Posted by: littlegirlyone | November 30, 2011

Littlegirlyone and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I used to read this book as a child. Loved it. And so I stole my title from it today.

If you didn’t catch that, I had a terrible day.

It started last night, really. It wasn’t anything in particular, but Daddy was distracted and didn’t want to hang out with me. It’s not a huge deal, but I’d just gotten home from therapy, and I have been exploring some new places. Point is, I was feeling a little insecure and then he didn’t want to be there with me, and that made me feel even more insecure. Somehow this translated into these crazy vivid dreams about him leaving me (abandonment issues anyone?) that woke me up at 3:30 in the morning, set me crying and unable to fall back asleep until 10 minutes before my alarm went off.

Of course.

When I caught up with Daddy online this morning it turned out we’d miscommunicated our schedules, and he’d planned to hang with me during a time that I wasn’t available. Again, not a huge thing, but a bummer. And then while he had planned to hang out with me and I couldn’t be there, he told me he was going to talk with this new girl he’s been getting to know on chat. There’s nothing wrong with that – I knew they were talking on and off, but I guess I felt sad that the time I was supposed to get was going to some other girl, even if it wasn’t like he was choosing to hang out with her over me.

Then my car got hit while it was parked at work. Go figure, it’s totally fucked up. And the driver didn’t leave a note, but managed to ruin the entire side of my car and take off one of my sidemirrors. Then I had to drive home like that, and it was scary because I didn’t have the proper mirrors in place, and I was sad because of things not clicking with Daddy, and him hanging out with someone new. And I started thinking how she was going to be more interesting because he doesn’t know her. And he knows everything about me, and I’m probably annoying and boring by now. And I can’t ever be new to him anymore. And I started feeling really lame and inadequate and replaceable, and before I knew it, I was full on sobbing/hyperventilating while trying to drive.

Then I got two phone calls that I didn’t want, and was stuck on the phone with insurance people. All this by about 1pm.

Finally, I just laid on the couch on my belly in my pajamas and cried until I didn’t have anymore tears in me. Then I drank a glass of water, and then I emailed Daddy and asked that if he could please make some time for me, I could really use a little. He squeezed me in for like, 10 minutes, and I started to feel better. But then he had to run, and I felt almost ok, but not quite there.

I tried to be productive after he left (and I wrote some of this post while I was at it). And then I started thinking about why I was so sad about this new girl. Daddy and I have been really switchy for the last few months, and a lot of that time, I’ve been the dom. But in the past week or so, Daddy has been more dommy. And I thought about how subbing really freaks me out sometimes. It’s all wound up in so much of my childhood insecurity and vulnerability. I honestly don’t understand how I subbed for so many years because lately, when I do it, I end up feeling emotional and needy and wrecked and scared and it’s really draining.

So it occurred to me that maybe it was a bad idea to be subbing for Daddy while he was having fun with this new girl. Because ย when I can be confident in my radness and what I bring to the table in our relationship, I don’t feel jealous or worried or anything. Then it’s just fun letting Daddy be Daddy: flirty and adorable and seductive the way he was when I first met him. But my super confidence goes away when I get all subby. So I thought I should tell him that maybe while he’s playing with this new girl, I shouldn’t sub.

I did tell him that. And we kinda talked for a minute about it, and god bless him, he was really patient with me, and hung on for a good while. And then I think both of us were frustrated by the over-analyzing, meta level conversation. And all I wanted was to escape my horrible day with him to someplace sexy. And he said he felt gunshy, and didn’t know how to proceed or what would be best, given what I’d just said about subbing.

So, I pushed for a while, trying to tell him that I wanted him to be him. That I’d tell him if he got too close to the scary stuff, and he didn’t have to worry. But he didn’t feel comfortable, and finally, in a last ditch effort to salvage the time we had, we curled up on the couch together. No analyzing. Nothing meta. Barely any words. Just touch and smell and taste and sound and love.

And I swear to god, by the end of that, I felt like my whole day had turned around. I even decided to go running, and I did. And now I’m just home from this beautiful run at sunset at the beach and through Golden Gate Park, and I feel like the luckiest, happiest, confidentest, most peaceful girl in the whole world.

And even though today was rotten, I learned a very important lesson about Daddy and myself. And I wanted to share it because, well, who knows? One of you might have a use for it. But also, because I don’t want to forget: sometimes thinking too much about sex makes the sex go poof. I know that sounds obvious, but we’re both such analytical people that we can easily get caught up in the discussion about sex, and not get to the sexy part. Sometimes we just need to touch and taste and smell and hear and be in love. And that’s what I’m going to try to remember the next time that Daddy and I get off track. Less meta. More fucking.

Less meta. More fucking.

And I love you, Daddy. With all my heart.


Responses

  1. Sorry you had a bad day. One of my passions is running and it always tends to make you feel better. I wish I went for a run with you today at sunset. Your description sounded awesome! Living out east, I had to endure wind and rain this morning.

  2. Will’s Auto Body on Masonic & Geary! ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m sorry you had a bad day.

  3. Brava! Sometimes, it just needs to come to “shut up and kiss me”

  4. Wow. That certainly was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day!! But I’m glad it got progressively better for you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I did find it incredibly fascinating when you mentioned that subbing freaks you out because it ties into your childhood insecurity and vulnerability. I, too, feel the exact same way. I consider myself a true switch, but with my current S.O., I’m all sub and I struggle with that role often. Of course I enjoy many aspects of being submissive to him, but I absolutely despise the way it can make me feel: needy, over-emotional, dependent, emotionally naked, out of control, etc., etc. Outside of my relationship I enjoy being a strong, confident, independent, self-sufficient, alpha female. So what’s the point of all this babbling you may wonder? ha. I’m extremely relieved to know I’m not alone in feeling this!

    Anyway, I hope you and your Daddy are able to come to a place where you feel all your emotional needs are being met – this is, of course, assuming you’re still struggling to find that perfect place… that perfect role for both of you.

    As always, I LOVE your blog! My only gripe is that you don’t write often enough for my liking. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xo Lily

  5. Hi there little girl…
    I have been following you for years and years now. Since around 2008.
    It’s been a long time since you posted… and it left off on a good, but perhaps uncertain note.
    I hope that all is well with you.
    Warm hugs and thoughts…
    Mystress


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