

    Love, squirrel

  9. I’m a little late to the game, but My squirrel got very excited when she saw the video too, which in turn made Me very hard. I think it’s wonderful when someone can be excited by the forbidden. I gave My squirrel the following example: Imagine you were having sex while planes crashed into the twin trade center and you just kept fucking! (Or spanking as the case may be)

    Yes, controversial. Yes, a little dark. But does that need we require lobotomies or MMPI testing?

  10. You’re not the only one, LG. It turned me on and horrified me at the same time. I cried during it and pulled my hand out from between my legs more than once. I feel pretty fucked up about it too. I totally understand why you were messed up and I’m glad you have your daddy who understands you. Somebody to calmly say, “oh, of course you did.”

    I don’t know why these wires are crossed. I don’t know what it means, but I think you are perfectly okay because you dare to ask these questions of others and yourself.

  11. Here I am, another (even later) late arrival. I see you have posted a second time and have resolved much of this in your own mind. You post got me to thinking about a number of related topics.

    I think it can bring clarity to consider that there are two separate and distinct things going on at the same time. One of them a horrible violent thing that everyone agrees is despicable and wrong, and justly so. On the other hand, there is stimulation of erotic triggers.

    The arousal is a generic response to a scenario that the violence triggers.

    I had a lot of thoughts about this and have pulled them together in a posting of my own, rather than putting it all here in this comment box.

  12. This post has been sitting in my in box since you wrote it. I finally got around to it and it blew my mind. Absolutely blew my mind. I’m too… stunned to write anything coherent right now, but I will at some point.

    As the first commenter said, I haven’t seen the video yet, for fear of the same reaction.

    I have rarely read words written by another person that so clearly resounded my own feelings and desires.

    Thank you for yet another brilliant and moving post.

  13. Do you have the courage to post a negative response? Because I think you’re all sick. It’s not at all normal to find violent abuse of a child arousing. If you do you should seek help. You need to seriously question where that desires coming from. Because that’s a very ill trait.

    • Not only do I have the courage to post your response, I have the emotional honesty to evaluate my feelings instead of merely judging them as sick and ill and not normal. I see a therapist regularly, but thank you for your (feigned) concern for my mental health. To your point, the feelings I have expressed here are not considered psychologically disordered. Your assessment of me and my readers/commenters is outdated and not based on any current data or the DSM IV.

      But yes, I have the courage to face your judgment. I understand that mine is not a culturally accepted point of view, but then again, I write about alternative sexuality and call my lover (not my husband) “Daddy.” So I’m pretty ok with being on the fringe of social acceptability, considering I’m a bisexual, kinky, adulteress (twice over). Thanks for weighing in.

  14. And i’d like to chime in that I was an earlier poster and was aroused by the general content of video (not by child abuse). I have a stable career, a great family, a happy life and I’m not in therapy. If I went to seek help I’d probably be turned away. But thanks for your concern, Val. Love, squirrel

  15. LJ,
    sharing such a dark aspect of your sexuality must have been challenging and I do appreciate your self evaluation. With that said I did not find the video arousing at all, on the contrary. As someone who has worked with children and adolescents who faced daily abuse I, quite simply can not associate any of the video with anything pleasurable or sexual. I admit I do find it slightly scary and disheartening that you, along with others found the content arousing. I am not here to judge though, we know so very little about the human mind; I personally have been studying it for over 13 years and am still in awe of how we work and what makes humans click. After all my time in therapy with clients I am still in awe.

    Fantasies though, as long as they are not acted out are just that, fantasies. And if everyone controls his/her desires so that innocent people are not hurt well no harm then comes from it.

    It is not easy to face oneself. Thank you for sharing.
    ~a

  16. I identify with what you said almost exactly. The first time I ever got the belt, I was seven, and got it pretty regularly after that. Always on on my bare butt with my panties pulled down. First from my father, then after my parent’s divorce, from my step-daddy. My mother knew and had no problem with it. Like that girl’s mom in the video, my mom used to even get him the belt sometimes.

    Later on, I found out that my mom also got the belt herself sometimes. I used to hear her screaming in the bedroom. Then afterwards I would hear them fucking, even though I didn’t really know that’s what it was at the time.

    By the time I was fourteen I was masturbating afterwards. Constantly, furiously. I used to cum so hard I’d almost pass out it was that intense.

    I’m twenty now and its still like that for me. I feel like I’m just sick and twisted sometimes, then other times I don’t care because I love it. What I love about the Internet is finding out that I’m not the only one. It’s helped my understand my fetish kinks and accept them.


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