Posted by: littlegirlyone | November 17, 2011

sexual violence and violent sex, part 2

I’d like to thank everyone that commented and emailed me about my prior post. Naturally, I expected some reaction to it, since it was dark and touchy subject matter. But, I expected to get more judgment and wrath, and I’m very grateful for the lack of it. It’s been a while, but it’s great to remember that my readers are really a smart, thinking, sophisticated bunch (and good looking, too).

I’ve been paying attention when I get myself off at night, trying to pin down what, exactly, I’m fantasizing about. Here’s what I’ve noticed: I generally don’t fantasize about D/s. What I mean is that in my head, I don’t imagine daddy as my consenting adult partner. I don’t imagine myself as his 30 year old consenting adult partner. I think about another me — the child me who really existed once, but doesn’t anymore except in my head — and another version of my daddy who has actually raised me. (Here comes a little tangent.) But what’s interesting/odd is that it’s not the taboo of incest that makes that detail important. It’s the feeling of being completely, 100% known, made, broken, used, abused, loved, kept and created, by and for him. (It’s kinda different when I fantasize about topping – more on that another time.) It’s an impossible relationship in real life (and obviously, the things we do in my fantasies would be child abuse) but that’s what makes it so much fun to fantasize about. In my fantasies, daddy is my god. It’s this magical dynamic that I don’t have, not even with my (awesome, sexy, bestest-ever) daddy. Because the daddy in my head is really just me – he always says the right things, touches me right, whispers exactly the thing that makes me come. And that’s because he’s not real, he’s like a robot that I control. And I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I actually top myself when I get off. For example, I whisper things that I want to hear. Things like “take it, piglet because it’s all your fault. You made me hard, now you’re going to have to lay there and fucking take it.” I literally say these things to myself aloud. So really, I’m sort of topping and bottoming at the same time. And no real person could really engage with me the way I do with myself, and that’s fine. That’s why it’s fantasy. (Ok, end of tangent.)

Returning to the topic at hand, when I fantasize about violence (being hit, hurt, belted, choked, slapped across the mouth, left with a bloody lip, etc.) I likewise don’t fantasize about D/s. Aside from the times that I actually get off remembering something daddy and I have done (which I wouldn’t even call a ‘fantasy’), I get off imagining that violence is actually happening to me.

For example, I keep having this fantasy where my daddy is teaching me that hurting is sex, and he’s teaching me to love it the same way I love sex. He lays me across his lap and spanks me over and over and over with his belt. And when I’m crying and begging him to stop, he talks to me and runs his hands over my hot, pink welts and tells me that this is sex, too. Just like all the other things he does to me. For certain I’m not fantasizing about being beaten as a ‘scene’ in the D/s sense of the word. There’s no safe word, no limits, I have no power to stop it. He owns me. He decides if I live, how I live, where I live. It is absolutely abusive. Absolutely, if our relationship was the way I see it. And it wouldn’t be all that different from what I saw in that video, really. It would be a very real father beating his very real little girl. And that’s the way I want it to be in my fantasies.

Of course when my daddy actually hits me, it’s not abusive. Of course, what we do is D/s and it’s between adults and we’re not related, and we’ve both agreed to do these things together. But it also comes straight out of our fantasies  about real abuse. And when I think about it that way, it makes sense to me that the video caused such a conflicting, sexual reaction. In many ways, it was like the fantasy reel in my head being played back to me. I think that the fact that it’s a video adds to that sense of watching a fantasy. And although I’ve never seen anyone beaten like that in real life, I’m sure I wouldn’t be aroused watching it if it were playing out in front of me between a real father and his daughter, as many of my readers pointed out. I’m sure I would be upset, disturbed, angry, and I would try to stop it. So even though it is a real video of a real life event, the fact that I’m one step removed from the real life violence makes that video more like a fantasy, and less like reality. Which makes sense, and makes me feel better. At least as far as my arousal is concerned.

And I think – no, I’m sure – that I’m ok with it now. So thank you all for letting me sort through this here, and for weighing in with all of your thoughts. It was beyond helpful, and this conversation has alleviated my guilt quite a bit. You all are wonderful, and I’m so lucky to have you here with me.


Responses

  1. LG! How I love your writing… you word things so beautifully! Don’t stay away too long!

    “But what’s interesting/odd is that it’s not the taboo of incest that makes that detail important. It’s the feeling of being completely, 100% known, made, broken, used, abused, loved, kept and created, by and for him.”- yes, yes, a thousand times yes…

  2. “I think about another me — the child me who really existed once, but doesn’t anymore except in my head — and another version of my daddy who has actually raised me. … It’s the feeling of being completely, 100% known, made, broken, used, abused, loved, kept and created, by and for him.”

    This this this. Exactly. I feel so guilty sometimes for the awful thoughts I have in my fantasies, they would be so terribly abusive in real life…but it’s what I think about when I come.

    I ❤ your posts here.

  3. I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff like this as my fantasies have been getting darker (much, much darker) over time. My personal solution to being aroused by actual non-consensual stuff is basically to avoid exposing myself to it and rather to rely on fiction. It’s an artificial solution, and it makes me do silly things sometimes (like, I find serial killer movies supremely fappable, but I don’t watch the ones based on real events), but that’s just the way I’m dealing with it now. Conceptually, I don’t believe there’s anything at all wrong with being aroused by, well, anything – it’s what you DO with that arousal that counts – but it gives me the same complex, awful feelings you described in the first post to have that reaction. I’ve been slowly dealing with the idea that I do get aroused even by things I know are WRONG (as I’ve put it, “my boner doesn’t automatically disappear along with the consent), but it takes some doing.

    Re: fantasy mechanisms – That I found really interesting. I essentially have two separate modes of fantasy – one is bottomy and one is D/s, in which I can be the dom(me) or the sub (though my dom self tends to be ok with more brutal stuff – more on this below). My bottomy fantasies would look like sub fantasies to anyone else, and have a lot of elements of that, but in my mind are not submissive at all. In them, I bottom to the pain and sex, but in my mind it’s all about my needs and desires, even if I’m being held down and called a whore and hurt, etc. I even conceptualize it as violence towards my fantasy top – It’s like, “yeah, ragefuck me, you asshole!”

    Meanwhile, my D/s fantasies tend to be way more about the dom’s desires (whether I’m the dom or not). What I find interesting about this is how much more ok I am with really awful, dark stuff if I’m the dom than if I’m the sub. I’m sure this has a lot to do with being a woman and resisting the normative idea that I HAVE to be the sub, but as always, separating out societal influence is a pain in the ass. How it functions in my mind is interesting though.

    (TW/TMI – Nazi rape fantasy)
    Like, one recent time, I came from imagining I was a partisan resistance fighter being raped by a Nazi; then five minutes later I came again from imagining I was raping him back, and this second scenario was far, FAR more gory and disturbing and evil. Whether it’s because I allowed my brain to go there or because I’m simply more evil as a dom, I have no idea. Stuff to think about!

  4. Now there’s a guilt I know well. I recall being so disturbed by my more… difficult fantasies that I finally broke down and confessed what an absolutely irredeemable monster I so obviously was to K. Her response wad to laugh and ask me perfectly sane and logical questions that showed me that there was a wall between my fantasy landscape and the real world.

    The funny thing is that it actually took her questions to show me the dividing line.without her external point of view, I lacked the ability to have any sort of perspective when it came to myself. (side note: I think this is why I can’t have a completely submissive partner. I need moments of equality to allow for frank communication and pressure release)

  5. I’ve never commented here before, but I wanted to thank you for making your thought process about this public. This video affected me in a lot of the same ways it affected you, and in addition, I had read your post before watching it- so I don’t know what my reaction would have been had I seen it in a different context. I shared your earlier post with my girlfriend, who happens to be a sexual violence crisis counselor, and we had a really fantastic, thoughtful conversation about this whole topic. So thanks for inspiring that with your candor and thoughtfulness!

  6. I’ll join your club of people turned on by stuff we’re not supposed to be turned on by. I, too, can detach a twisted little part of my brain that watches this video and thinks, “that’s hot.” Like you, I’m ok with that. I do have kids and they are absolutely safe. They don’t get hit in any way ever. Violence in my opinion has no place in raising children. But to beat a partner role playing that she is my 15 year old daughter? Yeah, that’s hot. My own guilty pleasure is Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door and the movie adaptation. It’s “true crime” and it’s awful. And it’s hot. Because I’m twisted. And I’m ok with that. There was also an unbelievably violent double rape and murder a few years back perpetrated against a pair of teenagers who chose the wrong shortcut home at the wrong time. That’s another one. And the CT home invasion in which the perpetrators molested the teenage daughter before burning the house down. In all cases the snuff component does absolutely nothing for me and I have nothing but pure unmitigated sympathy for the actual real life victims and their families. Yet the fantasy piece is there–the power of fantasy allows me to carefully dissect out all the reality and enjoy the make believe that’s left over. Unlike you, the incest stuff does little to nothing for me–the stories of fathers keeping their daughters locked up for years and decades abusing them, impregnating them and the like–for me it’s a starnger I keep locked up, but I join those who have no problem with you being privately turned on by those stories.

    • I have to say, it’s really nice to hear from readers who have similar reactions to this kind of news. And I agree with you about The Girl Next Door. It’s totally masturbatory as a fantasy, but of course if it were happening in real life to someone, it would be horrible. I feel the same way about the Fritzl story — he lured his daughter into the basement and kept her as his sex slave for 24 years. It’s abusive and horrible and as a fantasy, it’s so hot I can’t stand it. But of course, awful in real life.

      • I have a twisted soft spot for the Elizabeth Smart and Jaycee Dugard incidents as well.


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